December 1999

Limericks o' the Day


A hypocritical bastard named Legman
When drinking piss-highballs puts egg in 'em.
If he tells you you're queer
To enjoy pissless beer,
Just say to him, "Quit pulling my leg, man!"


There was girl named Alice
Whose boyfriend had a big phallus.
Once it was in,
It crumpled like tin,
And now he's suing for malice.
Contributed by
Larry P.


There was a young girl named Maria
Who had very bad diarrhea.
By the butt she got laid,
And the guy really paid,
'Cause she also had gonorrhea.
Contributed by
Larry P.


Said a busy young whore known as Mable,
Who at fucking was willing and able,
"It's a pity to waste
All that juicy white paste,"
So she served it in bowls at the table.


There once was a U.S. marine
Whose manners were slightly obscene.
He loved to eat jizz,
Both others' and his,
When served in a hot soup tureen.


There was a young lady of Wantage
Of whom the Town Clerk took advantage.
Said the County Surveyor,
"Of course you must pay her;
You've altered the line of her frontage."


Viagra, to which I'm addicted,
Works better by far, than depicted.
It's gone from quite limp
To as big as a blimp-
Which is more than my previous dick did.
Contributed by
Barrie C.


A lazy young lady named May
Was a torrid but troublesome lay.
She was prone to conceive,
So made haste to achieve
A bed with a built-in bidet.


A keen-scented dean of Tacoma
Was awarded a special diploma
For his telling apart
Of a masculine fart
From a similar female aroma.


There was a young lady in Reno
Who lost all her dough playing keno.
But she lay on her back
And opened her crack,
And now she owns the casino.


There once was a boy named Caesar,
Who though he was quite the woman pleaser.
He thought he could fuck,
But his love-making sucked,
So he turned out to be just a teaser.
Contributed by


A hermaphrodite has all the fun!
He really is two -- though she's one!
Discontent on the shelf,
He need just fuck himself,
And, if pregnant, she knows who's the one!
Contributed by
Laurence U.


Did Oscar Wilde yield to ennui?
No! He thought up a new way to pee:
He'd suck on his lily
(Though some thought him silly)
And urinate on his right knee.
Contributed by
Laurence U.


"Draw one!" called the countergirl clearly.
And I did, though I should have said, "Nearly."
Yes, she filled me with lust
For the size of her bust
Was enormous -- I mean it sincerely.
Contributed by
Laurence U.


A smartass was one Philip Munn.
(He wasn't called "Cunning-ham" for fun.)
He took every occasion
For ejaculation
And in between loaded his gun.
Contributed by
Laurence U.


Buggered fifty times standing and kneeling,
The catamite cried, sobbing, appealing:
"I know fun is fun,
But -- not fifty-one!
And you did say, "Just once more, with feeling!"
Contributed by
Laurence U.


Don't censure the drunken old bum
That makes noises like beating a drum.
You'd sound funny, too,
If you'd had that much brew,
And an enema given with rum!
Contributed by
Laurence U.


Anne just couldn't get off her rocks.
She tried stuffing her thumb in her box;
She tried carrots, a marrow,
And a half-decayed sparrow --
Why, she even tried cream cheese and lox!
Contributed by
Laurence U.


The dame was a poor- round-heeled bimbo;
Now she stood there, her arms were akimbo:
Her coin in the slot
For the use of the pot
Made her wish that she'd practised the limbo.
Contributed by
Laurence U.


No robber, no baron was smugger
Than that German, the happy whore hugger.
His own major domo
(A sodomite homo)
Swore he'd bugger that old mugger Fugger.
Contributed by
Laurence U.


Don't pity the wife of Old Lot,
Who was frozen to salt on the spot;
'Cause she sure got a kick
When the the cows came to lick
At her highly salacious old twat.
Contributed by
Laurence U.


The doctors all said it was simple:
"It's not to worry! This pimple
Though festered and hairy
And looking so scary
Is only an inside-out dimple!"
Contributed by
Laurence U.


I once knew a girl name of Claire.
I swear she had boobs out to there.
The boys loved to tipple
At her larger left nipple
Where each each of them could have his share.
Contributed by
Laurence U.


Did you know there were two Sigmund Freuds?
One loved nymphomaniacal beuds.
But the other -- the prude --
Who wrote books that were lewd
Had his testicles insured by Lleuds.
Contributed by
Laurence U.


Now Sindbad came down with the pox,
Screwing birds he'd find down by the docks.
Yet he was heard to say
That he'd found a new way
When he had to, to get off his rocs.
Contributed by
Laurence U.


Anne-Marie was a pot-bellied slut.
No foundation could circle her gut.
If you think that is bad,
Know that she also had
A steatopygian butt.
Contributed by
Laurence U.


I once knew a girl who took teas
On the bank of the river called Tees
Without knickers. The breeze
That played over her knees
She regarded as only a tease.
Contributed by
Laurence U.


Though a self-confessed egalitarian,
She indulged rites that weren't riparian.
So one sunny day,
Nine months after a lay,
She succumbed to her second caesarean.
Contributed by
Laurence U.


A sweet callipygian lass
Used to drive the boys wild. It was crass
When they asked her, "How come?"
She replied, "With my bum:
It's not only mass, dears, it's class!"
Contributed by
Laurence U.


A singing instructor named Glass
Taught a student to sing through through his ass.
"You know it's a pity
That last ditty was shitty,
So I'm keeping you in after class."
Contributed by
Laurence U.


A crafty young bugger is Sam:
He claims that he don't give a damn.
But when all's said and done,
He always has fun
And then leaves, with polite "Thank you, ma'am."
Contributed by
Laurence U.

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