Limericks o' the Day
- There was an old fellow named Rapp
- Who had a job all considered a snap.
- In the insane asylum
- He'd grade cunts and file 'em,
- And bi-weekly he'd rub up their nap.
- A young Juliet of St. Louis
- On a balcony stood, acting screwy.
- Her Romeo climbed,
- But he wasn't well timed,
- And half-way up, off he went---blooey!
- There was a young girl from nace
- Whose corset just would not lace.
- Her mother said, "Nellie,
- There's more in your belly
- Than ever went in through your face."
- There once was wee lad called Marvin
- Who thought his big dick was for carvin'
- He tried to cut slices
- Of "Turkey with spices"
- And left all his dining guests starvin'.
- There was a young lady from Slough
- Who said that she didn't know how.
- Then a young fellow caught her
- And jolly well taught her;
- She lodges in Pimlico now.
- There was a young man from Venice
- Who played a good game of lawn tennis.
- But the game he liked best,
- Far more than the rest,
- Was played with two balls and a pennis.
- A star-gazing fellow named Flipper
- Had a girl try to open his zipper.
- As he stared at Orion,
- The young girl was cryin'
- As she found it was NOT a Big Dipper.
- A shapely young lady name Jenna
- Colored her pubics with henna.
- On a beach she was crude
- And sunbathed in the nude.
- She was promptly invited to dinnah.
- There was a young person of Kent
- Who was famous wherever he went.
- All the way through a fuck
- He would quack like a duck,
- And he crowed like a cock when he spent.
- There once was a geologist named Wassal,
- Who one day found a colossal fossil.
- He could tell by the bend,
- And the knob at the end,
- That it was the peter of Paul, the apostile.
- A depraved old Jew from Estretto
- Buggered every young man in the ghetto.
- He once had his hose in
- A musician, composing,
- Who said: "Not so slow---allegretto!"
- There was an old maid in Van Nuys
- Who went crazy from making mud pies.
- She would fill them with farts
- And pickled beef-hearts,
- And bake them between her fierce thighs.
- On his honeymoon sailing the ocean
- A tightwad displayed much emotion
- When he learned, one fine day,
- He'd been fucking away
- What could have been bottled as lotion.
- A prudish young damsel named Rose
- Is particular how men propose.
- To "Let's have intercourse,"
- She says gaily, "Of course,"
- But to "Let's fuck," she turns up her nose,
- There was a young girl named Dalrymple
- Whose sexual needs were so simple.
- She enjoyed the full spasm
- Of a perfect orgasm
- By frigging herself on a pimple.
- Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad;
- Of all of the girls that I've had,
- None gave me the thrill
- Of real rapture until
- I learned how to be a tribade."
- There once was a fellow named Siegel
- Who attempted to bugger a beagle,
- But the mettlesome bitch
- Turned and said with a twitch,
- "It's fun, but you know it's illegal."
- In the quaint English village of Worcester
- Lived a little red hen and a rooster.
- A coquettish glance
- She acquired in Framce
- Gave him ants in his pants, and he goosed her.
- There was a young man from Darjeeling
- Whose dong reached up to the ceiling.
- In the electric light socket
- He'd put it and rock it---
- Oh God! What a wonderful feeling!
- A widow who lived in Rangoon
- Hung a black-ribboned wreath on her womb,
- "To remind me," she said,
- "Of my husband who's dead,
- And of what put him into his tomb."
- There was a young fellow named Gluck
- Who found himself shit out of luck.
- Though he petted and wooed,
- When he tried to get screwed
- He found virgins just don't give a fuck.
- There was a young man named McNamiter
- With a tool of prodigious diameter.
- But it wasn't the size
- Gave the girls a surprise,
- But his rhythm---iambic pentameter.
- The Communist Party's Earl Browder
- Was fucking a girl in a howda.
- The elephant's trunk
- Somehow got in her cunt
- Which, they felt, made it terribly crowded.
- There was an old man of Kentucky,
- Said to his old woman,"Oi'll fuck ye."
- She replied, "Now you wunt
- Come anigh my old cunt,
- For your prick is all stinking and mucky,"
- The young things who frequent picture palaces
- Have no use for this psycho-analysis.
- And although Doctor Freud
- Is distinctly annoyed
- They cling to their old-fashioned fallacies.
- There was a young lady called Tucker,
- And the parson he tried hard to fuck her.
- She said, "You gay sinner,
- Instead of your dinner,
- At my cunt you shall have a good suck,ah."
- There once was a man named Enus
- Who had a 50 foot penis.
- It dragged on the ground,
- And made a bad sound,
- And when stiff it reached up to Venus
- A girl who lived in Kentucky
- Said, "Yes, I've been awfully lucky.
- No man ever yet
- On my back made me get,
- But sometimes I feel awful fucky."
- There was a young virgin named Alice
- Who thought of her cunt as a chalice.
- One night, sleeping nude,
- She awoke feeling lewd,
- And found in her chalice a phallus.
- A glutted debauchee from Frome
- Lured beauteous maids to his room,
- Where, after he'd strip 'em,
- He'd generally whip 'em
- With a bundle of twigs or a broom.
- Antoinette was a beautiful whore
- Who wore fifty-six beads---nothing more.
- They sneered, "Unrefined!"
- When she wore them behind,
- So she tactfully wore them before.