Limericks o' the Day
- A lovely young virgin named Lynn
- Once said about fucking, "It's sin."
- But a fellow named Tang,
- With a twenty-inch wang,
- Made her cry to the heavens, "It's in!"
- There was a young woman named Hunt
- At a costume ball, dressed as a cunt.
- She teamed up with Nick,
- Who had come as a dick,
- To perform an xxxceptional stunt!
- There was a young man from Cape Grace
- Who blew a fart out into space.
- With gravity's attraction
- And Einstein's reaction,
- It returned and spat shit in his face!
- There was a bluestocking in Florence
- Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
- Till a Spanish grandee
- Got her off with his knee,
- And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
- A sailor ashore in Peru
- Said, "Signora, quanto por la screw?"
- "For only one peso
- I will, if you say so,
- Be buggered, and nibble it, too."
- There's a man in the city of Dublin
- Whose pego is always him troublin',
- And it's now come to this,
- That he can't go to piss,
- But the spunk with the piddle comes bubblin'.
- A sprightly young tart in Pompeii
- Used to make fifty drachma per lay.
- But age dimmed her renown
- And now she lies down
- Fifty times for the same pay.
- Tom found his new boss inspirational.
- Her legs, in tight skirts, were sensational!
- Her alluring eyes
- Made his temperature rise.
- He became, in a word, masterbational!
- Says a busy young whore named Miss Randalls,
- As men by the dozens she handles,
- "When I get this busy
- My cunt gets all jizzy,
- And it runs down my legs like wax candles."
- There was a young woman named Lily,
- Who chanced to be born with a willy.
- Since she had a cunt too,
- When she felt like a screw
- She could lie back and fuck herself silly!
- A prosperous merchant of Rhone
- Took orders for cunt on the phone,
- Or the same could be baled,
- Stamped, labeled, and mailed
- To a limited parcel-post zone.
- There was an old man from Bubjungi
- Whose balls were all covered with fungi.
- One day at lunch,
- He broke off a bunch
- And said, "Here, divide this among ye!"
- The replies to Kim's ad were not funny.
- She would not have some fag for her honey!
- But she targeted them
- With "GWM",
- Believing it meant "guy with money".
- DuPont, Monsanto, and Shell
- Built a world-circling pussy cartel,
- And by planned obsolescence
- So controlled detumescence
- A poor man could not get a smell.
- A golfer from old Aberdeen
- Had a swing that you never had seen.
- When he hit for the boll,
- He lost the control,
- And swinged HIMSELF up on the green.
- There was a young girl of Dalkeith
- With a hymen in need of relief,
- So she went to the doctor
- Who prodded and shocked her,
- And stretched it with fingers and teeth.
- There was a young girl of Batonger,
- Used to diddle herself with a conger.
- When asked how it feels
- To be pleasured by eels,
- She said, "Just like a man, only longer."
- "My Nieces are darling," said Sid.
- "To oblige them, I do as I'm bid."
- As he tucked them in bed,
- He asked, "What's to be read?"
- "Uncle Rhemus," they cried." And he did.
- A light-footed, old Commodore,
- More easy than a two-bit whore,
- Just wanted to drink
- And to fondle your dink,
- But he's not around anymore.
- A marine being sent to Hong Kong
- Got his doctor to alter his dong.
- He sailed off with a tool
- Flat and thin as a rule---
- When he got there he found he was wrong.
- The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
- Called a girl a most elegant creature.
- So she laid on her back
- And, exposing her crack,
- Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!"
- There once was a man named of Sweeny
- Who dribbled some gin on his weenie.
- Not being uncouth,
- He added vermouth,
- And slipped his wife a martini.
- A legal assistant named Alice
- Craved a certain solicitor's phallus,
- And indeed didn't mind
- That the contract she signed
- Cited no cunnilingus nor malice.
- There was a fat lady of Bryde
- Whose shoelaces once came untied.
- She didn't dare stoop
- For fear she would poop,
- And she cried and she cried and she cried.
- Performing bare-bosomed thrilled Tipper,
- Her first night on stage as a stripper!
- But disaster ensued.
- She was only half nude,
- When her cunt hair got caught in her zipper.
- There was a young girl from Seattle
- Whose hobby was sucking off cattle.
- But a bull from the South
- Left a wad in her mouth
- That made both her ovaries rattle.
- There once was a woman named Monica
- Who blew Bill Clinton on Hannukah.
- When questioned in court,
- Her answer was short:
- "I played it like a harmonica."
- There once was a man from France
- Who liked to take off his pants.
- He pulled down his shorts
- And showed all his warts,
- And that's when we saw all the ants.
- A mathematician confided
- That a Mobius strip is one-sided.
- You'll get quite a laugh
- If you cut it in half
- For it stays in one piece when divided.
- There was a young fellow named Peter
- Who was laying his gal with a cheater,
- When the rubber thing broke
- And started to smoke
- From the friction with her piss-hole (ureter).
- There was an old sailor named Jock
- Who was wrecked on a desolate rock.
- He had nothing to eat
- But the punk off his feet,
- And the cheese from the end of his cock.