August 2001

Limericks o' the Day


A girl from Shanghai had a ball
With the whole Eighth Army last fall.
She was screwed, with a smile,
Seven times every mile,
The full length of the Chinese Great Wall.
Contributed by
Jan M.


Lil married a rich old geezer
But the old dude just couldn’t please her.
So she slipped him Viagra,
Then he flowed like Niagara,
And screwed 'til he died from the seizure.
Contributed by
Yar Har


The jury convicted poor Dolly
Of a crime they called sexual folly.
Though she proved that her rape
Was performed by an ape,
What she bore looked much more like a collie.
Contributed by
Theresa V.


A girl, much too young, but her bust is
Sure making me horny, and lust is
Consuming my head
To get her in bed:
Her name is Miss Carriage, of Justice.
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was a young man from Siberia
Who's morals were rather inferior.
He did to a Nun
What he shouldn't have done,
And now she's a Mother Superior.
Contributed by
John H.


A greengrocer's girl from the Humber
The boys thought a really hot number.
When business was slow,
She'd put on a show,
Performing the cucumber rumba.
Contributed by
Jan M.


A handsome young fellow called Campbell
Went out with some girls on a ramble.
They were pleased and impressed
By his sexy prowess,
But he cried, ”This is just the preamble!”
Contributed by
Jan M.


A hillbilly gent name of Cato
Wanted sex with his girl on a Date-o.
She said, ”Yer dick's real purdy,
But yer balls are too dirty,
They look like a fresh dug potato!”
Contributed by
Jan M.


A homely old woman named Jane
Was hired by a farmer in Spain
To stand in his field
After research revealed
That rain mainly falls on the plain.
Contributed by
Jan M.


A horny young woman named Kate,
Had hoped for a really hot date,
But despite lots of kissing,
His erection was missing,
So next time she'll just masturbate.
Contributed by
Jan M.


A raunchy old hooker from Norway
Would peddle her ass in the doorway.
She always said, "Honey,
Ya gotta have money
Cause I only fuck in the whore way."
Contributed by
Theresa V.


A lisping young man from Fort Worth,
With a dick of fantastical girth,
Once said with a grin,
As he coaxed it all in,
”I can thee that I'm not quite your firtht!”
Contributed by
Jan M.


A maiden at college, Miss Breeze,
Weighed down by B.A.'s and Lit.D's,
Collapsed from the strain,
Said her doctor, ”It's plain
You are killing yourself by degrees!”
Contributed by
Jan M.


A man from Southern Nantucket
Took a shit in a big rusty bucket.
He got wedged in that pail,
An embarrassing tale...
It was only a fart that unstuck it.
Contributed by
Jan M.


A man with venereal fear
Had intercourse in his wife's ear.
She said, ”I don't mind,
Except that I find
When the telephone rings, I don't hear.”
Contributed by
Jan M.


A modern cinegraphic emporium
Is not just a super-sensorium
When the mood is terrific
It's an ultra specific
Mutual masterbatorium.
Contributed by
Jan M.


A modest young girl named Oola
Once donned a grass skirt to dance Hula.
A cow ate the grass,
Exposing her ass,
Now she's no longer modest but coola.
Contributed by
Jan M.


A mouse in her room woke Miss Dowd
Who was frightened and screamed very loud!
Then a happy thought hit her
To scare off the critter:
She sat up in bed and meowed!
Contributed by
Jan M.


A near-sighted chap named Coulter
Led a glamorous gal to the altar.
Quite lovely he thought her
Till strong soap and hot water
Made her look like the rock of Gibraltar.
Contributed by
Jan M.


A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
To entice his regard
She would squat in his yard
And appealingly piss in the snow.
Contributed by
Jan M.


An incompetent rapist from Ghent,
Had a phallus all crooked and bent.
He confessed with chagrin,
"True, I fail to get it in,
But it leaves one helluva dent!"
Contributed by
Geo. A.


I'd rather have fingers than toes,
I'd rather have ears than a nose.
And a happy erection,
Brought just to perfection,
Makes me terribly sad when it goes.
Contributed by
Jim R.


A pitiful case is young Rex,
With his bulgingly masculine pecs,
And biceps the size
Of a weightlifter's thighs,
For he's thinking of changing his sex.
Contributed by
Jan M.


A priest amidst his congregation
Was engaging in wild masturbation.
They called in the Pope
And he answered, ”There's hope
For I, too, am in his situation”.
Contributed by
Jan M.


A progressive professor named Tinners
Held classes each evening for sinners.
They were graded and spaced
So the very debased
Would not be held back by beginners.
Contributed by
Jan M.


A publisher once went to France
In search of a tale of romance;
A Parisian lady
Told a story so shady
That the publisher made an advance.
Contributed by
Jan M.


A quick witted astronaut, Dwight,
When asked 'bout his upcoming flight,
Did he have worry one
'Bout landing on the sun?
”Heck no, we're landing at night!”
Contributed by
Jan M.


Amidst the confusion of a crowd,
Dirty Joe fondled young Miss Dowd.
She was shocked and afrighted,
And yet so excited,
That she moaned for help ... but not too loud!
Contributed by
Shoeless Geo


The limerick is furtive and mean.
You must keep her in close quarantine.
Or she sneaks to the slums
And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk and obscene!
Contributed by
Jim R.


By the time this poem is read,
I will have lain down to bed.
I'll whip out my dick,
And jerk off quick...
My sex life is all in my head.
Contributed by
Ian F.


A randy young fellow named Payne
Wooed a lovely girl, but in vain,
For she swore when he kissed her,
So he slept with her sister
Again and again and again.
Contributed by
Jan M.

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