Limericks o' the Day
- Said a meaty young woman of Croft,
- Amusing herself in the loft,
- "A salami or wurst
- Is what I should choose first---
- With bologna you know you've been boffed."
- There was a young man from St. Paul
- Who had really no scruples at all---
- He would fart when he'd talk,
- And shit when he'd walk,
- And at night throw it over the wall.
- There was a young girl, very sweet,
- Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat.
- When she sat on their lap
- She unbuttoned their flap.
- And always had plenty to eat.
- An erotic neurotic named Syd
- Got his Ego confused with his Id.
- His errant libido
- Was like a torpedo,
- And that's why he done what he did.
- There was a young fellow named Hyde
- Who took a girl out for a ride.
- He mucked up her fuck-hole
- And fucked up her muck-hole,
- And charged her two dollars beside.
- A frugal young fellow named Wise
- Gets the most from the dead whores he buys.
- After sporting a while
- As a gay necrophile,
- For dessert he has maggot surprise.
- There was a young couple named Kelly
- Who had to live belly to belly,
- Because once, in their haste,
- They used library paste
- Instead of petroleum jelly.
- Lisped a limp-wristed cowboy named Fay,
- "It's a hell of a place to be gay!
- I must, on these prairies,
- Due to a shortage of fairies,
- With the deer and the antelope play!"
- There was a young fellow named Bouch
- Who inveigled a girl to a couch.
- He said, "Pretty young miss,
- I will take you, I wiss,
- Horizontally, veritcally, crouch."
- There once was a gal named Lewinsky
- Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
- 'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
- On this flute made of beef
- That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
- Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
- We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
- Since you look such a mess,
- Use the hem of your dress
- And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
- Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
- What Kaczynski must surely have known:
- That an intern is better
- Than a bomb in a letter
- Given the choice to be blown.
- There was a young girl of Cohoes
- Who jerked herself off with her nose.
- She said, "Yes, I done it,
- But just for the fun it
- Afforded the folk of Cohoes."
- There was an old maid in Peru
- Who'd a dog and a cat and a gnu.
- From a sairlor named Harrot
- She bought an old parrot,
- And he threw in a young cockatoo.
- There was a young fellow named Fritz
- Who planted a acre of tits.
- They came up in the fall,
- Pink nipples and all,
- And he chewed them all up into bits.
- There was an old man from Pinole
- Who always got in the wrong hole,
- And when he withdrew,
- All covered with goo,
- His temper was out of control.
- There was a young fellow named Oakum
- Whose brags about fucking were hokum,
- For he really preferred
- To suck cocks and stir turd---
- He was Queen of the Flits in Hoboken.
- There was a young girl from Sofire.
- Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
- She said, "It's a sin,
- But now that it's in,
- Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
- Van Gogh found a whore who would lay,
- And accept a small painting as pay.
- "Vive l' Art!" cried Van Gogh,
- "But it's too fucking slow---
- I wish I could paint ten a day!"
- Beneath a tree one rainy day,
- A lover and his swooning lady lay.
- He was in her to the hilt,
- And though she was nearly kilt,
- She loved it, and kept hollering, "Hooray!"
- A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll
- While bent over plucking a dingle
- Had the whole Eisteddfod
- Taking turns at his pod
- While they sang some impossible jingle.
- Prince Absalom lay with his sister
- And bundled and nibbled and kissed her,
- But the kid was so tight,
- And it was deep night---
- Though he shot at the target, he missed her.
- There was a young girl named Regina
- Who called in a water-diviner,
- To play a slick trick
- With his prick as a stick,
- To help her locate her vagina.
- There once was an artist named Thayer
- Who was really a cubist for fair.
- He looked all his life
- To find him a wife
- Possessed of a cunt that was square.
- There was an old person of Gosham
- Who took out his ballocks to wash 'em.
- His wife said, "Now, Jack,
- If you don't put them back,
- I'll step on your scrotum and squash 'em."
- An innocent soldier named Stave
- Was almost seduced by a Wave.
- But he's still a recluse
- With all of his juice,
- For he didn't know how to behave.
- There was a young girl named Venus
- Who had never encountered a penis.
- When Van Stone threw his in
- It went up to her chin,
- But the bore, not the stroke, was the meanest.
- The damned Jap sons-a-bitches,
- We made them wet their britches.
- We grabbed our gun,
- And made 'em run,
- The goddamned sons-a-bitches.
- Ther was a young man from Split
- Who was thrilled with the thought of shit.
- He was simply elated,
- Till he grew constipated,
- But that took all the pleasure from it.
- There was a young lady of Ghat
- Who never could sit but she shat.
- Oh, the seat of her drawers
- Was a chamber of horrors,
- And they felt even fouler than that!
- The illustrious author, Dean Howells,
- Had a terrible time with his bowels.
- His wife, so they say,
- Cleaned them out every day
- With special elongated trowels.