Limericks o' the Day
- Easter Sunday a young boy, Stan Snead,
- Popped a stiff one as long as a reed.
- And did he turn beet red,
- When Pastor Fred loudly said,
- "He is risen. He is risen indeed!"
- I hope you won't think that I'm crass
- When I speak of his wonderful ass.
- I know we are able
- To have sex at the table
- But the damned thing is made out of glass
- There was a young girl dressed in black,
- Who kept her drugs in a spice rack.
- It wasn't her fault,
- Her mom thought it salt,
- Now her family is all hooked on crack.
- You know that I like you a lot.
- But I think you wish I did not.
- So, I'll curb the emotion,
- And end the devotion.
- My life has such a bad plot!
- There once was a student from Yale,
- Whose skin was so exceedingly pale.
- The glare from a book
- Was all that it took
- For smoke to come out of his tail.
- There once was a woman named Nor,
- Whose chest was as flat as the floor.
- It is sad to be said
- That in dark, in the bed,
- Men sucked on her shoulder blades more.
- Johnny's new warehouse job was a bore.
- Packing boxes all day was a chore.
- For that job he had yearned
- But it's one he'd have spurned
- If the "ware" hadn't sounded like "whore".
- There once was a fellow called Eames,
- Who would suffer from spaz fits it seems.
- In the midst of a fit
- His britches he'd shit;
- But sometimes to alter, he creams.
- Woe, alack, and alas!
- I'm held together by intestinal gas!
- Each time I fart,
- Something falls apart.
- See! There's a crack in my ass!
- An old maid phoned the desk and said, "Joe
- "What's the noise from that room down below?"
- "Oh, they're holding," he sighed,
- "An Elk's Ball just inside."
- "Well then, tell them," she said, "to let go!"
- An old maiden who barely did kissing
- Soon discovered what she had been missing.
- When laid down on the sod,
- She cried out, "Oh, my God!
- "All these years I just used it for pissing!"
- An old window washer named Luigi
- Was screwing a lady from Figi.
- When she started to sweat,
- He said, "Hold it, my pet,"
- And squished off the sweat with his squeegee.
- An orgasm can be, oh, so fine.
- A multiple one quite divine.
- But if you should moan,
- And it's not on your own,
- Then you faked it, you bullshitting swine.
- An overworked hooker once said,
- "I must change the sheets on my bed.
- I've developed a rash
- On the lips of my gash
- And the inside's all puffy and red."
- An unfortunate lad from Madrid
- Had both Super-Ego and Id,
- So whether he screwed,
- Or completely eschewed,
- He felt guilty, whatever he did.
- An uptight young lady named Breerley
- Who valued her morals too dearly
- Had sex, so I hear,
- Only once every year,
- And she strained her vagina severely.
- As a kid when we rode on the bus
- Deep questions we'd often discuss:
- "Would it come off divine,
- Or just blow out her spine,
- If Superman did it with Lois?"
- As the strings played a soft obbligato
- The soprano's shrill notes were staccato
- As she crouched on the face
- Of the powerful bass
- And enjoyed his tremendous vibrato.
- At the Y they are both avid diners
- And professed crazy wild 69'ers.
- As she sucks on his dingus,
- He'll perform cunnilingus,
- And for days she must wear panty liners.
Part 1 of 2:
- Attempting to stop his wet dreams
- Brother Francis has tried many schemes.
- Using bells and a whistle
- Attached to his gristle,
- But still finds he frequently creams.
Part 2 of 2:
- So grimly the Abbot said, "Look.
- Onanism's a sin in my book,
- Inadvertent or not.
- Tie your dick in a knot
- Or start sleeping with Annie the cook."
- An amoeba named Sam, and his brother,
- Were having a drink with each other.
- In the midst of their quaffing,
- They split themselves laughing
- And each of them now is a mother.
- A school boy who thought he could fake 'um,
- Told the doctor he felt a sharp ache come;
- The X-ray applied
- Showed all his inside
- Was looking as well as they make 'um.