Limericks o' the Day
- There was a young pair from Uganda
- Who were having a fuck on a veranda.
- The drip from their fucks
- Fed forty-two ducks,
- Three geese, and a fucking big gander.
- There was a young man from Oswego
- Who fell in love with a Dago.
- He dreamt that his Venus
- Was jerking his penis,
- And woke up all covered with sago.
- There once was a baker of Nottingham
- Who in making eclairs would put snot in 'em.
- When he ran out of snot,
- He would, like as not,
- Take his pecker and jack off a shot in 'em.
- There once was a lady from Cadger
- Who, as the result of a wager,
- Consented to fart
- The whole oboe part
- Of Mozart's quartet in F-Major.
- In the city of York there's a lass
- Who will hitch up her dress when you pass.
- If you toss her two bits
- She will strip to the tits,
- And let you explore her bare ass.
- There was an old lady of Cheadle
- Who sat down in church on a needle.
- The needle, though blunt,
- Penetrated her cunt,
- But was pronptly removed by the beadle.
- There was a young girl from the Creek
- Who had her periods twice every week.
- "How very provoking,"
- Said the Vicar from Woking,
- "There's no time for poking, so to speak."
- A miner who bored in Brazil
- Found some very strange rust on his drill.
- He thought it a joke
- Till the bloody thing broke---
- Now his tailings are practically nil.
- Two pretty young twins named Mahony
- Once tickled a horse's baloney.
- With a spurt and a splash
- They fell with a crash,
- And no one knew which had the Toni.
- There was a young pansy named Birch
- Who developed a taste for the church,
- And monks, priests, and preachers,
- And such mouthy creatures,
- Were the uplifted ends of his search.
- A convict once, out in Australia,
- Said unto his turnkey, "I'll tail yer."
- But he said, "You be buggered,
- You filthy old sluggard,
- You're forgetting as I am your jailer."
- There once was a man named Brewster,
- Who said to his wife as he goosed her,
- "That used to be grand,
- But look at my hand,
- Your not wiping as good as you used to."
- There was an old person of Sark
- Who buggered a pig in the dark.
- The swine, in surprise,
- Murmured, "God blast your eyes,
- Do you take me for Boulton or Park?"
- A Bavarian dame namd Brunhilder
- Went to bed with a jerry-built builder.
- The end of his john
- Was so badly put on
- That it snapped in her bladder and killed her.
- There was a young man of St. John's
- Who wanted to bugger the swans.
- But the loyal hall-porter
- Said, "Pray, take my daughter!
- Them birds are reserved for the dons."
- There was an old man of Molucca
- Who wanted his daughter, to fuck her.
- But she got the best
- Of his little incest,
- And poxed the old man of Molucca.
- There once was a priest of Gibraltar
- Who wrote dirty jokes in his psalter.
- An inhibited nun
- Who had read every one
- Made a vow to be laid on his altar.
- There once was a man from Nantucket
- Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
- He said, "Though quite crass,"
- As he lubed up his ass,
- "I found a nice place I can tuck it."
- A complacent old don of Divinity
- Made boast of his daughter's virginity.
- They must have been dawdlin'
- Down at old Magdalen---
- It couldn't have happened at Trinity.
- A husband who craved to be sterile
- Because of the pregnancy peril
- Said, "I've thought of vasectomy,
- But my wife then might hector me,
- And threaten divorce when we quarrel."
- There was a young lady named Nance
- Whose lover had St. Vitus dance.
- When she dove for his prick,
- He wriggled so quick,
- She bit a piece out of his pants.
- A homely old spinster of France,
- Who all the men looked at askance,
- Threw her skirt overhead
- And then jumped into bed,
- Saying, "Now I've at least half a chance."
- There was an old fellow of Pittwood
- Who never was able to shit good.
- He'd leave small deposits
- On shelves and in closets,
- As a very small pup or a kit would.
- The Marquesa de Excusador
- Used to pee on the drawing-room floor,
- For the can was too cold
- And when one grows old
- To be much alone is a bore.
- There was a young girl from St. Cyr
- Whose reflex reactions were queer.
- Her escort said, "Mable,
- Get up off the table;
- The money's to pay for the beer."
- No one can tell about Myrtle
- Whether she's sterile or fertile.
- If anyone tries
- To tickle her thighs
- She closes them tight like a turtle.
- There was an old spinster named Gretel
- Who wore underclothes made of metal.
- When they said, "Does it hurt?"
- She said, "It keeps dirt
- From stamen and pistil and petal."
- There were three young ladies of Grimsby
- Who said, "Of what use can our quims be?
- The hole in the middle
- Is so we can piddle,
- But for what can the hole in the rims be?"
- There was a young girl named McKnight
- Who got drunk with her boyfriend one night.
- She came to in bed
- With a split maidenhead---
- That's the last time she ever was tight.
- The Bishop of Ibu Plantation
- Wrote a thesis on Transfiguration
- For the Christian Review
- (As good Bishops do)
- Whilst practicing miscegenation.