Limericks o' the Day
- A lady was once heard to weep,
- "My figure no more I can keep.
- It's my husband's demand
- For a tit in each hand,
- But the bastard will walk in his sleep!"
- There was a young couple from Kent,
- Who spent the weekend in a tent.
- He got an erection,
- But had no protection,
- So she packed up her bags and went.
- There once was a Dutchman named Spiegle
- Who slept with an elegant beagle.
- As they crawled into bed
- He wistfully said,
- "It'll be much better if you wiggle."
- Said the famous composer, R. Strauss
- When asked why he buggered a mouse:
- "Though its cunt is quite tiny.
- On occasion its heiny
- Will stretch quite as big as a house."
- There was a young lady named Myrtle
- Who had an affair with a turtle.
- She had crabs, so they say,
- In a year and a day.
- Which proves that the turtle was fertile.
- "It grows to three inches," said Rick,
- When describing the size of his dick.
- But no girl ever laughed
- Or rejected his shaft,
- For they all seemed to like it that thick!
- There was a young man of Calcutta
- Who tried to write "Cunt" on a shutter.
- He had got to "c-u-"
- When a pious Hindu
- Knocked him arse over tip in the gutter.
- There once was a girl at the Ritz
- Who liked to have men bite her tits.
- One good Fletcherizer
- Made her sadder but wiser
- By chewing them up into bits.
- A tired young trollop of Nome
- Was worn out from her toes to her dome.
- Eight miners came screwing,
- But she said, "Nothing doing;
- One of you has to go home!"
- A man who once live in Cedar
- Had a job in the yard as a weeder.
- 'Til working one day,
- He decided to play,
- And got fired for not pulling weeds but his peter.
Contributed by Bob W.
- Said a naked young soldier named Mickey
- As his cunt eued his stiff, throbbing dickey,
- "Kid, my leave's almost up,
- But I feel like a tup;
- Bend over and I'll slip you a quickie."
- There was a young man named Macgruder,
- Who had a fair lass and he woo'ed her.
- She thought it was lewd,
- To be woo'ed in the nude,
- But Macgruder was shrewder and screwed her.
- A nasty old bugger of Cheltenham
- Once shit in his bags as he knelt in 'em.
- So he sold 'em at Ware
- To a gentleman there
- Who didn't much like what he smelt in 'em.
- A young vicar from Canterbury
- Who boned sixteen sheep in a hurry
- Was tending his flock
- While inserting his cock:
- "Why the hell are these things so damn furry?"
- She agreed the technique would be fancy,
- But expressed the concern it was chancy.
- With his usual flair,
- Mark leapt high in the air,
- Then took one stroke to finish off Nancy!
- There was a young lady of Fismes
- Who amazingly voided four streams.
- A friend poked around
- And a fly-button found
- Wedged tightly in one of her seams.
- A fastidious young fop of Bhogat
- Would suck a girl's cunt, just like that.
- But he'd wipe off her jib,
- And then slip on a bib,
- To make sure not to soil his cravat.
- A guy met a girl in Anacostia
- And said,"Darling, dare I accost ya?
- I got only a buck,
- Is that good for a fuck?"
- She replied, "Not a fart will it cost ya."
- There was a young lady of Tring
- Who sat by the fire to sing.
- A piece of charcoal
- Flew up her arsehole
- And burnt all the hair off her quim.
- A professor who taught at Holyoke
- Had a bung like a red artichoke.
- She was greatly annoyed
- That each ripe hemorrhoid
- Always quivered whenever she spoke.
- I sat by the Duchess at tea,
- And she asked, "Do you fart when you pee?"
- I said with some wit,
- "Do you belch when you shit?"
- And felt it was one up to me.
- When Jupiter hid in a swan
- And laid Leda low on the lawn,
- Pled she, "Stick your neck in,
- But please do not peck in
- My box, for the lining is gone."
Part 1 of 2:
- A spy named Sophia got caught,
- And was taken away to be shot!
- She stared with wide eyes
- At the gun's immense size,
- Then moaned as it throbbed in her twat!
Part 2 of 2:
- Sophia considered it odd
- Getting blown away with a wad,
- But was thrilled that the dong
- Was as thick and as long
- On each man in the firing squad!
- There once was a man from Caerphilly
- Who liked, in the barn, to get silly.
- With horses and sheep
- He uttered a peep,
- But he yelled when it came to the filly.
- Said a young man of Novorossisk,
- "I use vulcanization by Fisk.
- Of course it comes higher,
- But when it's time to retire
- You can frisk with a minimal risk."
- A wicked young gent from Australia
- Put fear into the outback's mammalia.
- At night he'd come creepin'
- To where they was sleepin'
- To reveal things too secret to tell ya'.
- There was a young Royal Marine
- Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen."
- When he reached the soprano
- Out came the guano,
- And his breeches weren't fit to be seen.