Limericks o' the Day
- Remember those two of Aberystwyth
- Who connected the things that they pissed with?
- She sat on his lap
- But they both had the clap,
- And they cursed with the things that they kissed with.
- There was a young girl from Seattle
- Who got her kicks sucking off cattle,
- 'til a bull from the South
- Popped a load in her mouth
- That made both her ovaries rattle.
- There once was a gay young Parisian
- Who came to an awful decision:
- For his sexual joys
- He'd have women and boys,
- And snakes too---and no supervision!
- That handsome young man is a Yalie,
- And his lifestyle of preference is gay-ley.
- But his ass is so tight,
- That to fuck himsa fight.
- So, his lover just masturbates daily.
a Princeton alum
- There once was a horny old bitch
- With a motorized self-fucker which
- She would use with delight
- All day long and all night---
- Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch.
- There was a young man of Eau Claire
- Who had an affair with a bear,
- But the surly old brute
- With a snap of her snoot
- Left him only one ball and some hair.
- There was a young fellow of Mayence
- Who fucked his own arse, in defiance
- Not only of custom
- And morals, dad-bust him,
- But most of the known laws of science.
- The woman who lives on the moon
- Is still cherishing the balloon
- Of an earthling who'd come
- And given her some,
- But had dribbled away all to soon,
- There once was a man of Belfast
- Whose balls out of iron were cast.
- He'd managed somehow
- To bugger a sow,
- Thus you get pig iron, at last.
- A person of most any nation
- If afflicted with bad constipation,
- Can shove a cuirass
- Up the crack of his ass,
- But it isn't a pleasing sensation.
- There was an old priest of Penrang,
- Wound a spiked ampallang round his whang.
- When they asked, "Why'd you do it?"
- The priest said, "Oh, screw it!
- It's just for the young girls I bang."
- There once was a chick less than meek,
- Who wished above all to be chic.
- She thought it much neater
- (Not to mention discreeter)
- To do it with a sheik with a "Sheik."
- There once was a fellow named Glantz
- Who on entering a toilet in France,
- Was in such a heat
- To paper the seat,
- He shit right into his pants.
- The grand-niece of Madame DuBarry
- Suspected her son was a fairy.
- "It's peculiar," said she,
- "But he sits down to pee,
- And stands when I bathe the canary."
- There was a young lady named Hall
- Who went to a birth-control ball.
- She was loaded with pessaries
- And other accessories,
- But no one approached her at all.
- There was a young lady from Ongar,
- Got shagged in the sea, by a conger;
- Her girlfriend from Deal
- Asked, "How did it feel?"
- She said, "Nice - Like a bloke - only longer!"
- To the shrine which was Pallas Athena's
- Young Bito (who'd learned about penis)
- Brought her needles and thread
- And scissors and said,
- "You can stick them---I'm changing to Venus!"
- A synod of Anglican friars
- Were discussing their carnal desires.
- Said the priest from Tulagi,
- "The Marys are baggy,
- But a coconut truly inspires."
- There was a young girl named O'Malley
- Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
- She got roars of applause
- When she kicked off her drawers,
- But her hair and her bush didn't tally.
- There was a young lady of Alnwicke
- Whom a stranger threw into a panic.
- For he frigged her and fucked her,
- And buggered and sucked her,
- With a glee hardly short of satanic.
- There was a young girl whose divinity
- Preserved her in perfect virginity,
- 'Til a candle, her nemesis,
- Caused parthenogenesis---
- Now she thinks herself one of the Trinity.
- A pederast living in Arles
- Used to bugger the bung of a barrel,
- But was heard to lament,
- "In the old days I went
- Up the blue-blooded bum of an earl!"
- There was a young fellow named Thrale
- Who was hardly what you could call male.
- His libido wasn't channelized
- So he got psychoanalyzed,
- And now he can't get enough tail.
- That naughty old Sappho of Greece
- Said, "What I prefer to a piece
- Is to have my pudenda
- Rubbed hard by the enda
- The little pink nose of my niece.
- There was a pianist named Liszt
- Who played with one hand while he pissed,
- But as he grew older
- His technique grew bolder,
- And in concert jacked off with his fist.
- Some night when you're drunk on Dutch Bols
- Try changing the usual roles.
- The backward position
- Is nice for coition
- And it offers the choice of two holes.
- A young man from the banks of the Po
- Found his cock had elongated so,
- That when he'd pee
- It was not he
- But only his neighbors who'd know.
- There was a young choirboy from Devon
- Who was raped in a haystack by seven
- High Anglican priests---
- (Lascivious beasts)---
- For of such is the kingdom of heaven
- There was a young lady named Flynn
- Who thought fornication a sin,
- But when she was tight
- It seemed quite all right,
- So everyone filled her with gin.
- There once was a midwife of Gaul
- Who had hardly no business at all.
- She cried, "Hell and damnation!
- There's no procreation---
- God made the French penis too small."