Limericks o' the Day
- A movement once rose 'mongst the masses
- To travel about with bare asses.
- At true lovers' parting,
- The best form was farting
- With buttocks immersed in molasses.
- A gay young blade from Milano
- Was Count Galeazzo Ciano.
- Safe from the wars,
- He found that his drawers
- Contained rich deposits of guano.
- There was a young girl from New York
- Who expected a call from the stork.
- So with infinite caution
- She performed and abortion
- With an icepick, a spoon, and a fork.
- There once was a lady named Muir
- Whose mind was so frightfully pure
- That she fainted away
- At a friend's house one day
- When she saw some canary manure.
- A bartender's wife named Michelle
- Had a snatch that got juicy as hell.
- Since she tasted so nice,
- He would add rum and ice
- And mix drinks that were easy to sell.
- A verse libre young poet from Reeder
- Affirmed art without rhythm is sweeter.
- But when she met Pete,
- With his four metric feet,
- She'd applied her technique to his meter.
- There was a young ladie from Ayr,
- Who said to her friend, "I declare
- That sex is much better
- Without a french letter,
- But it does make a mess of my hair."
- There was a young lady of Newcastle
- Who wrapped up a trud in a parcel,
- And sent it to a relation
- With this invitation---
- "It has just come out hot from my arsehole."
- There was an old whore of Marseilles
- Who tried the new rotary spray.
- Said she, "Ah, that's better...
- Why here's a French letter
- That's been missing since Armistice Day!"
- Young Tom Doane, a promising jockey,
- Laid up his spurs, felling rocky.
- "I have got saddle-galls
- On both of my balls."
- But the doctor wrote down: Gonococci.
- Here's to the State of Iowa
- Whose soil is soft and rich.
- We need no turd
- From your beautiful bird,
- You red-heded son-of-a-bitch.
- A soi-disant Mynheer Professor
- Met a beat-up old whore from Odessa.
- She applied all her arts
- To his genital parts,
- But they only grew lesser and lesser.
- The first love of a lady named Ederle
- Found her hymen obstructed him steadily,
- But he merely rubbed lard on
- The end of his hard on,
- And then found he entered quite readily.
- A handsome young lad from Boston,
- Bought himself a new Austin,
- There was room for his ass,
- And plenty of gas,
- But the rest hung out and he lost'em !!!
- There was a young man known as Royce
- Who took an emetic by choice.
- He was fed, quite by chance,
- Half the crotch of the pants
- Of a girl who kept crab-lice as toys.
- There was a young man from Dundee
- Who buggered an ape in a tree.
- The result wasso horrid,
- All ass and no forehead,
- Three balls and a purple goatee.
- A curious fellow named Blatch
- Tried igniting his fart with a match.
- His cock got blown off,
- But the blast left a trough
- He was able to use as a snatch.
- Sweet Monica thought it no sin
- To drink a whole bottle of gin,
- Which explains the soiled dresses,
- Her dishevelled tresses,
- And the cum dripping off of her chin.
- The limerick, peculiar to English,
- Is a verse form that's hard to extinguish,
- Once congress, in session,
- Decreed it's suppression,
- But people got around it by writing the last line without any rhyme or meter.
- God's plan made a hopeful beginnin',
- But man spoiled his chances by sinnin'.
- We trust that the story
- Will end in God's glory,
- But at present the other side's winnin'.
Part 1 of 8:
- There was a young fellow named Dick
- Who perfected a wonderful trick.
- He'd get an erection,
- And scorn all protection,
- Then balance himself on his prick.
Part 2 of 8:
- "Twas a fearful and wonderful sight
- And the ladies all shrieked with delight;
- But the men were less zealous
- For it made them all jealous
- And they said Dick had no copyright!
Part 3 of 8:
- Then each of them tried it and failed,
- While their wives looked on helpless and wailed.
- For each one would teeter
- And fall off his peter,
- Or manage to get all derailed.
Part 4 of 8:
- So Dick was the toast of the town;
- There was nothing too good for that clown.
- And the wives all came flocking
- To the acrobat's cocking
- While the husbands deplored his renown.
Part 5 of 8:
- Then came the Frenchman Chagall:
- Whose number would bring down the hall;
- For his tour-de-force trick
- Was to straddle his prick
- And wheel out of sight on one ball.
Part 6 of 8:
- The ladies all ran to tease Dick
- That the frenchman had bettered his trick;
- So he straddled and struggled
- And one ball he juggled,
- But knocked out his prop with a kick.
Part 7 of 8:
- Now the tragedy didn't end there;
- For as Richard whirled down through the air,
- His prick became tied
- In a knot that defied
- All attempts to untangle it's snare.
Part 8 of 8:
- Most men would have died of remorse;
- But Dick found another resource;
- For pretzels he'd pose
- With his twisted up hose,
- And he made a nice income,of course.
- I hear they have started a test run
- On Liquid Viagra. When all done,
- A fella will say,
- At the end of the day:
- "Hey, Baby, go pour me a stiff one."
- There was a young artist named Bruce,
- Who was renowned for being obtuse.
- He painted his head
- A dark crimson red
- And his testicles purple and puce.
- There was a young lady named Duff
- With a lovely, luxuriant muff.
- In his haste to get in her,
- One eager beginner
- Lost both of his balls in the rough.