Limericks o' the Day
- A daring young maid from Dubuque
- Risked a rather decided rebuke
- By receiving a prude
- In the absolute nude,
- But he gasped, "If you only could cook!"
- The was a young lady with worts
- In the most private of places, of course.
- She went to the doctor
- Who said he would shock her,
- But voltage would not be the source.
- There was a young man from Nantucket
- Took a pig in a thicket to fuck it.
- Said the pig, "Oh, I'm queer,
- Get away from my rear. . .
- Come around to the front and I'll suck it."
- I never have had Miss Defauw,
- But it wouldn't have been quite so raw
- If she'd only said "No"
- When I wanted her so;
- But she didn't---she laughed and said "Naw!"
- There was a young lady of France
- Who went to the Palace to dance.
- She danced with a Turk
- Till he got in his dirk,
- And now she can't button her pants.
- An innocent maiden of Clewer
- Incited her boyfriend to screw her.
- She tried to say no,
- A half-second slow---
- Now when she sits down she says, "Oo-er!"
- There was a Hell's Kitchen Y.T.
- Who said to two boyfriends, "Aw, gee,
- I don't think that coitus
- Could possibly hoit us!"
- So they did it together, all three.
- There was a young fellow named Morgan
- Who possessed an unusual organ:
- The end of his dong,
- Which was nine inches long,
- Was tipped with the head of a gorgon.
- There was a young lady named Psyche
- In bed with a fellow named Ike.
- Said he, "Now don't worry,
- Or hurry or flurry,
- But that ain't my prick---it's a spike."
Part 1 of 2:
- There was a young fellow of Greenwich
- Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
- He had such a tool
- It was wound on a spool,
- And he reeled it out inich by inich.
Part 2 of 2:
- But this tale has an unhappy finich,
- For due to the sand in the spinach
- His ballocks grew rough
- And wrecked his wife's muff,
- And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage.
Part 1 of 3:
- Two anglers were fishing off Wight
- And his bobber was dipping all night.
- Murmured she, with a laugh,
- "It is ready to gaff,
- But don't break your rod, which is light."
Part 2 of 3:
- A couple was fishing near Clombe
- When the maid began looking quite glum,
- And said, "Bother the fish!
- I'd rather coish!"
- Which they did---which was why they had come.
Part 3 of 3:
- As two consular clerks in Madras
- Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass,
- "What a marvelous pole,"
- Said she, "but control
- Your sinkers---they're banging my ass."
- Your limericks unclean are a riot.
- If this page were for sale, I might buy-et.
- But, to my real duress,
- I'm afraid I can't guess
- What my wife might say if she should spy-et.
Contributed by K. Swift
- The swaggering hips of a jade
- Raised the cock of a clerical blade.
- Hell-bent for his fun
- He went home on the run,
- And diddled his grandmother's maid.
- There was a young girl of Oak Knoll
- Who thought it exceedingly droll,
- At a masquerade ball
- Dressed in nothing at all
- To back in as a Parker House roll.
- There was a young caveman named Ug
- Who stuck his plug in a jug.
- Said Ug with a shrug
- As he gave it a tug,
- "Now ain't this a hell of a fug!"
- Coo'd a twittering Tilly Terwoo,
- "You're so cute, Sir, we just have to screw.
- When you smile, I get wet
- and all gooey, you bet.
- And my hole gets as hot as a flue!"
- There was a young girl of Asturias
- With a penchant for practices curious.
- She loved to bat rocks
- With her gentlemen's cocks---
- A practice both rude and injurious.
- There is an old fellow named Brougham
- Who reminds me of someone---but whom?
- If only I knew
- I'd get both the two
- Together some night, and I'd' screw'm.
- A lady, by passion deluded,
- Found an Afircan drunk and denuded,
- And---fit as a fiddle,
- And hot for a diddle---
- She tied splints to his penis and screwed it.
- There was a young girl of Cape Cod
- Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God.
- But it wasn't Jehovah
- That turned the girl over,
- 'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger,
- The bugger, the bastard, the sod!
- There was a young lady of Rhyll
- In an omnibus was taken ill,
- So she called the conductor
- Who got in and fucked her,
- Which did her more good than a pill.
- A worn-out young husband named Lehr
- Heard daily his wife's plaintive prayer:
- "Slip on a sheath, quick,
- Then slip your big dick
- Between these lips covered with hair."
- In Stokes lived an ugly bluestocking
- Who declared the men's manners were shocking.
- Why, she'd never been diddled,
- Even fingered or fiddled. . .
- So she finally moved over to Focking.
- Said a dainty young whore named Miss Meggs,
- "The men like to spread my two legs,
- Then slip in between,
- If you know what I mean,
- And leave me the white of their eggs."
- There was a young man named Pete
- Who was a bit indiscreet.
- He pulled on his dong
- Till it grew very long
- And actually dragged in the street.
- A finicky young whippersnapper
- Had ways so revoltingly dapper
- That a young lady's quim
- Didn't interest him
- If it hadn't a cellophane wrapper.
- There was a young girl from Hong Kong
- Who said, "You are utterly wrong
- To say my vagina
- 's the largest in China,
- Just because of your mean little dong."
- Hickory is the best of wood,
- Fucking does a woman good,
- It spreads her thighs,
- Opens her eyes,
- And gives her ass good exercise.