June 2001

Limericks o' the Day


There was a young man from Berlin,
A patron of sexual sin,
He crammed the small crease
'Twixt the legs of his niece
With a foot of his old rolling pin.


There once was an Indian called Ghandi,
Who went in a pub for a shandy.
He lifted his loin cloth
To wipe the froth off,
And the barmaid said, "Blimy that's handy!"
Contributed by
Andrew P.


Nymphomanical Queen Alice,
Used a dynamite stick as a phallus,
She stuck it right in,
Straight up her quim,
And blew up her twat and her palace!
Contributed by
Andrew P.


”Competition's a bit of a jerk",
Said our butcher, while hiding a smirk;
”The lazy young slob
Sat down on the job,
Got a little behind in his work."
Contributed by
Jan M.

Part 1 of 2:

”Dear Dad, you are getting quite old;
Your assets, I think, should be sold,
And given to me,
So that you can be free
To live out those years they call gold.”
contributed by
Jan M.

Part 2 of 2:

”Dear son, there's no reason to fret;
I haven't got Alzheimer's yet;
I'll do it my way,
'Till it's all pissed away;
Not one nickel or dime will you get!”
contributed by
Jan M.


There once was a sailor named Rex
Who spent his nights prowling the decks.
It wasn't salt air
That drew him out there,
But sailors of the very same sex.
contributed by
The Calabash Flash


”Dear Doctor, I fear I have thoughts
Which cause havoc inside of my shorts.
And I find that my cock
Gets as hard as a rock
And I come not in ounces but quarts.”
Contributed by
Jan M.


”Fallopian tube dead ahead
Cried the sperm as he upwardly sped.
Then the splosh and the sploosh
And the whoosh of a douche
Flushed him downwards and outwards instead.
Contributed by
Jan M.


”Hell No!”, said the Duchess of Quick
I won't suck on that filthy old prick!
It's not that I spurn
A mouthful of sperm
But the stench from his ass makes me sick!”
Contributed by
Jan M.


”I'm so lonely” the homely lass whined
She had kinky thoughts on her mind,
But in Ft. Laramie
Colonel John Jeremy
Put his privates inside 'er behind.
Contributed by
Jan M.


There once was a man from Ealing,
Who had no respectful feeling.
The sign on the door,
Said, "Don't piss on the floor!",
So he stood up and pissed on the ceiling.
Contributed by


For many miles my Volks did roam,
All covered with bright, shiny chrome.
The day that she died,
I wept and I cried,
Now she's parked at the old Volk's home.
Contributed by
The Calabash Flash


”Let's try it this new way,” said Jack
As he winked at the girl in the sack.
She turned and she grunted,
”I should be affronted,
But this time, I'm taken aback!”
Contributed by
Jan M.

Part 1 of 2:

Lara Croft was a raider of tombs
Whose best weapon sent foes to their dooms.
Men she fought had no chance
Once engulfed in the trance
She induced with her mammoth bazooms!

Part 2 of 2:

Lara Croft launched a daring attack.
Guns ablaze, the tomb raider fought back.
'Twas a pity she died,
But, alas, she relied
On some twit with the joystick named Jack.
Contributed by
Vic P.


A bi-sexual by the name of Straughter
Did what he he shouldn'ta oughta.
He went to Trieste
To engage in incest
With his son and his bow-legged daughter.
Contributed by
The Calabash Flash


Timid Tim wed a virgin named Heather.
She was shy when they cuddled together.
But the first time they stripped,
He got hogtied and whipped
By a thigh-booted bitch in black leather!
Contributed by
Theresa V.


A celebrity we know as Mork
Was always pounding his pork.
When he got his first piece
From his underage niece,
The next thing that came was the Stork.
Contributed by
The Calabash Flash


”M' Lard”, said the sweet English maid,
”I wonder if I could get laid.
In lieu of my wages,
I'll fuck you in stages,
A non-taxable way to get paid.”
Contributed by
Jan M.


A man by the name of Odum
Had balls too big for his scrotum.
He thought and he thought,
But all was for naught,
Cause he ne'er figured how to unload'em.
Contributed by
The Calabash Flash


A starry-eyed virgin named Carrie
Planned a candlelight dinner for Harry.
She was sure to impress
In that black leather dress,
Which, alas, sealed the fate of her cherry.
Contributed by
Theresa V.


The nipples of Miss Sarah Strong,
When exicted, were 12 inches long.
This embarassed her lover
Who was pained to discover
She expected no less of his dong.
Contributed by
The Calabash Flash

Part 1 of 2:

”Next patient”, the doc said, and laughed
As young Joe sidled in feeling daft.
With his trousers a-flappin'
Revealing a yappin'
Chihuahua impaled on his shaft.

Part 2 of 2:

”Oh please don't tell mom; she'll go mad.”
”Why, of course not, young Joe; don't look sad.
It's quite normal and soon
When you're older (next June)
You'll grow out of this puppy love, lad.”
Contributed by
Jan M.


An exotic young hooker named Lily
Could delight any John, Dick or Willy.
But the best thing she gave
To a pecker named Dave
Was a refund -- for his was a dilly!
Contributed by
Theresa V.


”No bananas”, she said with a sigh,
As a tear trickled down from her eye.
”No cukes, no zucchinis,
No Oscar Meyer weenies.
I'll have to go find me a guy.”
Contributed by
Jan M.


A psychiatrist/proctologist named Stutts
Showed that he had lots of guts.
When he erected a sign
At 4th Street and Vine
That read, "We treat Nuts and Butts!"
Contributed by
The Calabash Flash

Part 1 of 2:

”Oh Father”, said young Sister Bridget,
A-squirming and all of a fidget.
”I'm sorry to say
And confess every day
That I diddle myself with my digit.”

Part 2 of 2:

”God bless you, my daughter”, he said.
”I forgive you; there's nothing to dread.”
(And he fingered his pole
As he thought of the hole
In the ceiling right over her bed.)
Contributed by
Jan M.

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