Limericks o' the Day
- There was an old man of Shamokin,
- Fucked his wife with his wooden leg oaken.
- So quick did he stick her,
- Pretending to prick her,
- That he soon had her cunt all a-smokin'.
- There once was a Bishop from Puno,
- Who said, "There is one thing I do know,
- Little girls are all right,
- Little boys are too tight,
- But the Llama is Numero Uno!".
- A lecherous priest from Peru
- Fucked the deacon's wife in a pew.
- "I'll admit I'm not pious,"
- He said, "I've a bias---
- I think it diviner to screw."
- There was a young fellow named Bill
- Who took an atomic pill.
- His navel corroded,
- His asshole exploded,
- And they found his nuts in Brazil.
- A maiden who dwells in Galena
- Has boobies of graceful demeanor,
- And whenever she preens
- These astounding poitrines,
- She insists upon Simoniz Kleener.
- Of his face, she thought not very much,
- But then, at the very first touch,
- Her attitude shifted---
- He was terribly gifted
- At frigging and fucking and such.
- I got this from the fellow what own it:
- He declared that he boasted one mo' nut
- Than most people sport,
- But was terribly short
- In the part you might stick through a doughnut.
- Cleopatra, while helping to pump,
- Ground out such a furious bump
- That Antony's dick
- Snapped off like a stick,
- And left him to pump with a stump.
- There was a young lady named Alice
- Whose ass was as big as a palace.
- Her dresses were tight
- And she made quite a sight
- To quicken the pulse of the callous.
- A canny Scotch lass named McFargle,
- Without coaxing and such argy-bargle,
- Would suck a man's pud
- Just as hard as she could,
- And she saved up the sperm for a gargle.
- Said a printer pretending to wit:
- "There are certain bad words we omit.
- It would sully our art
- To print the word f - - -,
- And we never, oh never, say sh - -!"
- A beautiful belle of Del Norte
- Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty
- Because during the day
- She says: "Boys, keep away!"
- But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
- On a bridge sat the Bishop of Buckingham
- Thinking of twats and of sucking 'em,
- And watching the stunts
- Of the cunts in the punts,
- And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking 'em.
- There was a young man in Schenectady,
- And he found it quite hard to erect, said he,
- Till he took an injection
- For deficient erection,
- Which in just the desired way effected he!
- Said a snuff-taking Turk, "Why, with ease
- I can stifle the noisiest sneeze."
- But at prayers one day
- His asshole gave way,
- And the shit filled his drawers to the knees.
- There once was a girl from South Philly
- Who quit Greenpeace cause she thought it was silly.
- I said, " Don't worry, Gail,
- If you still want to pet a whale,
- Just undo my zipper and free willy!"
- Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle
- Who said with a wink and a smile,
- "Sure, please stick it in,
- Be it thick, be it thin,
- But if's rough I won't do as a file."
- There was a young lady of Maience
- Who bade Adolf Hitler defiance.
- She'd lurk in dark halls
- And nip at his balls
- With a patent-applied-for appliance.
- There was a young lady of Wohl's Hill
- Who sat herself down on a mole's hill.
- The resident mole
- Stuck his head up her hole---
- The lady's all right, but the mole's ill.
- There was a young pansy named Gene
- Who cruised a sadistic Marine.
- Said the man with a smirk
- As they got down to work,
- "In this game the Jack beats the Queen."
- "I'll admit," said a lady named Starr,
- "That a phallus is like a cigar;
- But to most common people
- A phallic church-steeple
- Is streching the matter too far."
- There once was a Duchess of Bruges
- Whose cunt was incredibly huge.
- Said the King to this dame
- As he thunderously came:
- "Mon Dieu! Aprés moi, le déluge!"
- There was a young lady named Hicks
- Spent all her time thinking of pricks,
- And it was her odd whim
- To tickle her quim
- Till it foamed like a bottle of Dicks.
- There is a young girl from Poughkeepsie,
- Known through the town as a gypsy.
- If she has not a drink,
- She gives ne'er a wink,
- But, man, she puts out when she's tipsy!
- There was a young bride of Antigua
- Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!"
- Said the girl, "What damn'd rot!
- Why, you've often felt my twot,
- My legs and my arse and my figua!"
- There was a young girl called Felicity,
- With a cunt of a great elasticity.
- Her capable quim
- Could take both thick and thin
- A marvellous feat of duplicity.
- There was a young girl of Cah'lina,
- Had a very capricious vagina:
- To the shock of the fucker
- 'Twould suddenly pucker,
- And whistle the chorus of "Dinah."
- There was a young man of Oswego,
- Whose friends said, "Be off now, to sea go."
- He there learned the trick
- Of skinning his prick,
- And up arses thrusting his pego.
- There was an old lady of Kewry
- Whose cunt was a lusus natura:
- The introitus vagina
- Was unnaturally tiny,
- And the thought of it filled her with fury.
Part 1 of 2:
- Said a doleful young man with a stutter,
- "M-my wife don't allow me to butt her.
- It's-ts-ts-'tsall right,
- B-b-but, but some night
- I'll t-tie down the bitch, and g-gut her!"
Part 2 of 2:
- A less violent chap with a stammer
- Said, "M-mine too---she won't let me ram her.
- What's s-soured me on life
- Is not f-fucking my wife,