Limericks o' the Day
- A horny young fellow named Redge
- Was jerking off under a hedge.
- The gardener drew near
- With a huge pruning shear,
- And trimmed off the edge of his wedge.
- There was a young man of Seattle
- Who bested a bull in a battle.
- With fire and gumption
- He assumed the bull's function,
- And deflowered a whole herd of cattle.
- A maiden who wrote of big cities
- Some songs full of love, fun and pities,
- Sold her stuff at the shop
- Of a musical wop
- Who played with her soft little titties.
- There once was a lady hand-letterer
- Who thought of a program to better her.
- She hand-lettered each
- Of the parts she could reach,
- The bosoms, the navel, et cetera.
- There was an old goddess named Venus
- Who loved young Adonis' penis.
- When Jupiter, the fool,
- Cut off the boy's tool,
- She remarked, "Please don't come between us."
- There was a young man from Peru
- Who attempted to bugger a gnu.
- Said the gnu, "Pederasty
- Is decidedly nasty,
- But you may slip up my slew for a sou."
- The beautiful wife of a banker
- Was asleep on a yacht while at anchor.
- She awoke in dismay
- When she heard the mate say,
- "Boys hoist up the top sheet and spanker!"
- A Bishop whose See was Vermont
- Used to jerk himself off in the font.
- The baptistry stank
- With an odor most rank,
- And no one would sit up in front.
- Since the girls found no joys in her lap,
- Sue chopped off her big brother's tap.
- At his death she did not repent,
- But fixed it with cement
- And wore it in place with a strap.
- There was a young lady of Bicester
- Who was nicer by far than her sister:
- The sister would giggle
- And wiggle and jiggle,
- But this one would come if you kissed her.
- An explorer returned from Australia,
- Reported lost paraphernalia:
- A Zeiss microscope
- And his personal hope,
- Which had vanished with his genitalia.
- There was a young student of Skat, ah me!
- Who said, "What have these wenches got o' me?
- I have lost father's knees,
- Likewise my pancreas,
- And I fear I shall die of phlebotomy."
- There was a young man named Moritz
- Who was subject to passionate fits,
- But his pleasure in life
- Was to suck off his wife
- As he swung by his knees from her tits.
- An amorous lady named Clair
- Said, "Please don't touch me down there.
- It makes me feel icky,
- And gooey and sticky,
- And sometimes I stick to my chair"
- There was a young lady named Smith
- Whose virtue was largely a myth.
- She said, "Try as I can
- I can't find a man
- Who it's fun to be virtuous with."
- An untutored Southwestern solon
- Couldn't tell his behind from a hole in
- That good Texas ground
- Till the day that he found
- That oil wouldn't come out of his colon.
- There was a young fellow from Leith
- Who used to skin cocks with his teeth.
- It wasn't for pleasure
- He adopted his measure,
- But to get at the cheese underneath.
- There once was a poet named Rob,
- Found a girl that kissed on his knob.
- After awhile it grew wider,
- So he shoved it inside her,
- And never went back to his job.
- "Freud's opinion", said old Dr. Stekel,
- "Isn't worth a Confederate shekel.
- Withdrawal is fun---
- But beware lest the sun
- Should cause the withdrawn parts to freckle."
- There was a young lady named Sharkey
- Who had an affair with a darkey.
- The result of her sins
- Was quadruplets, not twins,
- One white, and one black, and two khaki.
- I sat with the Duchess at tea,
- And she asked, "Do you fart when you pee?"
- And I said with some wit,
- "Do you belch when you shit?"
- And I felt it was one up to me!
- There once was a man from Kanut,
- Who had lots of warts on his root.
- He put acid on these,
- And now, when he pees,
- He holds his dick like a flute!
- There was an old man from Leeds,
- Who swallowed a packet of seeds,
- Tufts of grass
- Grew out his ass,
- And his balls were all covered in weeds.
- Frankie and Johnny were lovers
- Especially under the covers.
- When she pulled out his trigger
- She said, "Mmm, what a figger!
- But it makes so many girls mothers."
- A muscular Turk of Stamboul
- Tried to screw a recalcitrant mule.
- He climbed on a haystack
- Overlooking a racetrack,
- And dived in all covered with drool.
- I met a young man in Chungking
- Who had a very long thing---
- But you'll guess my surprise
- When I found that its size
- Just measured a third-finger ring!
- Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
- When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
- "You must seize it, and squeeze it,
- And tease it, and please it,
- For Rome wasn't built in a day."
- Said Oscar McDingle O'Figgle,
- With an almost hysterical giggle,
- "Last night I was sick
- With delight when my prick
- Felt dear Alfred's delicious arse wriggle!"
- As the rabbi was cutting the throat
- Of the annual tribal scape-goat,
- Said the beast, "I will cite you
- As a sodomite! You
- Forget what we did on the boat."
- There was a marine on Palau
- Who looked for a girl to deflower.
- But to his surprise
- The Jap girls run sidewise---
- To deflower on Palau takes know-how.