Limericks o' the Day
- There was a composer so swell
- Who thought screwing to music was hell.
- Everything went fine
- Till he got out of time---
- "Say, this isn't Bach, it's Ravel!"
- There was a young student of Oriel
- Who flouted the ruling proctorial.
- He ran down the Corn
- With a hell of a horn,
- And buggered the Martyrs' Memorial.
- As the lady took hold of his cock
- It resembled the texture of rock.
- She started with sucking,
- To prep for the fucking
- She'd get when his boat reached the dock.
- It was on the 7th of December
- That Franklin D. took out his member.
- He said, like the bard,
- "It will be long and very hard,
- Pearl Harbor has given me something to remember."
- There was a young lady named Alice
- Who purchased a hard-rubber phallus.
- Since she learned its perfections
- She shuns doctors' inspections---
- It is such an odd place for a callus.
- There once was a girl from Spokane
- Went to bed with a one-legged man.
- She said, "I know you---
- You've really got two!
- Why didn't you say so when we began?"
- There was a queer fellow named Rice
- Whose sex life was colder than ice,
- But a kindly relation
- Restored his sensation
- By covering his penis with lice.
- Consider the case of Charles the Insane
- Who had a large cock and a very small brain.
- While fucking his sister
- He raised a large blister
- On the tip of his whip and her pubic terrain.
- A tea-swilling bookman, Magee,
- When he has distant clients to see,
- Always travels by plane
- And if pressed to explain
- Says, "I dote on TWA tea."
- There was a young man of Coblenz
- The size of whose balls was immense.
- One day, playing soccer,
- He sprung his left knocker,
- And kicked it right over the fence.
- A fanatic gun-lover named Crust
- Was perverse to the point of disgust.
- His idea of a peach
- Had a sixteen-inch breech,
- And a pearl-handled 44 bust.
- A gun-shy recruit from Visalia
- Was an absolute infantry failure.
- But he wasn't so dumb
- When it came to a come,
- And he knew how to use genitalia.
- There was a young female named Ware
- Who cut off her pubical hair.
- Then to save the men trouble
- She razored the stubble,
- But none of them really did care.
- There was a gay Countess of Dufferin,
- One night while her husband was covering,
- Jest to chaff him a bit
- She said, "You old shit,
- I can buy a dildo for a sovereign."
- There was in Connecticut once
- A chap who went strongly for runts.
- Midget parts he collected
- Were all hand-selected
- And framed, within miniature cunts.
- There was a young fellow named Chubb
- Who joined a smart buggery club,
- But his parts were so small
- He was no good at all,
- And they promptly refunded his stub.
- There once were a couple of queers
- Who loved going on basketeers.
- One preferred, you may guess,
- The right, to left-dress,
- But for hangs-in-the-middle---just jeers.
- There was a young man of Lahore
- Whose prick was one inch and no more.
- It was all right for key-holes
- And little girls' pee-holes,
- But not worth a damn with a whore.
- An Eskimo living near Nome
- Erected a sign by his home:
- He hung on his totem
- A jock and a scrotum,
- In the hair was a walrus-tusk comb.
- There's always some one around
- Who'd object if I rifted with sound.
- But out in the park,
- At least after dark,
- I can make the welkin resound.
- A reformer who went out to Bali
- To change the sartotial folly
- Of the girls now admits,
- "A pair of good tits
- In season can seem rather jolly."
- Have you heard about Molly O'Day
- Who always had the time (so they say):
- She opened her crotch
- And pulled out a watch,
- Which usually made the boys gay.
- There was a young fellow, McBride,
- Who preferred his trade long, thick, and wide.
- But he never rejected
- Anything that erected,
- For "Peter is peter", he sighed.
- Unique is a strumpet of Mazur
- In the way that her clientele pays her:
- A machine that she uses
- Clamps on to her whoosis,
- And clocks everybody that lays her.
- There was a young cad name of Snyder
- Who took out a girl just to ride her.
- She allowed him to feel
- From her neck to her heel,
- But never would let him inside her.
- There was a young lady of Harrow
- Who complained that her cunt was too narrow,
- For times without number
- She would use a cucumber,
- But could not accomplish a marrow.
- There once was a man name of Dwight
- The length of his dong was a fright.
- He once had a whore
- Who stood 3 foot 4,
- And now the girl's tonsils are white.
- A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm,
- Was renowned for her fine paroxysm.
- While the man detumesced
- She still spent on with zest,
- Her rapture sheer anachronism.
- There was an old fellow named Fletcher,
- A lewd and perverted old lecher.
- In a spirit of meanness
- He cut off his penis,
- And now he regrets it, I betcha.
- There once was an actress of Bonely,
- And the men never let her be lonely.
- So she hung out in front
- Of her popular cunt
- A sign reading: "Standing Room Only."
- I dined with the Duchess of Dyches,
- Who said, "God! how my bottom-hole itches!"
- So she passed around switches
- And took down her britches,
- And soon her dinner-guests had her in stitches.