Limericks o' the Day
- Said an old-fashioned god named Anubis,
- "I know about pubes and boobies,
- But I've no impression
- About the Eustachian,
- Or where the Fallopian tube is."
- There was an old hostler named Raines,
- Possessed of more ballocks than brains.
- He stood on a stool
- To bugger a mule,
- And got kicked in the balls for his pains.
- There was a young man of Natal
- And Sue was the name of his gal.
- One day, north of Auden,
- He got his hard rod in,
- And came clear up Suez Canal.
- A man of the bible once swore
- An alien had come to his door.
- He went to the sink
- Where he had a quick drink
- And then widdled all over the floor!
- A eunuch frequenting Bangkok
- Used to borrow the deified jock
- From a local rain-god
- When he went for a prod---
- You could hear the girl yell for a block.
- There was an old man of Goditch,
- Had the syph and the clap and the itch.
- His name was McNabs
- And he also had crabs,
- The dirty old son of a bitch.
- There was an old man of Connort
- Whose prick was remarkably short.
- When he got into bed
- The old woman said,
- "This isn't a prick, it's a wart."
- There was a young man of St. Paul
- Whose prick was exceedingly small.
- He could bugger a bug
- At the edge of a rug,
- And the bug hardly felt it at all.
- Three lustful young ladies of Simms
- Were blessed with such over-size quims,
- The bishop of the diocese
- Got elephantiasis,
- For his life wasn't all singing hymns.
- An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
- Once said, "There's one thing I do know:
- A woman is fine,
- And a sheep is divine,
- But a llama is numero uno!"
- There was a young lady named Schneider
- Who often kept trysts with a spider.
- She found a strange bliss
- In the hiss of her piss,
- As it strained through the cobwebs inside her.
- There was a young man of Cape Cod
- Who once put my wife into pod.
- His name it was Tucker
- The dirty old fucker,
- The bugger, the blighter, the sod!
- Have you heard of the lady named Cox
- Who had a capacious old box?
- When her lover was in place
- She said, "Please turn your face.
- I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox."
- There were two young men of Cawnpore
- Who buggered and fucked the same whore
- But the partition split
- And the gism and shit
- Tolled out in great lunps on the floor.
- There was a young fellow from Boston
- Who rode around in an Austin.
- There was room for his ass
- And a gallon of gas,
- But his balls hung outside, and he lost 'em
- There was a young girl in a cast
- Who had an unsavory past,
- For the neighborhood pastor
- Tried fucking through plaster,
- And his very first fuck was his last.
- There was a young man from the War Office
- Who got into bed with a whore of his.
- She took off her drawers
- With many a pause,
- But the chap from the War Office tore off his.
- Another young man, from Beirut
- Played a penis as one might a flute,
- Till he met a sad eunuch
- Who lifted his tunic
- And said, "Sir, my instrument's mute."
- There was a young lady of Asia
- Who had an odd kind of aphasia.
- She'd forget that her cunt
- Was located in front,
- Which deprived her of most of the pleasure.
- There was a young man of Glengarridge,
- The fruit of a scrofulous marriage.
- He sucked off his brother,
- And buggered his mother,
- And ate up his sister's miscarriage.
- There was a young lady named Mable
- Who would fuck on a bed or a table.
- Though a two-dollar screw
- Was the best she could do,
- Her ass bore a ten-dollar label.
- There once was a harlot at Yale
- With her price-list tatooed on her tail,
- And on her behind,
- For the sake of the blind,
- She had it embroidered in Braille.
- There once was a versatile whore,
- As expert behind as before.
- For a quid you could view her,
- And bugger and screw her,
- As she stood on her head on the floor.
- Though the girl had a number of zits,
- I overlooked 'em because of her tits.
- But her beauty was outer
- And she made me a doubter
- When my cock up inside 'er had fits.
- There was a young lady from Ipswich
- Who had syphilis, pox, and the itch.
- In her box she put pepper
- And slept with a leper,
- And ruined that son of a bitch.
- There once was a lady of Crete
- So enormously broad in the beam
- That one day in the ocean
- She caused such commotion
- That Admiral Byrd claimed her for America.
- There was an old man of Santander
- Who attempted to bugger a gander.
- But that virtuous bird
- Plugged its ass with a turd,
- And refused to such low tastes to pander.
- There was a young man from Toulouse
- Who thought he would diddle a goose.
- He hunted and bunted
- To get the thing cunted,
- But decided it wasn't no use.
- There was a young lady named Sheba,
- Fell in love with an eager amoeba.
- This queer bit of jelly
- Crept into her belly,
- And ecstatically murmured, "Ich liebe!"
- There was a young man in Peru
- Who had nothing whatever to do.
- So he flew to the garret
- And buggered the parrot.
- And sent the result to the zoo.