Limericks o' the Day
- Tiberius sat in his patio
- And said, "I don't care for fellatio,
- Nor yet cunnilingus
- Or whatever the thing is---
- This headwork is mighty damn rash o' you!"
- There was a young lady of Pinner,
- Who dreamt that her lover was in her.
- This excited her heart,
- So she let a great fart,
- And shit out her yesterday's dinner.
- There was a young man named Walljasper
- Who invented a furlined ballclasper.
- A half turn to the right
- Would bring squeals of delight
- To the most sterile, inpotent whoremaster.
- There was a young monk of Siberia
- Who of frigging grew weary and wearier.
- At last, with a yell,
- He burst from his cell,
- And buggered the Father Superior.
- When a lecherous curate at Leeds
- Was discovered, one day, in the weeds
- Astride a young nun,
- He said, "Christ, this is fun!
- Far better than telling one's beads!"
- There was a horny goat lived on a hill,
- So full of mischief, he let some spill.
- He fast knocked Jack down
- And broke the lad's crown,
- But was a trite more attentive to Jill.
- Said an airy young fairy named Jess,
- "The oral requires some finesse,
- While in method, the anal
- Is terribly banal,
- And the trousers will get out of press."
- She's called "The Professional Sinner"
- Twenty bucks and she lets you get in her.
- If given a fifty,
- Things really get nifty.
- Ten more and she'll take you to dinner.
- There was a young lady of Thyme
- Who swore she'd hold out for all time.
- So she stifled the crave
- For a cock in her cave,
- And instead a candle was fine.
- Aren't you a trifle atavistic, Mac,
- With that little supernumerary nipple on your sac?
- When I go down to eat
- My purpose I defeat
- When my lips slip from meat to teat and back.
- There once was a lady named Carter,
- Fell in love with a virile young Tartar.
- She stripped off his pants,
- At his prick quickly glanced,
- And cried: "For that, I'll be a martyr!"
- In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh
- Spoke of Spengler---and ate crackers too.
- His wife said, "Oh, stuff
- That philosophy guff
- Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!"
- A girl with huge nostrils named Rose,
- Enjoys getting fucked up the nose.
- Though she always comes fast,
- You can make her thrill last
- If you tickle her twat with your toes.
- Said the sailors mounting her gunwale,
- "This ain't no cunt, it's a manhole!"
- But soon her life was complete,
- For she tripped in the street,
- And a motorist detoured through the tunnel.
- The tarts in the town of Marseilles
- Are brunette from the sun every day.
- White wine is their piddle,
- For ten francs they'll diddle---
- But their tickets of health, where are they?
- There once was a girl from Decator...
- Got laid by a big alligator.
- But, we never knew
- The result of that screw,
- 'Cause after he laid her, he ate her.
- There was an odd fellow named Lars,
- Who'd pick up young ladies in bars.
- He'd scarce get to know them,
- Then hoist up and throw them,
- And that's how he'd grant them the stars.
- A girl by the green Susquehanna
- Said she would do it mañana,
- But her lover got sore
- And sailed off the Ladore...
- And now she must use a banana.
- There was a young lady named Florence
- Sho for fucking professed an abhorrence.
- But they found her in bed,
- With her cunt flaming red,
- And her poodle-dog spending in torrents.
- There was a young whore from Tashkent
- Wo managed an immoral tent.
- Day out and day in
- She lay writhing in sin,
- Giving thanks it was ten months to Lent.
- There was a young man of Porcellian,
- A rotter, a shit-heel, a hellion.
- But the X-ray revealed
- That his sperm was congealed,
- And both of his balls in rebellion.
- There was an old man from Robles
- Who went out to dine with some nobles.
- He would risk his life,
- And fucked the host's wife,
- And now, so 'tis said, he has no balls.
- One evening a workman named Rawls
- Fell asleep in his old overalls.
- And when he woke up he
- Discovered a puppy
- Had bitten off both of his balls.
- There once was a peon named Leon
- Who had such a face you could pee on.
- When he said, "Si, si,"
- We all made pee-pee
- On the face of that peon named Leon.
- There once was a sensitive bride
- Who ran when the groom she espied.
- When she looked at his swiver
- They had to revive her,
- But when he got it well in, she just sighed.
- There was a young lady named Eva
- Who went to a ball as Godiva.
- But a change in the lights
- Showed a tear in her tights,
- And a low fellow present yelled, "Beaver!"
- There was a young wingnut named Jeter
- Had a skeeter come land on his peter.
- He said, "Goody, Goody,
- I see me some Boody!"
- And probed it one-sixth of a meter.
- There was a young fellow from Oudh
- Whose mind was excessively lewd.
- He asserted, "All women
- Seen dancin' or swimmin'
- Would rather be home gettin' screwed."
- There was a young lady of Dorset
- Who went to an Ungerground closet.
- She screwed up her ass
- But passed only gas,
- And that wasn't tuppence-worth, was it?
- There was an old spinster named Campbell
- Got tangled one day in a bramble.
- She cried, "Ouch, how it sticks!
- But so many sharp pricks
- Are not met every day on a ramble."
- While watching some tragical farces,
- The audience had a catharsis.
- Instead of real tears
- They wept with their rears,
- Which proves that catharsis my arse is.