Limericks o' the Day
- There was a young girl in Berlin
- Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
- Though he diddled his best,
- And fucked her with zest,
- She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?"
- There was a young peasant named Gorse
- Who fell madly in love with his horse.
- Said his wife, "You rapscallion,
- That horse is a stallion---
- This constitutes grounds for divorce."
- Maggie is such a sad sack of shit
- That no one will tickle her tit.
- It would make her so glad
- To be had by a lad,
- Her drawers cream at the mere thought of it.
- Said an old taxidermist in Burrell,
- As he skillfully mounted a squirrel,
- "This excess of tail is
- Obstructive to phallus;
- One's much better off with a girl."
- A widow whose singular vice
- Was to keep her late husband on ice
- Said, "It's been hard since I lost him---
- I'll never defrost him!
- Cold comfort, but cheap at the price,"
- There was a young man from Glengozzle
- Who found a remarkable fossil.
- He knew by the bend
- And the wart on the end,
- 'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.
- A newlywed couple from Goshen
- Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
- In twenty-eight days
- They got laid eighty ways---
- Imagine such fucking devotion.
- A seamstress at Epping-on-Tyne
- Used to peddle her tail down the line.
- She first got a crown,
- But her prices went down---
- Now she'll fit you for ten pence or nine.
- There was a young lady named Hatch
- Who would always come through in a scratch.
- If a guy wouldn't neck her,
- She'd grab up his pecker
- And shove the damn thing up her snatch.
- There once was a eunuch of Roylem,
- Took two eggs to the cook and said, "Boil 'em.
- I'll sling 'em beneath
- My inadequate sheath,
- And slip into the harem and foil 'em."
- Should a fellow discover some night
- A girl's body in bed, it's all right.
- He should think it good luck,
- And accept the free fuck---
- He will bugger her too, if he's bright.
- When a woman in strapless attire
- Found her breasts working higher and higher,
- A guest, with great feeling,
- Exclaimed, "How appealing!
- Do you mind if I piss in the fire?"
- A fellow whose surname was Hunt
- Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt:
- This versatile spout
- Could be turned inside out,
- Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.
- There was a young monk from Siberia
- Whose morals were very inferior.
- He did to a nun
- What he shouldn't have done,
- And now she's a Mother Superior.
- There was a young fellow named Sweeney
- Whose girl was a terrible meanie.
- The hatch of her snatch
- Had a catch that would latch---
- She could only be screwed by Houdini.
- There was an old Abbot of Khief
- Who thought the Inpenitent Thief
- Had bollocks of brass
- And an amethyst ass.
- He died in this awful belief.
Part 1 of 6:
- It was under the old apple tree
- That she first showed it to me.
- It was ever so hot,
- It was shaped like a slot,
- But it looked like a subway to me.
Part 2 of 6:
- With a twinlke so full in her eye,
- She craftily mangled my fly.
- Out popped a tool
- That was long as a rule
- And she sank to her knees with a sigh.
Part 3 of 6:
- She proceeded to lube up my tool
- With lots of her natural drool.
- My knees gave a shake,
- My breath hard to make,
- And my tool throbbed away like a fool.
Part 4 of 6:
- With a magnificent shake of her head,
- She threw me down onto the bed.
- The apples so round,
- The leaves on the ground
- Made my tool like a sail on the Med.
Part 5 of 6:
- The subway engulfed all my tool.
- She rocked like she's riding a mule.
- My tool gave a jerk,
- Let out a hot squrt,
- And flooded her subway with jooul.
Part 6 of 6:
- As the sun sank slow in the west,
- She rose up and off of my chest.
- The tool flopped out bent
- It was terribly spent--
- She absorbed all the best of the rest!
- There once was a girl named McGoffin
- Who was diddled amazingly often.
- She was rogered by scores
- Who'd been turned down by whores,
- And was finally screwed in her coffin.
- There was an old curate of Hestion
- Who'd erect at the slightest suggestion.
- But so small was his tool
- He could scarce screw a spool,
- And a cunt was quite out of the question.
- There was a gay dog from Ontario
- Who fancied himself a Lothario.
- At a wench's glance
- He'd snatch off his pants
- And make for her Mons Venerio.
- There once was a man from New Boston,
- Who bought a new sportscar--an Austin;
- There was room for his ass,
- And a gallon of gas,
- And his balls hung out till he lost 'em.
- An indolent vicar of Bray
- Kept his wife in the family way,
- Till she grew more alert,
- Bought a vaginal squirt,
- And said to her spuose, "Let us spray!"
- There was a young student of art
- Who made a strange anatomical chart:
- In place of the chest
- A grease spot on the vest,
- And in place of the asshole a fart.
- There was a young lady named Maude
- A terrible society fraud:
- In company, I'm told
- She was awfully cold.
- But if you got her alone, Oh God!
- There was a young fellow named Cribbs
- Whose cock was so big it had ribs.
- They were inches apart,
- And to suck, it took art,
- While to fuck, it took forty-two trips.