Limericks o' the Day
- A hypocritical bastard named Legman
- When drinking piss-highballs puts egg in 'em.
- If he tells you you're queer
- To enjoy pissless beer,
- Just say to him, "Quit pulling my leg, man!"
- There was girl named Alice
- Whose boyfriend had a big phallus.
- Once it was in,
- It crumpled like tin,
- And now he's suing for malice.
- There was a young girl named Maria
- Who had very bad diarrhea.
- By the butt she got laid,
- And the guy really paid,
- 'Cause she also had gonorrhea.
- Said a busy young whore known as Mable,
- Who at fucking was willing and able,
- "It's a pity to waste
- All that juicy white paste,"
- So she served it in bowls at the table.
- There once was a U.S. marine
- Whose manners were slightly obscene.
- He loved to eat jizz,
- Both others' and his,
- When served in a hot soup tureen.
- There was a young lady of Wantage
- Of whom the Town Clerk took advantage.
- Said the County Surveyor,
- "Of course you must pay her;
- You've altered the line of her frontage."
- Viagra, to which I'm addicted,
- Works better by far, than depicted.
- It's gone from quite limp
- To as big as a blimp-
- Which is more than my previous dick did.
- A lazy young lady named May
- Was a torrid but troublesome lay.
- She was prone to conceive,
- So made haste to achieve
- A bed with a built-in bidet.
- A keen-scented dean of Tacoma
- Was awarded a special diploma
- For his telling apart
- Of a masculine fart
- From a similar female aroma.
- There was a young lady in Reno
- Who lost all her dough playing keno.
- But she lay on her back
- And opened her crack,
- And now she owns the casino.
- There once was a boy named Caesar,
- Who though he was quite the woman pleaser.
- He thought he could fuck,
- But his love-making sucked,
- So he turned out to be just a teaser.
- A hermaphrodite has all the fun!
- He really is two -- though she's one!
- Discontent on the shelf,
- He need just fuck himself,
- And, if pregnant, she knows who's the one!
- Did Oscar Wilde yield to ennui?
- No! He thought up a new way to pee:
- He'd suck on his lily
- (Though some thought him silly)
- And urinate on his right knee.
- "Draw one!" called the countergirl clearly.
- And I did, though I should have said, "Nearly."
- Yes, she filled me with lust
- For the size of her bust
- Was enormous -- I mean it sincerely.
- A smartass was one Philip Munn.
- (He wasn't called "Cunning-ham" for fun.)
- He took every occasion
- For ejaculation
- And in between loaded his gun.
- Buggered fifty times standing and kneeling,
- The catamite cried, sobbing, appealing:
- "I know fun is fun,
- But -- not fifty-one!
- And you did say, "Just once more, with feeling!"
- Don't censure the drunken old bum
- That makes noises like beating a drum.
- You'd sound funny, too,
- If you'd had that much brew,
- And an enema given with rum!
- Anne just couldn't get off her rocks.
- She tried stuffing her thumb in her box;
- She tried carrots, a marrow,
- And a half-decayed sparrow --
- Why, she even tried cream cheese and lox!
- The dame was a poor- round-heeled bimbo;
- Now she stood there, her arms were akimbo:
- Her coin in the slot
- For the use of the pot
- Made her wish that she'd practised the limbo.
- No robber, no baron was smugger
- Than that German, the happy whore hugger.
- His own major domo
- (A sodomite homo)
- Swore he'd bugger that old mugger Fugger.
- Don't pity the wife of Old Lot,
- Who was frozen to salt on the spot;
- 'Cause she sure got a kick
- When the the cows came to lick
- At her highly salacious old twat.
- The doctors all said it was simple:
- "It's not to worry! This pimple
- Though festered and hairy
- And looking so scary
- Is only an inside-out dimple!"
- I once knew a girl name of Claire.
- I swear she had boobs out to there.
- The boys loved to tipple
- At her larger left nipple
- Where each each of them could have his share.
- Did you know there were two Sigmund Freuds?
- One loved nymphomaniacal beuds.
- But the other -- the prude --
- Who wrote books that were lewd
- Had his testicles insured by Lleuds.
- Now Sindbad came down with the pox,
- Screwing birds he'd find down by the docks.
- Yet he was heard to say
- That he'd found a new way
- When he had to, to get off his rocs.
- Anne-Marie was a pot-bellied slut.
- No foundation could circle her gut.
- If you think that is bad,
- Know that she also had
- A steatopygian butt.
- I once knew a girl who took teas
- On the bank of the river called Tees
- Without knickers. The breeze
- That played over her knees
- She regarded as only a tease.
- Though a self-confessed egalitarian,
- She indulged rites that weren't riparian.
- So one sunny day,
- Nine months after a lay,
- She succumbed to her second caesarean.
- A sweet callipygian lass
- Used to drive the boys wild. It was crass
- When they asked her, "How come?"
- She replied, "With my bum:
- It's not only mass, dears, it's class!"
- A singing instructor named Glass
- Taught a student to sing through through his ass.
- "You know it's a pity
- That last ditty was shitty,
- So I'm keeping you in after class."
- A crafty young bugger is Sam:
- He claims that he don't give a damn.
- But when all's said and done,
- He always has fun
- And then leaves, with polite "Thank you, ma'am."