Limericks o' the Day
- A hungry old trollop from Yemen
- Did a pretty good business with he-men.
- But she gave up all fucking
- In favor of sucking,
- For the protein contained in the semen.
- A bored man in fair St. Domingo
- Being blasé and worn, said, "By Jingo,
- Blast all women and boys,
- I'll try some new joys."
- So he went out and fucked a Flamingo.
- A prisoner in Chateau d'If
- Ran around on all fours for a sniff
- Of his comrade's posterior,
- And said, "It's inferior,
- But it somehow reminds me of quiff."
- Said the gay Chatelaine of Shalott,
- "I wish I had teeth in my twat.
- For just think," said she,
- "How nice it would be
- To keep all the pricks that I got."
- A notorious harlot named Hearst,
- In the pleasures of men was well-versed.
- Reads a sign o'er the head
- Of her well-rumpled bed:
- "THE CUSTOMER ALWAYS COMES FIRST."
- There was a cute quirp from Calcutta
- Who was fond of churning love-butta,
- One night she was heard mutta
- That her quim was a-flutta
- For the thing she called "Utterly-Utta!"
- There were three young girls in St. Thomas,
- Arrived at a dance in pajamas.
- They got screwed by the drummer,
- And this went on all summer---
- I'm surprised that by now they ain't mamas.
- There was a young fellow named Prynne
- Whose prick was so short and so thin,
- His wife found she needed
- A Fuckoscope---she did---
- To see if he'd gotten it in.
- There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,
- Discovered his sex life was hapless:
- The more he would screw
- The more he'd want to,
- And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.
- "Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay.
- "Come on, take it out, and let's play."
- He pulled it on out,
- But she started to pout,
- His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout.
- A practicing young gynecologist
- Was a cunningly shrewd ideologist.
- Thought he "Anesthesia
- Will bring on amnesia
- And the patient will never recall a tryst!"
- A randy young lad, name of Kelly
- Once buggered a girl from New Delhi.
- She had something furry,
- That tasted like curry,
- But it's neighbor was awfully smelly.
- A girl of refined femininity
- Decided to lose her virginity.
- Her man said, "My dear,
- Now don't shed a tear,
- It's the wrong hole, but in the vicinity."
- A dignified fellow named Cliff
- Got into a terrible tiff
- With his eager young wife
- On their newlywed night
- When only his manner proved stiff.
Mrs. R. Westbrook
- The Archbishop of Tipperary
- Was frigging his young secretary.
- To keep from succumbing
- To premature coming
- He repeatedly prayed the "Hail Mary".
- She was a young virginal bride
- Until the groom slipped it inside.
- He quickly pulled out
- And said "Honey, look out!....
- Well, I'm done, are you satisfied?"
Part 1 of 2:
- I wonder what my wife will want tonight;
- Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?
- I wonder can she tell
- That I've been raising hell;
- Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight?
Part 2 of 2:
- My wife is just as nice as nice can be,
- I hope she doesnt' feel too nice toward me,
- For an afternoon of joy
- Is hell on the old boy.
- I wonder what the wife will want tonight!
- Said a prominent lecherous Nazi,
- "Our program may sound hotsy-totsy,
- But a girl, when you diddle her,
- Spreads her thighs with Heil Hitler!
- And it all seems a little ersatzy."
- There once was a wonderful wizard
- Who had a fierce pain in his gizzard.
- So he drank wind and snow
- At forty below
- And farted a forty mile blizzard.
- In the case of a lady named Frost,
- Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost,
- It's the best part of valor
- To bugger the gal, or
- You're apt to fall in and get lost.
- There was a young lady from St. Paul
- Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
- But when it caught fire,
- It burned her entire
- Front page, sporting section, and all.
- There was a gay Countess of Bray,
- And you may think it odd when I say,
- That in spite of high station,
- Rank and education,
- She always spelt cunt with a K.
- There once was a fairy named Cyril
- Who was had in a wood by a squirrel,
- And he liked it so good
- That he stayed in the wood
- Just as long as the squirrel was virile.
- There was a young man from Seattle
- Whose testicles tended to rattle.
- He said as he fuckéd
- Some stones in a bucket,
- "If Stravinsky won't deafen you---that'll."
- There once was a Spanish nobilio
- Who lived in a spanish castilio,
- His cojones grew hot
- Much more often than not,
- At the thought of a Spanish Jazzilio.
- There was a young lady of Glasgow,
- And fondly her lover did ask, "Oh,
- Pray allow me a fuck,"
- But she said, "No, my duck,
- But you may, if you please, up my arse go."
- There once was an Anglican pastor
- Whose maid didn't let much get past her.
- She said, "When you muff-dive on
- The living room divan,
- Please use an anti-macassar."
- A frugal young fellow named Wise
- Gets the most from the dead whores he buys.
- After sporting a while
- As a gay necrophile,
- For dessert he has maggot surprise.
- Down in Rome, Washburn Child,
- A lecherous fellow and wild---
- Like his buddy, King Vic,
- He likes thrusting his prick
- Into twats hitherto undefiled.
- Lord Randall, on top of his tart,
- Let a horrible, fizzling fart.
- Said the tart, "Now, m'lord,
- I'm taking your word
- You did not follow through on the spot."