Limericks o' the Day
- There was an old man named McDurnal
- Who claimed that his cock was eternal.
- In his ninety-ninth year,
- He dreamed of his dear,
- And had an emission nocturnal
- There once was a lady from Spain
- Who cocked her leg over a train.
- The train gave a shunt
- And went straight up her cunt
- And that was the end of the train.
Mark A. Pettge
- A psychiatrist fellow, quite Jung,
- Asked his wife, "May I bugger your bung?"
- And was so much annoyed
- When he found her a-Freud,
- He went out in the yard and ate dung.
- A spinster in Kalamazoo
- Once strooled after dark by the zoo.
- She was seized by the nape,
- And raped by an ape,
- And she murmured, "A wonderful screw."
- A team of Tom and Louise
- Do an act in the nude on their knees.
- They crawl down the aisle
- While fucking dog-style,
- And the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees."
- There was an old man of Cajon
- Who never could get a good bone.
- With the aid of a gland
- It grew simply grand;
- Now his wife cannot leave it alone.
- There was a young fellow named Rule
- Who went to a library school.
- As he fingered the index
- His thoughts ran to sex,
- And his blood all ran to his tool.
- A sheep-herder in Van Buren
- Lost half of his flock with the murrain.
- Quoth the state veterinary,
- "You ought not to carry
- Them live spirochetes of your'n.
- There was a debauched little wench
- Whom nothing could ever make blench.
- She admitted men's poles
- At all possible holes,
- And she'd bugger, fuck, jerk off, and french.
- There was a young lady named Inge
- Who went on a binge with a dinge.
- Now I won't breathe a word
- Of what really occurred---
- But her cunt has a chocolate fringe.
- There was a young fellow named Spratt
- Who was terribly sassy and fat.
- He sat amusing himself
- By abusing himself,
- While his trained leopard licked at his pratt.
- Alas for the Countess d'Isere,
- Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair.
- Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!"
- When he parted her thighs;
- "Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre."
- There was a young man of Ostend
- Who let a girl play with his end.
- She took hold of Rover,
- And felt it all over,
- And it did what she didn't intend.
- There was a young priest named Delaney
- Who said to the girls, "Nota bene,
- I've seen how you swish up
- Your shirts at the bishop
- Whenever the weather is rainy."
- There was an old parson of Lundy,
- Fell asleep in his vestry on Sunday.
- He awoke with a scream:
- "What, another wet dream!
- This comes of not frigging since Monday."
- A virile young G.I. named Shorty
- Was lively, and known to be "sporty."
- But he once made a slip
- And showed up with a "drip,"
- And was red-lined (35-1440).
- There was a rich old roue
- Who felt himself slipping away.
- He endowed a large ward
- In a house where he'd whored.
- Was there a crowd at his funeral? I'll say!
- There was a young girl of Connecticut
- Who didn't care much about etiquette.
- Whenever she was able
- She'd piss on the table,
- And mop off her cunt with her petticoat.
- A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
- Had a pussy as large as a muff.
- It had room for both hands
- And some intimate glands,
- And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
Part 1 of 3
- A self-centered young fellow named Newcombe
- Who seduced many girls but made few come
- Said, "The pleasures of tail
- Were ordained for the male.
- I've had mine. Do I care whether you come?"
Part 2 of 3
- She egged him on with her charms,
- And wriggled right into his arms.
- She promised him bliss
- With her first little kiss,
- And they soon found themselves in a barn.
Part 3 of 3
- She slid under his much-muscled torso
- And guided his shaft to her morceau.
- He drilled till she ran
- Ane dripped into a pan---
- She was filled like she'd wished, only more so.
- An organist playing in York
- Had a prick that could hold a small fork,
- And between obbligatos
- He'd munch at tomatoes,
- To keep up his strength while at work.
- A lady while dining at Crewe
- Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
- Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
- And don't wave it about,
- Or the others will all want one, too."
- There was a young lady from Wheeling
- Who professed no sexual feeling.
- When a cad named Boris
- Touched her clitoris,
- They scraped her off the ceiling.
- In a porn shop a young lass from Racine
- Was selecting a fucking machine.
- She said with a smile
- As she turned up the dial,
- "This one's the best one I've seen!"
- 'Tis a farorite pasttime of mine
- A new value of pi to assign.
- I'd fix it at 3
- For it's simpler, you see,
- Than 3.14159.
- There was a fellow named Dave
- Who just didn't know how to behave.
- Until he met Mandy,
- Who was ever so randy,
- And now he's become her sex slave.
- There once was a handsome Haitian,
- The luckiest dog in creation.
- He worked for the rubber trust
- Teaching the upper crust
- The science of safe copulation.
- There was an old man of Ramnugger
- Who drove a rare trade as a bugger,
- Till a fair young Circassian
- Brought fucking in fashion,
- And spoilt all the trade in Ramnugger.