Limericks o' the Day
- There was a young lady of Maine
- Who declared she'd a man on the brain.
- But you knew from the view
- Of the way her waist grew,
- It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
- There was a young fellow named Bob
- Who explained to his friends with a sob,
- "The size of my phallus
- Was just right for Alice
- Till the night that she bit off the knob."
Part 1 of 2:
- There was a young man with a prick
- Which into his wife he would stick
- Every morning and night
- If it stood up all right---
- Not a very remarkable trick.
Part 2 of 2:
- His wife had a nice little cunt:
- It was hairy, and soft, and in front,
- And with this she would fuck him,
- Though sometimes she'd suck him---
- A charming, if commonplace, stunt.
- One fine day a man of good cheer
- Asked Descartes if he'd like a beer.
- What the man got
- Was "I think not";
- And he watched Descartes disappear.
- There was an old whore of Warsaw
- Who fucked all her customers raw.
- She would thump with her rump,
- And punt with her cunt,
- And lick every prick that she saw.
- A bibulous bishop would preach
- After sunning his balls on the beach.
- But his love life was ended
- By a paunch so distended
- It annulled, ipso facto, his reach.
- A cartographer, Harrison by name,
- By projection of balls gained his fame.
- The walls of his halls
- Were hung not with balls,
- But peculiar distortions of same.
- There once was a young man named Jim
- Whose everyday breakfast was quim.
- He eschewed meat and grain
- And even fish for the brain,
- He was stupid, but happy and slim.
- An epicure, dining at Crew
- Found quite a large mouse in his stew.
- Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
- And wave it about,
- Or the others will be wanting one too!"
- There was a young lady of Erskine,
- And the chief of her charms was her fair skin,
- But the sable she wore
- (She had several more)
- She had earned while wearing her bare skin.
- There was an old girl of Nantucket
- Who went down to hell in a bucket,
- And the last words she spoke
- Before the rope broke,
- Were: "Ass-hole, you bugger, and suck it!"
- A girl of uncertain nativity
- Had an ass of extreme sensitivity.
- When she sat on the lap
- Of a German or Jap,
- She could sense Fifth Column activity.
- There once was a knowledgeful whore
- Who knew all the coital lore.
- But she found there were many
- Who preferred her fat fanny,
- And now she don't fuck anymore.
- There was a young virgin named Violet
- Whose hope was to remain inviolate.
- But she let a man neck her
- And soon his hard pecker
- Had wedged itself firmly in Violet.
- A hermit who lived on St. Roque
- Had a lily perfected to poke.
- He diddled the donkeys
- And meddled with monkeys,
- And would have done worse, but it broke.
- There were three young ladies of Fetters,
- Annoyed all their elders and betters
- By stuffing their cock-holders
- With proxies for stockholders,
- Old bills, and anonymous letters.
- Said a pretty young whore of Hong Kong
- To a long-pronged patron named Wong,
- "They say my vagina's
- The nicest in China---
- Dont' ruin it my donging it wrong."
- There was a young whore from Madrid
- Who anyone could fuck for a quid.
- But a bastard Italian
- With balls like a stallion
- Said he'd do it for nothing---and did.
- A passion-swept dame called Dolores
- Is the hottest of history's whores.
- Thought we fuck her with zest,
- When we crawl home to rest,
- Guess who's there waiting for us---
- Dolores, of cour-es!
- There was a young fellow of Rhodes
- Whose testicles turned into toads.
- He, horrified, wept,
- As they struggled and leapt:
- "Give me back my quiescent old nodes!"
- There was a young maiden from Osset
- Whose quim was nine inches across it.
- Said a young man named Tong,
- With tool nine inches long,
- "I'll put bugger-in if I loss it."
- There was an old man of Tagore
- Who tried out his cook as a whore.
- He used Bridget's twidget
- To fidget his digit,
- And now she won't cook any more.
- There was a hot girl from the Saar
- Who fucked all, both from near and from far.
- When asked to explain,
- She replied with disdain,
- "I'm trying to buy me a car."
- There was an old party of Fife
- Who suspected a clap in his wife.
- So he boughy an injection
- To cure the infection,
- which gave him a stricture for life.
- Said an elderly whore named Arlene,
- "I prefer a young lad of eighteen.
- There's more cream in his larder,
- And his pecker gets harder,
- And he fucks in a manner obscene."
- Said a madam named Mamie La Farge
- To a sailor just off of a barge,
- "We have one girl that's dead,
- With a hole in her head---
- Of course there's a slight extra charge."
- Two young girls who lived in Ft. Tunney
- Decided to shop their dofunny.
- "We had papa tutor us
- To cash in on our uterus;
- We park transients now, in each cunny!"
- There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock
- Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock,
- But her cunt's got a pucker
- That's best not to fuck, or
- When least you expect it to, it'll lock.
- The limerick form is complex
- Its contents run chiefly to sex.
- It burgeons with virgeons
- And masculine urgeons,
- And swarms with erotic effex.
- In the speech of his time, did the Bard
- Refer to his prick as his "yard",
- But sigh no more, madams:
- 'Twas no longer than Adam's
- Or mine, and not one half so hard.