Limericks o' the Day
- A lady by name of Dundee
- First gave it away for free.
- You can still get her stuff,
- But times, they are tough,
- So now you must pay her a fee.
The Calabash Flash
- ”Wanna screw in the office, dear Kate?"
- ”OK." "Then; we'll stay a bit late.”
- But, on starting to screw,
- In came Joe, ”Who are you?”
- ”I'm her Orifice Manager, Mate!”
- A beauty with charm was my Jane.
- Personality, looks, and a brain!
- Yet she lived free from sin
- (Well, I couldn't get in!)
- I'll not bother to see her again ...
- "Well, let's share and make it a triple,
- Each of us sucking one nipple.
- But when it comes to the holes,
- We'll have to change poles,
- And decide whose turn 'tis to tickle."
- A befuddled sweet Chicky named Ida
- Said to Gavin as he slid it insider.
- ”I'd much rather be
- Underneath as 'ridee'
- Than on top in the role of the rider.”
- A bitchy young babe from Le Bou
- Complained everytime she would screw.
- She was a big pain,
- As your pecker she'd drain
- But with earplugs she surely would do
- A bottle of perfume that Willie sent
- Was highly displeasing to Millicent.
- Her thanks were so cold,
- That they quarrelled, I'm told
- 'Cause Willie sent Millicent silly scent.
- A Chicago meat packer named Young
- One day, when his nerves were unstrung,
- Put his wife's ma, unseen,
- In a sausage machine,
- And canned her, and labelled her ”Tongue.”
- A cardiac patient named Fred
- Made a limerick up in his head.
- But before he had time
- To write down the last line
- There once was a girl named Korky,
- Who used her mouth quite adroitly.
- The boys she would please
- From down on her knees.
- She bobbed like a fisherman's cork, see.
- A co-ed whose thinking was cool
- Seduced a young man at her school.
- To avoid her conception,
- And prevent an infection,
- A condom was put on his tool.
- A curious lass from Dundee
- Tried two lads simultaneously.
- From the fore and the aft
- She was given the shaft.
- Now it pains her to sit and to pee.
- A curious thing, the vagina;
- Besides being a lovely recliner,
- It has lips that don't talk,
- And goes 'squish' when you walk,
- But I can't think of anything finer!
- A daredevil skater named Lowe
- Leaps barrels arranged in the snow.
- But is proudest of doing
- Some incredible screwing,
- Since he's jumped13 girls in a row!
- A decrepit old gas man named Peter,
- While hunting around for the meter,
- Touched a lamp with his light...
- He rose out of sight,
- And, as anyone can see by reading this, he also completely destroyed the meter.
- A dentist, young Doctor Malone
- Got a charming girl patient alone.
- And in his depravity,
- Filled the wrong cavity,
- And my, how his practice has grown!
- A despairing old landlord named Fyfe
- With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
- Let his third-story front,
- To a willing young cunt,
- Who supplied him a new lease on life!
- A devious young lady named Alice,
- Sought to live out her life in a palace.
- So with mouth and by hand,
- And a pussy most grand,
- She pleasures the king's royal phallus.
- A stubborn young welder named Pitts
- Thought blondes with big boobs were all twits.
- He was thrilled when he met
- A vivacious brunette
- Who was blessed with a set o'lean tits.
- A DNA mix-up named Doris
- Had a strangely located clitoris,
- It was attached to her gums,
- So whenever she hums,
- She comes when she reaches the chorus!
- A dowager from old Sneden Landing
- Had manners both bluff and commanding.
- It was one of her jests
- To trip up her guests,
- For she hates to keep gentlemen standing!
- A flighty young gal named Melissa
- Was careless as hell on the pissa.
- One day in the rush,
- She was caught in the flush,
- And goodness knows all of us missa!
- A foreman who's known to be rude
- Said something a worker thought lewd.
- Though red in the face,
- She's got a court case,
- So it's his butt that's going to be screwed.
- There was a young man named McGruder,
- He saw a lass and he woo'ed 'er.
- The lass was crass,
- And said "Kiss my ass,"
- But McGruder was cruder, he screwed 'er!
- A French boy, whose name is Pierre
- Engaged in a family affair.
- He and his big brother
- Were gang-banging Mother
- While Sis sucked off Dad in his chair.
- A gal who weighed many an ounce
- Used words nice girls don't pronounce.
- Her brother, one day,
- Pulled her chair away,
- He wanted to see if she'd bounce.
- A flying instructor named Dwight
- Took a babe on her very first flight.
- He could tell, from her glance
- At the bulge in his pants,
- He'd be up in her cockpit tonight!
- A gardener named Kenneth McDeare
- Likes plants more than women, we fear.
- ”He's hardly perennial.”
- Say folks who know Kenny well.
- ”He only comes up once a year”
- A gay prison chaplain named Locke
- Had a passion for hard convict cock.
- For his ass-holey ways,
- In his Alcatraz days,
- He was nicknamed "The Piece of the Rock."
- A gentle old lady I knew
- Was dozing one day in her pew;
- When the preacher yelled ”Sin!”
- She said, ”Count me in!
- As soon as the service is through!”
- Consider the humiliation
- Of teachers of sex education,
- When requested to speak,
- Must display their technique,
- With some doll that requires inflation.