April 1998

Limericks o' the Day


There was a young lady named White
Found herself in a terrible plight:
A mucker named Tucker
Had struck her, the fucker---
The bugger, the bastard, the shite!


There once was a woman from York
Who used to eat shit with a fork.
Her son said, "You goon,
You eat shit with a spoon.
It`s pork that you eat with a fork."
Contributed by


A clever inventor named Krupp
Wore a belt when he wanted to tup.
His mighty dry cells
Made her tits buzz like bells,
And lighted the hall-entrance up.


Said my wife as she stood on a rostrum,
"I don't mind if I don't have colostrum,
But I'll take an option
If your child's for adoption---
Though I cannot bear kids, I can foster 'em."


To an ancient divine of Tyrone
Was the art of rebushing cunts known.
In each cunt he would ram
A fine, prime raw ham,
And then deftly extracted the bone,


A nudist resort at Benares
Took a midget in all unawares.
But he made members weep
For he just couldn't keep
His nose out of private affairs.


There once was a young boy named Steven
Who noticed his balls were uneven.
When he pulled on the right,
The left shot out of sight:
Not the effect Steve was keen on achievin'.
Contributed by
Christopher Andersen


There was a young brother monastic
Whose penis was somewhat elastic.
So when it uncoiled,
With a snap it recoiled,
Interrupting his studies scholastic.
Contributed by
Peter Wilkins


A big bollocksed dancer, Durango,
Had trouble while dancing Fandango,
The blood from his twirls
Overfilled the guys pearls
Which swelled to the size of a mango.
Contributed by
Patrick Manley


A sadistic young cook, Miss McDillet
Gets very upset when you fill it.
When she's done and hops off,
She lops your thing off,
And sautés it up in a skillet.
Contributed by
Patrick Manley


Whenever a fellow named Rex,
Flashed his very small organ of sex,
He always got off,
For the judges would scoff,
De minimis non curat lex.
Contributed by
Christian Hill


There was a young man from Vancouver
Whose existence had lost its prime mover.
But its loss he supplied
With a piece of bull's hide,
Two pairs, and the bag from the Hoover.


There was a young man from Liberia
Who was groping a wench from Nigeria.
He said, "Yes, my pet,
Your panties are wet."
"Sorry, sir, that's my interior."


It's a helluva fix that we're in
When the geographical spread of the urge to sin
Causes juvenile delinquency
With increasing frequency
By the Army, the Navy, and Errol Flynn.


There was a young athlete named Grimmon
Who developed a new way of swimmin':
By a marvellous trick
He would skull with his prick,
Which attracted loud cheers from the women.

The Good Ship Venus

Part 1 of 7:

The good ship's name was Venus,
Her mast a towering penis,
Her figure-head
A whore in bed---
A pretty sight, by Jesus!

Part 2 of 7:

The first mate's name was Andy,
By God, he was a dandy,
They broke his cock
With chunks of rock
For conking in the brandy.

Part 3 of 7:

The second mate was Morgan,
By God, he was a Gorgon,
Nine times a day
Fine tunes he'd play
On his reproductive organ.

Part 4 of 7:

The captain's daughter Mabel
They screwed when they were able,
They nailed her tits,
Those lousy shits,
Right to the captain's table.

Part 5 of 7:

The captain's other daughter,
They threw her in the water,
You could tell by the squeals
That some of the eels
Had found her reproductive quarter.

Part 6 of 7:

The cabin-boy was the captain's joy,
A cunning little nipper,
They filled his ass
With broken glass
And circumcized the skipper.

Part 7 of 7:

Then in search of new sensation
In the forms of recreation,
The ship was sunk
In a wave of gunk
From mutual masturbation.


There once was a girl named Miss Nokes,
Who showed her behind to the folks.
Everyone cheered,
And a vendor appeared
Selling hotdogs and popcorn and Cokes.
Contributed by
Christopher Andersen


I knew a girl from St. Paul
Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
Someone set it on fire
And burned here entire
Front Page, Sporting Section and all.
Contributed by


An unfortunate fellow named Chase
Had an ass that was not quite in place,
And he showed indignation
When an investigation
Showed that some people shit through their face,

Part 1 of 3:

There once was a guy on a ski,
Who desperately needed to pee.
He loosened his clothes,
His penis soon froze,
As an icicle down to his knee.

Part 2 of 3:

He stumbled down to a hot tub,
And there, at first sight, fell in love.
The girl, she was nude,
And seemed in the mood;
They proceeded to rub-a-dub-dub.

Part 3 of 3:

His performance was quite a disgrace.
He picked the girl up by the waist,
He pounded her twice,
With his penis of ice,
Then he shot an ice cube into space!
Contributed by


There was a young man of Natal
Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
Said he, "You be buggered!
I like to fuck slow, and I shall."


There once was a man from Nepal
Whose turds were exceedingly small.
He'd sit in his room
And shit on a spoon
And then flick his turds down the hall.
Contributed by
Christopher Andersen

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