Limericks o' the Day
- Alas for a preacher named Hoke,
- Whose shit was all stuck in his poke.
- He farted a blast
- That left hearers aghast,
- But nothing emerged but some smoke.
Part 1 of 2:
- My wife is an amorous soul
- On fire for an African's pole.
- She told a coon chauffeur
- That he was her gopher---
- And, say, did he go for her hole!
Part 2 of 2:
- As he creamed my wife's cunt, the coon said,
- "I could fuck this until she was dead!"
- As he plugged up her trough,
- I jerked myself off;
- "If that's how you feel, go ahead!"
- There was a young lady of fashion
- Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
- To her lover she said,
- As they climbed into bed,
- "Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"
- There was an old spinster of Tyre
- Who bellowed, "My cunt is on fire!"
- So a fireman was found,
- Brought his engine around,
- And extinguished her burning desire.
- A proper young lady of Taos
- Had her panties trimmed neatly with lace.
- But a vulgar young man
- Raped her roughly, and ran,
- And left them pure panties in chaos.
- There was a young lass from Hoboken
- Who said that her hymen was broken
- From riding a bike,
- on a cobble stone pike.
- In truth, it was broken from pokin'.
- There was an aesthetic young miss
- Who thought it the apex of bliss
- To jazz herself silly
- With the bud of a lily,
- Then go to the garden to piss!
- There was a young man, name of Snyder,
- Who took out a girl just to ride her.
- She allowed him to feel
- From her neck to her heel,
- But never would let him inside her.
- A pretty young maid from Australia
- Painted her ass like a dahlia.
- The colour was fine,
- And so the design,
- But the smell was still naturalia!
- Once a pirate named Yates
- Danced the jig for all of his mates.
- He slipped in his cutlas,
- And made himself nutless,
- And now he's quite useless on dates.
- There once was a bishop from Nottingham
- Who stood on a bridge down in Birmingham.
- He watched all the stunts
- Of the cunts in the punts
- And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking them.
- There was a Bishop from Trawlee
- Who went out into the Garden to pee.
- He said "Pax Vou Biscum"
- I can't make the piss come
- It must be the C L A P!
- There was a young fellow named Malcolm
- Who dusted his ass-hole with talcum.
- He'd always use it
- Everytime that he shit,
- And found the sensation right welcome.
- There was a young fellow named Harry,
- Had a joint that was long, huge and scary.
- He pressed it on a virgin
- Who, without any urgin',
- Immediately spread like a fairy.
- There was a young lady named Ames
- Who would play at the jolliest games.
- She was great fun to lay
- For her rectum would play
- Obbligatos, and call you bad names.
- Here's to old King Montezuma,
- For fun he would bugger a puma.
- The puma in play
- Clawed both balls away---
- How's that for animal humor?
- On the plains of north-central Tibet
- They've thought of the strangest thing yet:
- On the ass of a camel
- They pour blue enamel,
- And bugger the beast while it's wet.
- A virgin felt urged in Toulouse
- Till she thought she would try sef-abuse.
- In search of a hard on
- She ran out in the garden,
- And was had by a statue of Zeus.
- A morbid young lady named Jean
- Was known as the Masochist Queen.
- She used thistles and cacti
- In pursuit of her practi,
- In a manner both odd and obscene.
- There was a young girl of Peru
- Who had nothing whatever to do,
- So she sat on the stairs
- And counted cunt hairs---
- Four thousand, three hundred, and two.
- For sculpture that's really first class
- You need form, composition, and mass.
- To do a good Venus
- Just leave off the penis,
- And concentrate all on the ass.
- The life of a clerk of the session
- Was strangled in psychic repression.
- But his maladies ceased
- When his penis uncreased
- In straight geometric progression.
- When the Bermondsey bricklayers struck,
- Bill Bloggins was 'aving a fuck.
- By uni-on rules,
- He 'ad to down tools---
- Now wasn't that bloddy 'ard luck!
- A fellow with love-making flair
- Was licking his sweetie "down there."
- He said, as some gas
- Escaped from her ass,
- "Thank God for a breath of fresh air!"
- A stingy old man of St. Giles
- Saved his shillings with miserly wiles.
- Just to save a few bob
- He would wipe with a cob,
- And that way he got piles and piles!
- There was an old maid from Bruton
- Who had the bad habit of pootin'.
- Her sphincter was weak,
- Her wind she couldn't keep---
- This tootin' old spinster from Bruton.
- Have you heard of young Franchot Tone
- Who felt of his own peculiar bone?
- It was long and quite narrow
- And filled full of marrow,
- And less edible than stale corn pone.
- A company of Grenadier Guards
- While traversing the park, formed in squads,
- Saw two naked statues
- At three-quarter pratt views,
- Which perceptibly stiffened their rods.
- There was a young man who preferred
- Having sex with some kind of a bird.
- The rarer the species,
- And the fuller of feces,
- The better---that guy really loved turd.