Limericks o' the Day
- There's a lot has been said 'bout the breast---
- Like how nicely they feel when they're pressed.
- But when push comes to shove,
- In this business of love,
- Its "twats" 'tween the legs that is best.
- A sailor indulged in coitus
- With a cow of the genus of Cetus.
- Piscatologists thundered,
- Biologists wondered,
- At the anchor tattooed on the fetus.
- There was a young fellow named Biddle
- Whose girl had to teach him to diddle.
- She grabbed hold of his bow
- And said, "If you want to know,
- You can try parting my hair in the middle."
- A cautious young fellow named Tunney
- Had a whang that was worth any money.
- When eased in half-way,
- The girl's sigh made him say,
- "Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey."
- There was a young man named Isaac Cox
- Who took as his motto: "I suck cocks."
- This frank declaration
- Brought him such reputation
- That he spent twenty years sucking cocks on the docks.
- It's only human nature after all
- If a fellow puts a girl against the wall
- And puts his inclination
- Into her accomodation
- To increase the population
- Of the rising generation---
- Why, it's only human natrue after all.
- A young lady from South Carolina
- Placed fiddle strings 'cross her vagina.
- What, with proper sized cocks,
- Once was sex, became Bach's
- Tocatta and Fugue in D Minor.
David E. B.
- Two roosters in one of our pens
- Found their pricks were no larger than wens.
- As they looked at their foreskins
- And wished they had more skins,
- They discovered they'd both become hens.
- There was a young lady named Peaches
- Who frequented the very best beaches.
- She refused the lifeguard,
- Though he breast-stroked her hard---
- She preferred to be sucked off by leeches.
- There was a young man of King's Cross
- Who amused himself frigging a horse,
- Then licking the spend
- Which still dripped from the end,
- Said, "It tastes just like anchovy sauce."
- There was a young Georgian named Lynd
- Who'd never in all his life sinned,
- For whenever he'd start
- He'd be jarred by a fart,
- And his semen was gone with the wind.
- There was a young cowboy named Gary
- Who was morbidly anxious to marry,
- But he found the defection
- Of any erection
- A difficuly factor to parry.
- The bustard's a fortuitous fowl,
- Who has but small reason to growl.
- He avoids illigitemacy
- By the simple expediency
- Of the use of an alternate vowel.
- The wife of young Richard of Limerick
- Complained to her hesband, "My quim, Rick,
- Still grows in diameter
- Each time that you ram at her;
- How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?"
- There was a young lassie named Phyllis
- Was deflowered one night in a Willys.
- Before they were through
- Her spine was askew,
- And I very much fear that it still is.
- All those Monica limericks are lame,
- But I guess we have Clinton to blame.
- Had he fucked just his wife,
- For once in his life,
- Or at least missed the dress when he came.
- A parson who lived near Cremorne
- Looked down on all women with scorn.
- E'en a boy's white, fat bum
- Could not make him come,
- But an old man's piles gave him the horn.
- There was a sailor from Brighton
- Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
- She replied, "Bless my soul,
- You're in the wrong hole!
- There's plenty of room in the right one!"
- A virile young man of Touraine
- Had vesicles no one could drain.
- With an unbroken flow
- Thrice the course he would go,
- Then roll over and start in again.
- Bill Clinton's no man of conviction,
- Avoiding truth is a lifelong affliction.
- Mixes lies with the facts,
- We can never relax,
- To him, truth IS stranger than fiction.
- Smoking reefer didn't cause him to fail,
- And that Lewinsky affair is a tale.
- These two things they will name,
- When the defense makes its claim,
- That neither Bill nor the girl did inhale.
- Q. Flaccus in his third liber:
- "The Romans have no wood-pulp fiber.
- A crapulent quorum
- Will squat in the Forum
- And heave dirty stones in the Tiber."
- A whore grown too old to get laid
- Turned parfumeuse, finding it paid
- To concoct Fleur de Floozie
- From the juice of her coosie
- (Substantial discount to the trade).
- As Apollo was chasing the fair
- Daphne she vanished in air.
- He could find but a shrub
- With thick bark on the hub
- And not even a knot-hole to spare.
- There was an old maid from Bermuda
- Who shot a marauding intruder.
- It was not her ire
- At his lack of attire,
- But he reached for her jewels as he screwed her.
- A milkmaid of Warnesby Fair
- Was an expert at riding bulls bare.
- Oh how the bulls gallop
- To give that dear trollop
- A bounce on the sweet derry-air.
Part 1 of 2:
- There once was a Vassar B.A.
- Who pondered the problem all day
- Of what there would be
- If C-U-N-T
- Were divided by C-O-C-K.
Part 2 of 2:
- A young Ph.D. passing by,
- She gave him the problem to try.
- He worked the division
- With perfect precision,
- And the answer was B-A-B-Y.
- A pious young lady named Finnegan
- Would caution her beau, "Now you're in again,
- Please watch it just right
- So you'll last through the night,
- For I certainly don't want to sin again."
- There was a young man of Tyburnia
- Who was fucking a girl with a hernia.
- When he shot in her twat
- Why, she also shot---
- All over him! Wouldn't that burn ya?
- To Italy went Sinclair Lewis
- Documenting the life led by loose
- American drunks,
- But he unpacked his trunks
- 'Cause Florence slipped him a goose.