Limericks o' the Day
- At the moment Japan declared war
- A sailor was fucking a whore.
- He said, "After this poke
- 'Long and hard' ain't no joke;
- This means months till I get back ashore."
- Have you heard of Professor MacKay
- Who lays all the girls in the hay?
- Though he thinks it's romantic
- He drives them all frantic
- By talking a wonderful lay.
- There was a family named Doe,
- An ideal family to know.
- As father screwed mother,
- She said, "You're heavier than brother."
- And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!"
- There was a young fellow named Pell
- Who didn't like cunt very well.
- He would finger and fuck one,
- But never would suck one---
- He just couldn't get used to the smell.
- A grey-headed tutor named Porson
- From some strange amatory contortion
- Believed he'd conceived
- A book, but relieved
- Himself by a pamphlet abortion.
- A mathematician named Hall
- Had a hexahedronical ball,
- And the cube of its weight
- Times his pecker, plus eight,
- Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all.
- There was a young lady of Cheyne
- Who crept into the vestry unseen.
- She pulled down her knickers,
- And also the vicar's,
- And said, "How about it, old bean?"
- There was a young lady named Kerr
- Whose step-ins were made out of fur.
- When they asked, "Is it fun?"
- She replied, "It's a son-
- of-a-gun to make pussy purr!"
- The notorious Duchess of Peels
- Saw a fisherman fishing for eels.
- Said she, "Would you mind?---
- Shove one up my behind.
- I am anxious to know how it feels."
Part 1 of 4
- There was a young harlot named Schwartz
- Whose cock-pit was studded with warts,
- And they tickled so nice
- She drew a high price
- From the studs at the summer resorts.
Part 2 of 4
- Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle,
- Was seldom hard up for a diddle,
- For according to rumor
- His tool had a tumor
- And a fine row of warts down the middle.
Part 3 of 4
- Her brother, a bastard named Ben,
- Could rotate his pecker, and then
- He would shoot through his rear
- Which made him the dear
- Of the girls, and the envy of men.
Part 4 of 4
- Her other young brother, named Saul,
- Was able to bounce either ball,
- He could stretch them and snap them,
- And jugggle and clap them,
- Which earned him the plaudits of all.
- A lesbian lassie named Anny
- Desired to appear much more manny.
- So she whittled a pud
- Of mahogany wood,
- And let it protrude from her cranny.
- There once was a tart named Belinda
- Whose cunt opened out like a window.
- But she'd slam the thing shut,
- The contemptible slut,
- Whenever you tried to get inda.
- I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing
- Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?"
- I replied, "Simple shagging
- Without any wagging
- Is only for screwing canoeing."
- A young black boxer, Joe Louis,
- Who buggered a bastardly Jewess,
- He said with a sigh
- As his engine went dry,
- "I wonder where all of my goo is?"
- There was a young girl from the Bronix
- Who had a vagina of onyx.
- She had so much tsoris
- With her clitoris,
- She traded it in for a Packard.
- There was a young man of Malacca
- Who always slept on his left knacker.
- One Saturday night
- He slept on his right,
- And his knacker went off like a cracker.
- For sculpture that's really first class
- You need form, composition, and mass.
- To do a good Venus
- Just leave off the penis,
- And concentrate all on the ass.
- There was a young girl of Uttoxeter,
- And all the young men shook their cocks at her.
- From one of these cocks
- She contracted the pox,
- And she poxed all the cocks in Uttoxeter.
- A young polo player of Berkeley
- Made love to his sweetheart berserkly.
- In the midst of each chukker
- He would break off and fuck her
- Horizontally, laterally, and verkeley.
- There once was a girl from Nigeria,
- Who loved to eat foods with fiberia.
- She ate cabbage and prunes,
- And lots of legumes,
- Now her husband lives in Siberia.
- A fair-haired young damsel named Grace
- Thought it very, very foolish to place
- Her hand on your cock
- When it turned hard as rock,
- For fear it would explode in her face.
- The favorite pastime of grandfather
- Was tickling his balls with a feather.
- But the thing he liked best
- Of all of the rest,
- Was knocking them gently together.
- An impotent Scot named MacDougall
- Had to husband his sperm and be frugal.
- He was gathering semen
- To gender a he-man,
- By screwing his wife through a bugle.
- In Glasgow a tender tapeworm
- Was so starved that he barely could squirm,
- Until his host finally
- Was buggered divinely,
- And Jimmie had vaseline and sperm.
- There once was a sailor named Gasted,
- A swell guy, as long as he lasted,
- He could jerk himself off
- In a basket, aloft,
- Or a breeches-bouy swung from the masthead.
- A pretty young girl Eskimo
- Thought it very patriotic to sew
- Ballock-warmers for those
- Who were fighting the foes,
- And on whom the North wind would blow.
- There is a young foggot named Mose
- Who insists that you fuck his long nose.
- And you'll double the joy
- Of this lecherous boy
- If you'll tickle his balls with your toes.
- An amorous Jew, on Yom Kippur,
- Saw a shiksel--decided to clip her.
- "I'll grip her, and strip her,
- And lip her, and whip her---"
- Then his dingus shot off in his zipper!