Limericks o' the Day
- There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel
- Who said, "They can all go to hell!
- What they do to my wife---
- Why it ruins my life;
- And the worst is, they all do it well."
- There was an old man of Madrid
- Who went to an auction to bid.
- In the first lot they sold
- Was an ancient commode---
- And, my God, when they lifted the lid!
- There was a young fellow named Bowen
- Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'.
- It grew so tremendous,
- So long and so pendulous,
- 'Twas no good for fuckin'---just showin'.
- There was an old hag named Le Sueur
- Who just was an out-and-out whore.
- Between her big tits
- You could come for two bits,
- And she'd fuck in any old sewer.
- Have you heard of the Widow O'Riley
- Who esteemed her late husband so highly
- That in spite of the scandal,
- Her umbrella handle
- Was made of his membrum virile.
- Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester,
- She obliges all who accost her.
- She welcomes the prick
- Of Tom, Harry, or Dick,
- Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor.
- There was a gay parson of Tooting
- Whose roe he was frequently shooting,
- Till he married a lass
- With a face like my ass,
- And a cunt you could put a top-boot in.
- A cowhand way out in Seattle
- Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
- He said, "No, I can't fuck
- A lamb or a duck,
- But golly! it just fits the cattle."
- A cautious young husband named Rafe
- Used to diddle his wife with a safe.
- Thus he thwarted God's wishes
- And fed his pet fishes,
- Which he kept in a bedside carafe.
- To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish!
- Your cunt is as big as a dish!"
- She replied, "Why, you fool,
- With your limp little tool
- It's like driving a nail with a fish!"
- To the shrine which was Pallas Athena's
- Young Bito (who'd learned about penis)
- Brought her needles and thread
- And scissors and said,
- "You can stick them---I'm changing to Venus!"
- A lad from far-off Transvaal
- Was lustful, but tactful withal.
- He'd say, just for luck,
- "Mam'selle, do you fuck?"
- But he'd bow till he almost would crawl.
- There was a young lady of Joppa
- Who came a society cropper.
- She went to Ostend
- With a gentlemen friend---
- The rest of the story's improper.
- A contortionist hailing from Lynch
- Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
- A foot cost a quid---
- He could and he did
- Stretch it to three in a pinch.
- There was a young girl of Claridge's
- Who said, "What a strange thing marriage is,
- When you stop to think
- That I've poured down the sink
- Five abortions and fifty miscarriages!"
- There once was an apple-cheeked runt
- Who was welcomed with joy at the Front.
- This God's gift to he-men
- Prevented spilled semen,
- For his ass was tattooed like a cunt.
- A young man from famed Chittagong
- Worked hard at the stool and worked long.
- He felt a hard mass
- Obstructing his ass,
- Then shit and cried, "I shit a gong!"
- There was a young naval cadet
- Whose dreams were unusually wet.
- When he dreamt of his wedding
- He soaked up the bedding,
- And the wedding ain't taken place yet.
- There was an old whore named McGee
- Who was just the right sort for a spree.
- She said, "For a fuck
- I charge half a buck,
- And I throw in the asshole for free."
- "Competition is keen, you'll agree,"
- Said an ancient old flapper from Dee,
- So she dyed her gray tresses,
- Chopped a foot from her dresses,
- And her reason you plainly can see.
- There was a young fellow named Simon
- Who tried to discover a hymen,
- But he found every girl
- Had relinquished her pearl
- In exchange for a solitaire diamond.
Part 1 of 5:
- Thus spake the King of Siam:
- "For women I don't care a damn.
- But a fat-bottomed boy
- Is my pride and my joy---
- The call me a bugger: I am."
Part 2 of 5:
- "Indeed," quoth the King of Siam,
- "For cunts I just don't give a damn.
- They haven't the grip,
- Nor the velvety tip,
- Nor the scope of the asshole of man."
Part 3 of 5:
- Then up spake the Bey of Algiers
- And said to his harem, "My dears,
- You may think it odd o' me
- But I've given up sodomy---
- Tonight there'll be fucking!" (loud cheers)
Part 4 of 5:
- Then up spake the young King of Spain:
- "To fuck and to bugger is pain.
- But it's not infra dig
- On occasion to frig,
- And I do it again and again."
Part 5 of 5:
- Then up spoke a Hindu mahout,
- And said, "What's all this blithering about?
- Why, I shoot my spunk
- Up an elephant's trunk---"
- (Cries of "Shame! He's a shit! Throw him out!")
- Said a pregnant young lady named Sally,
- "I've learned that it's consummate folly
- To walk home from a dance
- Without any pants
- When the way home leads over the Pali."
- There was a young man of Calcutta
- Who jerked himself of in the gutter.
- But the tropical sun
- Played hell with his gun
- And turned all his cream into butter.
- An octogenarian Jew
- To his wife remained steadfastly true.
- This was not from compunction,
- But due to dysfunction
- Of his spermatic glands---nuts to you.
- There was an old lady, God damn her,
- She fucked herself with a hammer.
- The hammer was blunt
- And so was her cunt,
- And out came a kid with a hop, skip, and jump.
- There was a young man in Havana,
- Fucked a girl on a player piano.
- At the height of the fever
- Her ass hit the lever---
- Yes! He has no banana!