Limericks o' the Day
- A girl of as graceful a mien
- As ever in London was seen,
- Stepped into a pub,
- Hit her man with a club,
- And razored to shreds his machine.
- There was a young lady of Gloucester,
- Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
- She wasn't much hurt,
- But he dirtied her skirt,
- So think of the anguish it cost her.
- There once was a young English miner
- Who prospected a bit in North China.
- He described a crevasse in an igneous mass
- That ran horizontal and sparkled like glass,
- As a petrified Chinese vagina.
- There was a young maid of Boston, Mass.
- Who stood in the water up to her knees.
- (If it doesn't rhyme now,
- It will when the tide comes in.)
- A modern monk nicknamed Augustin,
- His penis a boy's bottom thrust in.
- Then said Father Ignatius,
- "Now really! Good gracious!
- Your conduct is really disgustin'."
- There was a young lady from Thrace
- Whose corsets got too tight to lace.
- Her mother said, "Nelly,
- There's things in your belly
- That never got in through your face."
- Said old Mr. Wellington Koo,
- "Now what in the Hell shall I do?
- My wife is too hot,
- I can't fill up her slot---"
- So he screwed her to bits trying to.
- There was an old man from Keith
- Who never could get any pieth
- By asking young men
- If they hadn't the yen
- To get sucked off by one without teeth.
- A fine Southern lady named Hentz
- Preferred colored boys when she'd yentz.
- She explained, "When they're black
- They've a spring in their back,
- And their tolls are most always immense."
- There was a young girl from Vistula
- To whom a friend said, "Jeff has kissed you, la!"
- Said she, "Yes, by God!
- But my arse he can't sod,
- Because I am troubled with fistula."
- There once was a man from Taipei
- Whose wife was always away.
- Those times she was home,
- He gave her the bone,
- And she'd smile as she went away
- There once was a writer named Mark
- Who encountered a cunt in the dark.
- He said, "Now, by thunder,
- It's a Natural Wonder---
- I declare this a National Park!"
- There was a young man from Winsocket
- Who put a girl's hand in his pocket.
- Her delicate touch
- Thrilled his pecker so much
- It shot off in the air like a rocket.
- A young woman got married at Chester,
- Her mother she kissed and she blessed her.
- Says she, "You're in luck.
- He's a stunning good fuck,
- For I've had him myself down in Leicester."
- There was a young man named Treet
- Who minced as he walked down the street.
- He wore shoes of bright red,
- And playfully said,
- "I may not be strong, but I'm sweet."
- There once was a kiddie named Carr
- Caught a man on top of his mar.
- As he saw him stick 'er,
- He said with a snicker,
- "You do it much faster than par."
- A careless old hooker in Frisco
- Got turpentine mixed in her pisco,
- And scalded with steam
- A muff-diver's dream
- Because he refused to let puss go.
- Said the horrible whore of Lahore
- While ape-fucking against a door,
- "This orang-utang
- Is better than bhang---
- The penis of man is quite a bore."
- A guy with a build that was stallionate
- Found it harder than Hades to copulate.
- When sexually charged,
- His appendage enlarged
- To the girth of the girl he took out to date.
- King Henry had already shown
- What Clinton now wished he had known.
- A guillotine is better
- For a stain on a sweater
- When the truth must never be known.
- There was once a young man from Snodgrass
- Who had dingleberries hanging from his ass.
- He threw them at people
- And shoted from the steeple,
- "I fuck you all up the ass!"
- A neurotic young man from Tulane
- Caused his mother considerable pain.
- He poured nitroglycerin
- Where his dad put his pisser in,
- And then threw her under a train.
- There was a young man from Ti'Juana
- Who declared as he wallowed in guano,
- "It may seem inbecilic
- To be so coprophilic---
- I indulge in it just 'cause I wanna."
- That Rhode Island Red is a clucker.
- For a handful of corn, she will pucker.
- But the rooster is queer,
- So it does not appear
- There's a chance he is going to fuck 'er.
- An old man at the Folies Bergère
- Had a jock, a most wondrous affair:
- It snipped off a twat curl
- From each new chorus girl,
- And he had a wig made of the hair.
- A swami once took Spanish fly
- And ran clean amok to Delhi,
- Where he jumped in the Ganges
- And used his phalanges
- To comfort the cunts swimming by.
- The chief charm of a whore in Shalott
- Was the absence of hair on her twat.
- She kept it smooth-looking
- Not by shaving or plucking,
- But by all of the fucking she got.
- There was a young man from St. Paul's
- Who read Harper's Bazaar and McCall's
- Till he grew such a passion
- For feminine fashion
- That he knitted a snood for his balls.
- There was a young lady named Bigger
- Who said as she squeezed on the trigger,
- "You son of a bitch
- My cunt has the itch,
- And in morte you may attain rigor."
- There was a young man with a hernia
- Who said to his surgeon, "Gol-dernya,
- When carving my middle
- Be sure you don't fiddle
- With matters that do not concernya."
- A fisherman off of Cape Cod
- Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!"
- But the high-minded fish
- Resented his wish,
- And nimbly swam off with his rod.