Limericks o' the Day
- A girl from Shanghai had a ball
- With the whole Eighth Army last fall.
- She was screwed, with a smile,
- Seven times every mile,
- The full length of the Chinese Great Wall.
- Lil married a rich old geezer
- But the old dude just couldn’t please her.
- So she slipped him Viagra,
- Then he flowed like Niagara,
- And screwed 'til he died from the seizure.
- The jury convicted poor Dolly
- Of a crime they called sexual folly.
- Though she proved that her rape
- Was performed by an ape,
- What she bore looked much more like a collie.
- A girl, much too young, but her bust is
- Sure making me horny, and lust is
- Consuming my head
- To get her in bed:
- Her name is Miss Carriage, of Justice.
- There was a young man from Siberia
- Who's morals were rather inferior.
- He did to a Nun
- What he shouldn't have done,
- And now she's a Mother Superior.
- A greengrocer's girl from the Humber
- The boys thought a really hot number.
- When business was slow,
- She'd put on a show,
- Performing the cucumber rumba.
- A handsome young fellow called Campbell
- Went out with some girls on a ramble.
- They were pleased and impressed
- By his sexy prowess,
- But he cried, ”This is just the preamble!”
- A hillbilly gent name of Cato
- Wanted sex with his girl on a Date-o.
- She said, ”Yer dick's real purdy,
- But yer balls are too dirty,
- They look like a fresh dug potato!”
- A homely old woman named Jane
- Was hired by a farmer in Spain
- To stand in his field
- After research revealed
- That rain mainly falls on the plain.
- A horny young woman named Kate,
- Had hoped for a really hot date,
- But despite lots of kissing,
- His erection was missing,
- So next time she'll just masturbate.
- A raunchy old hooker from Norway
- Would peddle her ass in the doorway.
- She always said, "Honey,
- Ya gotta have money
- Cause I only fuck in the whore way."
- A lisping young man from Fort Worth,
- With a dick of fantastical girth,
- Once said with a grin,
- As he coaxed it all in,
- ”I can thee that I'm not quite your firtht!”
- A maiden at college, Miss Breeze,
- Weighed down by B.A.'s and Lit.D's,
- Collapsed from the strain,
- Said her doctor, ”It's plain
- You are killing yourself by degrees!”
- A man from Southern Nantucket
- Took a shit in a big rusty bucket.
- He got wedged in that pail,
- An embarrassing tale...
- It was only a fart that unstuck it.
- A man with venereal fear
- Had intercourse in his wife's ear.
- She said, ”I don't mind,
- Except that I find
- When the telephone rings, I don't hear.”
- A modern cinegraphic emporium
- Is not just a super-sensorium
- When the mood is terrific
- It's an ultra specific
- Mutual masterbatorium.
- A modest young girl named Oola
- Once donned a grass skirt to dance Hula.
- A cow ate the grass,
- Exposing her ass,
- Now she's no longer modest but coola.
- A mouse in her room woke Miss Dowd
- Who was frightened and screamed very loud!
- Then a happy thought hit her
- To scare off the critter:
- She sat up in bed and meowed!
- A near-sighted chap named Coulter
- Led a glamorous gal to the altar.
- Quite lovely he thought her
- Till strong soap and hot water
- Made her look like the rock of Gibraltar.
- A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
- Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
- To entice his regard
- She would squat in his yard
- And appealingly piss in the snow.
- An incompetent rapist from Ghent,
- Had a phallus all crooked and bent.
- He confessed with chagrin,
- "True, I fail to get it in,
- But it leaves one helluva dent!"
- I'd rather have fingers than toes,
- I'd rather have ears than a nose.
- And a happy erection,
- Brought just to perfection,
- Makes me terribly sad when it goes.
- A pitiful case is young Rex,
- With his bulgingly masculine pecs,
- And biceps the size
- Of a weightlifter's thighs,
- For he's thinking of changing his sex.
- A priest amidst his congregation
- Was engaging in wild masturbation.
- They called in the Pope
- And he answered, ”There's hope
- For I, too, am in his situation”.
- A progressive professor named Tinners
- Held classes each evening for sinners.
- They were graded and spaced
- So the very debased
- Would not be held back by beginners.
- A publisher once went to France
- In search of a tale of romance;
- A Parisian lady
- Told a story so shady
- That the publisher made an advance.
- A quick witted astronaut, Dwight,
- When asked 'bout his upcoming flight,
- Did he have worry one
- 'Bout landing on the sun?
- ”Heck no, we're landing at night!”
- Amidst the confusion of a crowd,
- Dirty Joe fondled young Miss Dowd.
- She was shocked and afrighted,
- And yet so excited,
- That she moaned for help ... but not too loud!
- The limerick is furtive and mean.
- You must keep her in close quarantine.
- Or she sneaks to the slums
- And promptly becomes
- Disorderly, drunk and obscene!
- By the time this poem is read,
- I will have lain down to bed.
- I'll whip out my dick,
- And jerk off quick...
- My sex life is all in my head.
- A randy young fellow named Payne
- Wooed a lovely girl, but in vain,
- For she swore when he kissed her,
- So he slept with her sister
- Again and again and again.