April 1998

Limericks o' the Day


4/1/98:

There was a young lady named White
Found herself in a terrible plight:
A mucker named Tucker
Had struck her, the fucker---
The bugger, the bastard, the shite!
1927

4/2/98:

There once was a woman from York
Who used to eat shit with a fork.
Her son said, "You goon,
You eat shit with a spoon.
It`s pork that you eat with a fork."
Contributed by
Tom

4/3/98:

A clever inventor named Krupp
Wore a belt when he wanted to tup.
His mighty dry cells
Made her tits buzz like bells,
And lighted the hall-entrance up.
1942

4/4/98:

Said my wife as she stood on a rostrum,
"I don't mind if I don't have colostrum,
But I'll take an option
If your child's for adoption---
Though I cannot bear kids, I can foster 'em."
1951

4/5/98:

To an ancient divine of Tyrone
Was the art of rebushing cunts known.
In each cunt he would ram
A fine, prime raw ham,
And then deftly extracted the bone,
1941

4/6/98:

A nudist resort at Benares
Took a midget in all unawares.
But he made members weep
For he just couldn't keep
His nose out of private affairs.
1949

4/7/98:

There once was a young boy named Steven
Who noticed his balls were uneven.
When he pulled on the right,
The left shot out of sight:
Not the effect Steve was keen on achievin'.
Contributed by
Christopher Andersen

4/8/98:

There was a young brother monastic
Whose penis was somewhat elastic.
So when it uncoiled,
With a snap it recoiled,
Interrupting his studies scholastic.
Contributed by
Peter Wilkins

4/9/98:

A big bollocksed dancer, Durango,
Had trouble while dancing Fandango,
The blood from his twirls
Overfilled the guys pearls
Which swelled to the size of a mango.
Contributed by
Patrick Manley

4/10/98:

A sadistic young cook, Miss McDillet
Gets very upset when you fill it.
When she's done and hops off,
She lops your thing off,
And sautés it up in a skillet.
Contributed by
Patrick Manley

4/11/98:

Whenever a fellow named Rex,
Flashed his very small organ of sex,
He always got off,
For the judges would scoff,
De minimis non curat lex.
Contributed by
Christian Hill

4/12/98:

There was a young man from Vancouver
Whose existence had lost its prime mover.
But its loss he supplied
With a piece of bull's hide,
Two pairs, and the bag from the Hoover.
1941

4/13/98:

There was a young man from Liberia
Who was groping a wench from Nigeria.
He said, "Yes, my pet,
Your panties are wet."
"Sorry, sir, that's my interior."
1947

4/14/98:

It's a helluva fix that we're in
When the geographical spread of the urge to sin
Causes juvenile delinquency
With increasing frequency
By the Army, the Navy, and Errol Flynn.
1947

4/15/98:

There was a young athlete named Grimmon
Who developed a new way of swimmin':
By a marvellous trick
He would skull with his prick,
Which attracted loud cheers from the women.
1941

The Good Ship Venus

4/16/98:
Part 1 of 7:

The good ship's name was Venus,
Her mast a towering penis,
Her figure-head
A whore in bed---
A pretty sight, by Jesus!

4/17/98:
Part 2 of 7:

The first mate's name was Andy,
By God, he was a dandy,
They broke his cock
With chunks of rock
For conking in the brandy.

4/18/98:
Part 3 of 7:

The second mate was Morgan,
By God, he was a Gorgon,
Nine times a day
Fine tunes he'd play
On his reproductive organ.

4/19/98:
Part 4 of 7:

The captain's daughter Mabel
They screwed when they were able,
They nailed her tits,
Those lousy shits,
Right to the captain's table.

4/20/98:
Part 5 of 7:

The captain's other daughter,
They threw her in the water,
You could tell by the squeals
That some of the eels
Had found her reproductive quarter.

4/21/98:
Part 6 of 7:

The cabin-boy was the captain's joy,
A cunning little nipper,
They filled his ass
With broken glass
And circumcized the skipper.

4/22/98:
Part 7 of 7:

Then in search of new sensation
In the forms of recreation,
The ship was sunk
In a wave of gunk
From mutual masturbation.
1946

4/23/98:

There once was a girl named Miss Nokes,
Who showed her behind to the folks.
Everyone cheered,
And a vendor appeared
Selling hotdogs and popcorn and Cokes.
Contributed by
Christopher Andersen

4/24/98:

I knew a girl from St. Paul
Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
Someone set it on fire
And burned here entire
Front Page, Sporting Section and all.
Contributed by
Anonymous

4/25/98:

An unfortunate fellow named Chase
Had an ass that was not quite in place,
And he showed indignation
When an investigation
Showed that some people shit through their face,
1941

4/26/98:
Part 1 of 3:

There once was a guy on a ski,
Who desperately needed to pee.
He loosened his clothes,
His penis soon froze,
As an icicle down to his knee.

4/27/98:
Part 2 of 3:

He stumbled down to a hot tub,
And there, at first sight, fell in love.
The girl, she was nude,
And seemed in the mood;
They proceeded to rub-a-dub-dub.

4/28/98:
Part 3 of 3:

His performance was quite a disgrace.
He picked the girl up by the waist,
He pounded her twice,
With his penis of ice,
Then he shot an ice cube into space!
Contributed by
Beatdown

4/29/98:

There was a young man of Natal
Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
Said he, "You be buggered!
I like to fuck slow, and I shall."
1879

4/30/98:

There once was a man from Nepal
Whose turds were exceedingly small.
He'd sit in his room
And shit on a spoon
And then flick his turds down the hall.
Contributed by
Christopher Andersen

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