Limericks o' the Day
- Well screwed was a boy named Delpasse
- By all of the lads in his class.
- But he said with a yawn,
- "Now the novelty's gone,
- And it's only a pain in my ass"
- A young bodybuilder named Rex
- Bought two bras to support his huge pecs.
- Wore the 48B
- When he let them hang free,
- And a black one with D-cups to flex.
- Here I lie just me and my "comics"
- Having finished one of many gin and tonics.
- Alone once agin,
- And randy as sin
- Thank God for plastics and electronics!
- A mannerly fellow named Phyfe
- Was greatly distressed by his wife,
- For whene'er she was able
- She'd shit on the table,
- And gobble the shit---with her knife!
- A well endowed fellow named Miller
- Who, while fucking his wife, might just kill her.
- She'd make him hold back
- From a full dick attack,
- But from three feet away, he'd still fill her.
- There was a young lady, and what do you think?
- She said, "I care nought for a prick that don't stink,
- And I think that a fuck
- Ain't so good as a suck
- When you've pulled back the foreskin and uncovered the pink."
- A licentious old justice of Salem
- Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em.
- But instead of a fine
- He would stand them in line,
- With his common-law tool to impale 'em.
- There was an old girl of Silesia
- Who said, "As my cunt doesn't please ya,
- You might as well come
- Up my slimy old bum,
- But be careful my tapeworm don't seize ya."
- There was a young lady named Perkin
- Who swallowed an extra-large gherkin.
- Now she doesn't spend much
- On kotex and such,
- On account of her drain isn't workin'.
- The eminent Mrs. DeVue
- Was born in a cage at the zoo,
- And the curious rape
- Which made her an ape
- Is highly fantastic, if true.
- There once was a sprightly old leprechaun
- Who thought his cock's get up had gone.
- Until he met big young Jack
- Who gave him his go back,
- In the back of the bar, by the john.
- An oversexed woman named Jade
- Spread her legs to insert a grenade.
- In an endless orgasm,
- Her cunt was in spasm,
- When found the next day in Belgrade.
- As a beauty, I'm not a great star.
- There are others much fairer, by far.
- But my face, I don't mind it,
- Because I'm behind it:
- It's the folks in the front that I jar.
- T'was a girl named Laura McTore,
- Who was world renowned as a whore.
- Her breasts were runts,
- But she had fifteen cunts,
- She could service a whole team and more.
- There was a young girl of Ostend
- Who her maidenhead tried to defend,
- But a Chasseur d' Afrique
- Inserted his prick
- And taught that ex-maid how to spend.
- There once was a fellow named Hatch
- Who preferred eating snatch with no thatch.
- So he shaved off her pubes
- Before licking her tubes,
- And when asked if the liked it said, "Natch!"
- There was a faith-healer of Deal
- Who said, "Although pain isn't real,
- When, frightened by chance,
- I unload in my pants,
- I dislike what I fancy I feel."
- A randy WAC sergeant named Flynn
- Shoved a hand grenade all the way in.
- Flaming bits of her cunt
- Killed two Krauts at the front,
- While her garter belt fell on Berlin.
- There was an old fellow of Brest
- Who sucked off his wife with a zest.
- Despite her great howls
- He sucked out her bowels,
- And spat them all over her chest.
- Said a girl to her friend from Milpitas,
- "There's a doctor in town who will treat us
- For feminine ills
- And hot and cold chills,
- Or even abort a young fetus."
- There once was an innocent miss
- Who feared she'd conceived from a kiss.
- So, as a precaution,
- She had an abortion,
- But naught was forthcoming but piss.
- That Harvard don down at El Djim---
- Oh, wasn't it nasty of him,
- With the whole hareem randy,
- The sheik himself handy,
- To muss up a young camel's quim?
- When Theocritus guarded his flock
- He piped in the shade of a rock.
- It is said that his Muse
- Was one of the ewes
- With a bum like a pink hollyhock.
- There were two little mice in Rangoon
- Who sought lunch in an old lady's womb.
- Cried one mouse, "By Jesus,
- I'll wager this cheese is
- As old as the cheese in the moon!"
- While pissing on deck, an old boatswain
- Fell asleep, and his pisser got frozen.
- It snapped at the shank,
- And it fell off and sank
- In the sea---'twas his own fault for dozin'.
- A young bio-chemist named Dan
- Always followed his nose to the can.
- He judged people best
- By the urinal test,
- As to race and to sex and to clan.
- There was a young man of Penzance
- Who rogered his three maiden aunts.
- Though them he defiled,
- He ne'er got them with child,
- Through using the letters of France.
- There was a young man, Mussolini,
- Who found he had seven bambini.
- He said, "If I thought
- That the griddle was hot,
- I'd never have put in the weenie!"
- There was an old person of Delhi
- Awoke with a pain in his belly,
- And to cure it, 'tis said,
- He shit in his bed,
- Now the sheets are uncommonly smelly.
- There was a young fellow from Yale
- Whose face was exceedingly pale.
- He spent his vacation
- In self-masturbation
- Because of the high price of tail.