Limericks o' the Day
- There was a young lady named White
- Found herself in a terrible plight:
- A mucker named Tucker
- Had struck her, the fucker---
- The bugger, the bastard, the shite!
- There once was a woman from York
- Who used to eat shit with a fork.
- Her son said, "You goon,
- You eat shit with a spoon.
- It`s pork that you eat with a fork."
- A clever inventor named Krupp
- Wore a belt when he wanted to tup.
- His mighty dry cells
- Made her tits buzz like bells,
- And lighted the hall-entrance up.
- Said my wife as she stood on a rostrum,
- "I don't mind if I don't have colostrum,
- But I'll take an option
- If your child's for adoption---
- Though I cannot bear kids, I can foster 'em."
- To an ancient divine of Tyrone
- Was the art of rebushing cunts known.
- In each cunt he would ram
- A fine, prime raw ham,
- And then deftly extracted the bone,
- A nudist resort at Benares
- Took a midget in all unawares.
- But he made members weep
- For he just couldn't keep
- His nose out of private affairs.
- There once was a young boy named Steven
- Who noticed his balls were uneven.
- When he pulled on the right,
- The left shot out of sight:
- Not the effect Steve was keen on achievin'.
- There was a young brother monastic
- Whose penis was somewhat elastic.
- So when it uncoiled,
- With a snap it recoiled,
- Interrupting his studies scholastic.
- A big bollocksed dancer, Durango,
- Had trouble while dancing Fandango,
- The blood from his twirls
- Overfilled the guys pearls
- Which swelled to the size of a mango.
- A sadistic young cook, Miss McDillet
- Gets very upset when you fill it.
- When she's done and hops off,
- She lops your thing off,
- And sautés it up in a skillet.
- Whenever a fellow named Rex,
- Flashed his very small organ of sex,
- He always got off,
- For the judges would scoff,
- De minimis non curat lex.
- There was a young man from Vancouver
- Whose existence had lost its prime mover.
- But its loss he supplied
- With a piece of bull's hide,
- Two pairs, and the bag from the Hoover.
- There was a young man from Liberia
- Who was groping a wench from Nigeria.
- He said, "Yes, my pet,
- Your panties are wet."
- "Sorry, sir, that's my interior."
- It's a helluva fix that we're in
- When the geographical spread of the urge to sin
- Causes juvenile delinquency
- With increasing frequency
- By the Army, the Navy, and Errol Flynn.
- There was a young athlete named Grimmon
- Who developed a new way of swimmin':
- By a marvellous trick
- He would skull with his prick,
- Which attracted loud cheers from the women.
The Good Ship Venus
Part 1 of 7:
- The good ship's name was Venus,
- Her mast a towering penis,
- Her figure-head
- A whore in bed---
- A pretty sight, by Jesus!
Part 2 of 7:
- The first mate's name was Andy,
- By God, he was a dandy,
- They broke his cock
- With chunks of rock
- For conking in the brandy.
Part 3 of 7:
- The second mate was Morgan,
- By God, he was a Gorgon,
- Nine times a day
- Fine tunes he'd play
- On his reproductive organ.
Part 4 of 7:
- The captain's daughter Mabel
- They screwed when they were able,
- They nailed her tits,
- Those lousy shits,
- Right to the captain's table.
Part 5 of 7:
- The captain's other daughter,
- They threw her in the water,
- You could tell by the squeals
- That some of the eels
- Had found her reproductive quarter.
Part 6 of 7:
- The cabin-boy was the captain's joy,
- A cunning little nipper,
- They filled his ass
- With broken glass
- And circumcized the skipper.
Part 7 of 7:
- Then in search of new sensation
- In the forms of recreation,
- The ship was sunk
- In a wave of gunk
- From mutual masturbation.
- There once was a girl named Miss Nokes,
- Who showed her behind to the folks.
- Everyone cheered,
- And a vendor appeared
- Selling hotdogs and popcorn and Cokes.
- I knew a girl from St. Paul
- Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
- Someone set it on fire
- And burned here entire
- Front Page, Sporting Section and all.
- An unfortunate fellow named Chase
- Had an ass that was not quite in place,
- And he showed indignation
- When an investigation
- Showed that some people shit through their face,
Part 1 of 3:
- There once was a guy on a ski,
- Who desperately needed to pee.
- He loosened his clothes,
- His penis soon froze,
- As an icicle down to his knee.
Part 2 of 3:
- He stumbled down to a hot tub,
- And there, at first sight, fell in love.
- The girl, she was nude,
- And seemed in the mood;
- They proceeded to rub-a-dub-dub.
Part 3 of 3:
- His performance was quite a disgrace.
- He picked the girl up by the waist,
- He pounded her twice,
- With his penis of ice,
- Then he shot an ice cube into space!
- There was a young man of Natal
- Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
- Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
- Said he, "You be buggered!
- I like to fuck slow, and I shall."
- There once was a man from Nepal
- Whose turds were exceedingly small.
- He'd sit in his room
- And shit on a spoon
- And then flick his turds down the hall.