January 2001

Limericks o' the Day


A lovely young virgin named Lynn
Once said about fucking, "It's sin."
But a fellow named Tang,
With a twenty-inch wang,
Made her cry to the heavens, "It's in!"
Contributed by
Theresa V.


There was a young woman named Hunt
At a costume ball, dressed as a cunt.
She teamed up with Nick,
Who had come as a dick,
To perform an xxxceptional stunt!
Contributed by
Theresa V.


There was a young man from Cape Grace
Who blew a fart out into space.
With gravity's attraction
And Einstein's reaction,
It returned and spat shit in his face!
Contributed by
John C.


There was a bluestocking in Florence
Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
Till a Spanish grandee
Got her off with his knee,
And she burned all her works with abhorrence.


A sailor ashore in Peru
Said, "Signora, quanto por la screw?"
"For only one peso
I will, if you say so,
Be buggered, and nibble it, too."


There's a man in the city of Dublin
Whose pego is always him troublin',
And it's now come to this,
That he can't go to piss,
But the spunk with the piddle comes bubblin'.


A sprightly young tart in Pompeii
Used to make fifty drachma per lay.
But age dimmed her renown
And now she lies down
Fifty times for the same pay.


Tom found his new boss inspirational.
Her legs, in tight skirts, were sensational!
Her alluring eyes
Made his temperature rise.
He became, in a word, masterbational!
Contributed by
Theresa V.


Says a busy young whore named Miss Randalls,
As men by the dozens she handles,
"When I get this busy
My cunt gets all jizzy,
And it runs down my legs like wax candles."


There was a young woman named Lily,
Who chanced to be born with a willy.
Since she had a cunt too,
When she felt like a screw
She could lie back and fuck herself silly!
Contributed by
Theresa V.


A prosperous merchant of Rhone
Took orders for cunt on the phone,
Or the same could be baled,
Stamped, labeled, and mailed
To a limited parcel-post zone.


There was an old man from Bubjungi
Whose balls were all covered with fungi.
One day at lunch,
He broke off a bunch
And said, "Here, divide this among ye!"
Contributed by
John C.


The replies to Kim's ad were not funny.
She would not have some fag for her honey!
But she targeted them
With "GWM",
Believing it meant "guy with money".
Contributed by
Theresa V.


DuPont, Monsanto, and Shell
Built a world-circling pussy cartel,
And by planned obsolescence
So controlled detumescence
A poor man could not get a smell.


A golfer from old Aberdeen
Had a swing that you never had seen.
When he hit for the boll,
He lost the control,
And swinged HIMSELF up on the green.
Contributed by


There was a young girl of Dalkeith
With a hymen in need of relief,
So she went to the doctor
Who prodded and shocked her,
And stretched it with fingers and teeth.


There was a young girl of Batonger,
Used to diddle herself with a conger.
When asked how it feels
To be pleasured by eels,
She said, "Just like a man, only longer."


"My Nieces are darling," said Sid.
"To oblige them, I do as I'm bid."
As he tucked them in bed,
He asked, "What's to be read?"
"Uncle Rhemus," they cried." And he did.
Contributed by
Geo. A.


A light-footed, old Commodore,
More easy than a two-bit whore,
Just wanted to drink
And to fondle your dink,
But he's not around anymore.


A marine being sent to Hong Kong
Got his doctor to alter his dong.
He sailed off with a tool
Flat and thin as a rule---
When he got there he found he was wrong.


The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
Called a girl a most elegant creature.
So she laid on her back
And, exposing her crack,
Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!"


There once was a man named of Sweeny
Who dribbled some gin on his weenie.
Not being uncouth,
He added vermouth,
And slipped his wife a martini.
Contributed by
Bob W.


A legal assistant named Alice
Craved a certain solicitor's phallus,
And indeed didn't mind
That the contract she signed
Cited no cunnilingus nor malice.
Contributed by
Theresa V.


There was a fat lady of Bryde
Whose shoelaces once came untied.
She didn't dare stoop
For fear she would poop,
And she cried and she cried and she cried.


Performing bare-bosomed thrilled Tipper,
Her first night on stage as a stripper!
But disaster ensued.
She was only half nude,
When her cunt hair got caught in her zipper.
Contributed by
Theresa V.


There was a young girl from Seattle
Whose hobby was sucking off cattle.
But a bull from the South
Left a wad in her mouth
That made both her ovaries rattle.


There once was a woman named Monica
Who blew Bill Clinton on Hannukah.
When questioned in court,
Her answer was short:
"I played it like a harmonica."
Contributed by
Marty M.


There once was a man from France
Who liked to take off his pants.
He pulled down his shorts
And showed all his warts,
And that's when we saw all the ants.
Contributed by
Marty M.


A mathematician confided
That a Mobius strip is one-sided.
You'll get quite a laugh
If you cut it in half
For it stays in one piece when divided.
Contributed by
Marty M.


There was a young fellow named Peter
Who was laying his gal with a cheater,
When the rubber thing broke
And started to smoke
From the friction with her piss-hole (ureter).


There was an old sailor named Jock
Who was wrecked on a desolate rock.
He had nothing to eat
But the punk off his feet,
And the cheese from the end of his cock.

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