Limericks o' the Day
- A coprophagous fellow named Fleam
- Loved to drink a strong urinal stream.
- He seduced little gonsils
- Into spraying his tonsils
- With the stuff he liked best on earth: cream.
- There was a young man from the coast
- Who ate melted shit on his toast.
- When the toast saw the shit
- It collapsed in a fit,
- For the shit was its grandfather's ghost.
- A noble young lord named Bellasis
- Was a sad case of satyriasis,
- Till help psychiatric
- Brought the fucking fanatic
- To a state of sexual stasis.
- Have you heard about Magda Lupescu,
- Who came to Rumania's rescue?
- It's a wonderful thing
- To be under a king---
- Is deomcacy better, I esk you?
- A harlot of note named Le Dux
- Would always charge seventy bucks.
- But for that she would suck you,
- And wink-off and fuck you---
- The whole thing was simply deluxe!
- There was a young man from Havana
- Who continually played the "piana."
- 'Til one day his finger slipped,
- And his fly it ripped,
- And out slipped a hairy banana.
- There was a young man from Calcutta
- Who was heard in his beard to mutter,
- "If her Bartholin glands
- Don't respond to my hands,
- I'm afraid I shall have to use butter."
- There was a young tinker of Turkey
- Whose rhythm at diddling was jerky.
- At six-eight and four-four
- He was good, and no more,
- But he really was great at mazurky.
- There was an old phoney named Kinsey
- Whose ideas of fucking were flimsy.
- He knew how to measure
- A penis for pleasure,
- But he came much too quick in a quim, see?
- A native of Havre de Grace
- Once tired of Cunt, said, "I'll try arse."
- He unfolded his plan
- To another young man,
- Who said, "Most decidedly, my arse!":
- A fetishist whore from Deluth
- Who rode upon noses (uncouth!),
- Met up with a bloke, ya know,
- Whose name was Pinnochio,
- But she hates it when he tells the truth.
- There was a young girl from Edina,
- Shoved avians up her vagina.
- As much as she pleased,
- 'Til one day, she sneezed---
- Out popped three toucans and a minah!
- There was an old fellow named Skinner
- Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner.
- But still, by and large,
- It would always discharge
- Once he could just get it in her.
- Ms. Noonan, of the Isle of White,
- Her son, Mornin, clever and bright,
- For his manner, pristine,
- He was dubbed by the queen.
- Now he's Mornin Noonan Knight
Contributed by Patrick M.
- A reckless young lady of France
- Had no qualms about taking a chance,
- But she thought it was crude
- To get screwed in the nude,
- So she always went home with damp pants.
- There was an old man of Boolongg
- Who frightened the birds with his song.
- It wasn't the words
- That frightened the birds
- But the horrible dooble ong-tong.
- The bride went up the aisle
- In traditional virginal style,
- But they say she was nary
- An innocent cherry,
- But a whore from the banks of the Nile.
- There was a young lady from Kincaid
- Who covered it up with a band-aid.
- The boyfriend said, "Shit,
- I can't find the slit!"
- And helped himself out with a hand-aid.
- From the depths of the crypt of St Giles
- Came a scream that echoed for miles.
- Said the Vicar, "Good Gracious,
- Has father Ignacious
- Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"
- There was a young lady named Hatch
- Who doted on music by Bach.
- She played with her pussy
- To "The Faun" by Debussy,
- But to ragtime she just scratched her snatch.
- A priest from the Isle of Choiseul
- Was inordinately proud of his tool,
- So this clerical stallion
- Bred a labor battalion
- To build him a chapel and schule.
- There was a young man from East Wubley
- Whose cock was bifurcated doubly.
- Each quadruplicate shaft
- Had two balls hanging aft,
- And the general effect was quite lovely.
- There was a young idler named Blood,
- Made a fortune performing at stud,
- With a fifteen-inch peter,
- A double-beat meter,
- And a load like the Biblical Flood.
- A certain old harpy from Umsk
- Who was wholly unable to cumsk
- Would ecstatically shout
- When a samovar's spout
- Was shoved up her Muscovite rumpsk.
- "There once was a man from Turkey
- Who acted and spoke quite quirky.
- He'd drink Absolut
- And spread out his loot
- 'Cause he loved girls young and perky!"
- There once was a gangster named Brown,
- The wiliest bastard in town.
- He was caught by the G-men
- Shooting his semen
- Where the cops would all slip and fall down.
- There's a sensitive man in Tom's River
- Whom Minsky's causes to quiver.
- The aesthetic vibration
- Brings soulful elation,
- And also in good for the liver.
- While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
- Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
- She explained, "They are flat,
- But think nothing of that---
- You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."