February 2001

Limericks o' the Day


A lady was once heard to weep,
"My figure no more I can keep.
It's my husband's demand
For a tit in each hand,
But the bastard will walk in his sleep!"


There was a young couple from Kent,
Who spent the weekend in a tent.
He got an erection,
But had no protection,
So she packed up her bags and went.
Contributed by
Will F.


There once was a Dutchman named Spiegle
Who slept with an elegant beagle.
As they crawled into bed
He wistfully said,
"It'll be much better if you wiggle."


Said the famous composer, R. Strauss
When asked why he buggered a mouse:
"Though its cunt is quite tiny.
On occasion its heiny
Will stretch quite as big as a house."


There was a young lady named Myrtle
Who had an affair with a turtle.
She had crabs, so they say,
In a year and a day.
Which proves that the turtle was fertile.


"It grows to three inches," said Rick,
When describing the size of his dick.
But no girl ever laughed
Or rejected his shaft,
For they all seemed to like it that thick!
Contributed by
Theresa V.


There was a young man of Calcutta
Who tried to write "Cunt" on a shutter.
He had got to "c-u-"
When a pious Hindu
Knocked him arse over tip in the gutter.


There once was a girl at the Ritz
Who liked to have men bite her tits.
One good Fletcherizer
Made her sadder but wiser
By chewing them up into bits.


A tired young trollop of Nome
Was worn out from her toes to her dome.
Eight miners came screwing,
But she said, "Nothing doing;
One of you has to go home!"


A man who once live in Cedar
Had a job in the yard as a weeder.
'Til working one day,
He decided to play,
And got fired for not pulling weeds but his peter.
Contributed by Bob W.


Said a naked young soldier named Mickey
As his cunt eued his stiff, throbbing dickey,
"Kid, my leave's almost up,
But I feel like a tup;
Bend over and I'll slip you a quickie."


There was a young man named Macgruder,
Who had a fair lass and he woo'ed her.
She thought it was lewd,
To be woo'ed in the nude,
But Macgruder was shrewder and screwed her.
Contribued by
Larry M.


A nasty old bugger of Cheltenham
Once shit in his bags as he knelt in 'em.
So he sold 'em at Ware
To a gentleman there
Who didn't much like what he smelt in 'em.


A young vicar from Canterbury
Who boned sixteen sheep in a hurry
Was tending his flock
While inserting his cock:
"Why the hell are these things so damn furry?"
Contribued by
Neal S.


She agreed the technique would be fancy,
But expressed the concern it was chancy.
With his usual flair,
Mark leapt high in the air,
Then took one stroke to finish off Nancy!
Contribued by
Theresa V.


There was a young lady of Fismes
Who amazingly voided four streams.
A friend poked around
And a fly-button found
Wedged tightly in one of her seams.


A fastidious young fop of Bhogat
Would suck a girl's cunt, just like that.
But he'd wipe off her jib,
And then slip on a bib,
To make sure not to soil his cravat.


A guy met a girl in Anacostia
And said,"Darling, dare I accost ya?
I got only a buck,
Is that good for a fuck?"
She replied, "Not a fart will it cost ya."


There was a young lady of Tring
Who sat by the fire to sing.
A piece of charcoal
Flew up her arsehole
And burnt all the hair off her quim.


A professor who taught at Holyoke
Had a bung like a red artichoke.
She was greatly annoyed
That each ripe hemorrhoid
Always quivered whenever she spoke.


I sat by the Duchess at tea,
And she asked, "Do you fart when you pee?"
I said with some wit,
"Do you belch when you shit?"
And felt it was one up to me.


When Jupiter hid in a swan
And laid Leda low on the lawn,
Pled she, "Stick your neck in,
But please do not peck in
My box, for the lining is gone."

Part 1 of 2:

A spy named Sophia got caught,
And was taken away to be shot!
She stared with wide eyes
At the gun's immense size,
Then moaned as it throbbed in her twat!

Part 2 of 2:

Sophia considered it odd
Getting blown away with a wad,
But was thrilled that the dong
Was as thick and as long
On each man in the firing squad!
Contributed by
Theresa V.


There once was a man from Caerphilly
Who liked, in the barn, to get silly.
With horses and sheep
He uttered a peep,
But he yelled when it came to the filly.
Contributed by
Bryan G.


Said a young man of Novorossisk,
"I use vulcanization by Fisk.
Of course it comes higher,
But when it's time to retire
You can frisk with a minimal risk."


A wicked young gent from Australia
Put fear into the outback's mammalia.
At night he'd come creepin'
To where they was sleepin'
To reveal things too secret to tell ya'.
Contributed by
Geo. A.


There was a young Royal Marine
Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen."
When he reached the soprano
Out came the guano,
And his breeches weren't fit to be seen.

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