Limericks o' the Day
- A sensitive fellow named Harry
- Thought sex too revolting to marry.
- So he went out in curls
- And frowned on the girls,
- And he got to be known as a fairy.
- There was a young girl of Rangoon
- Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon.
- "Well, it has been great fun,"
- She remarked when he'd done,
- "But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."
- There was an Archbishop of Rhiems
- Who played with himself in his dreams.
- On his night-shirt in front
- He painted a cunt,
- Which made his spend gush forth in streams.
- A nudist from over the Pass,
- Thinks the Fourth of July is a gas,
- His cock (and balls too)
- He paints red, white, and blue,
- And he sticks a flag pole up his ass.
- There was a young lady from Munich
- Who had an affair with a eunuch.
- At the height of her passion
- He dealt her a ration
- From a squirt gun concealed 'neath his tunic.
- The wandering mujahedin
- To many strange places has been.
- He likes a young lass
- Or a boy's tender ass
- And with one or two sheep he's been seen!
- "It's long and it's firm and it's ripe
- I confess that it's just how I like!"
- Thus the young fairy said
- Bending over the bed,
- "Now shove it right up my back pipe!"
- The limerick packs laughs anatomical
- Into space that's quite economical.
- But the good ones I've seen
- So seldom are clean,
- And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
- A quiet young fellow named Nate
- With both hands diddled his mate.
- It was three fingers in 'er
- And one flutt'ring agin' her
- That opened her juices' floodgate.
- At the Iphigenia of Gluck
- Two ushers attempted to fuck.
- At the blare of the brass
- One contracted his ass,
- And they carted him off in a truck.
- At Vassar sex isn't injurious,
- Though of love we are never penurious.
- Thanks to vulcanized aids
- Though we may die old maids,
- At least we shall never die curious.
- Love letters no longer they write us,
- To their homes they so seldom invite us.
- It grieves me to say,
- They have learned with dismay,
- We can't cure their vulva pruritus.
- A fox-hound retired from the hunt
- For he found that his lobes had grown blunt
- To the scent of the fox,
- But he still would sniff rocks
- For the mystical fragrance of cunt.
- There was a young fellow named Edward
- Who preferred a live trope to a dead word.
- He never would speak
- Of taking a leak,
- But instead said his urge was to headward.
- A young architect named Yorik
- Who could, when feeling euphoric
- Display for selection
- Three kinds of erection,
- Corinthian, Ionic and Doric!
- There once was a sailor from Brighton
- Who said to his girl, "You're a tight one!"
- She said, "'Pon my soul,
- You're in the wrong hole -
- There's plenty of room in the right one."
- There was an old man of the Cape
- Who buggered a Barbary ape.
- The ape said, "You fool!
- You've got a square tool;
- You've buggered my arse out of shape!"
- A cardinal living in Rome
- Had a Renaissance bath in his home.
- He could gaze at the nudes
- As he worked up his moods
- In emulsions of semen and foam.
- A young indian boy from Madras
- Loved to shag the girls in the grass.
- Then out came the sun
- To spoil all his fun
- By burning the hairs on his ass!
- In La France once a clevair young man
- Met a girl on the beach down at Cannes.
- Said the mademoiselle,
- "Eh, m'sieu, vot ze 'ell?
- Stay away where eet ees not son-tan!"
- A keeper in Hamburg's great zoo
- Tried to have a young girl kangaroo.
- But she zipped up her pouch,
- And the rascal said, "Ouch!
- You've got a half peter in you."
- I once had the wife of a Dean
- Seven times while the Dean was out ski'in'.
- She remarked with some gaiety,
- "Not bad for the laity,
- Though the Bishop once managed thirteen."
- There was an old man at the Terminus
- Whose bush and whose bum were all verminous.
- They said, "You sale Boche!
- You really must wash
- Before you start planting your sperm in us."
Part 1 of 7:
- There was a young man of Back Bay
- Who thought syphilis just went away,
- And felt that a chancre
- Was merely a canker
- Acquired in lascivious play.
Part 2 of 7:
- Now first he got acne vulgaris,
- The kind that is rampant in Paris,
- It covered his skin,
- From forehead to shin,
- And now people ask where his hair is.
Part 3 of 7:
- With symptoms increasing in number,
- His aorta's in need of a plumber,
- His heart is cavorting,
- His wife is aborting,
- And now he's acquired a gumma.
Part 4 of 7:
- Consider his terrible plight---
- His eyes won't react to the light,
- His hands are apraxic,
- His gait is ataxic,
- He's developing gun-barrel sight.
Part 5 of 7:
- His passions are strong, as before,
- But his penis is flaccid, and sore,
- His wife now has tabes
- And sabre-shinned babies---
- She's really worse off than a whore.
Part 6 of 7:
- There are pains in his belly and knees,
- His sphincters have gone by degrees,
- Parozysmal incontinence,
- With all its concomitants,
- Brings on quite unpredictable pees.
Part 7 of 7:
- Though treated in every known way,
- His spirochetes grow day by day,
- He's developed paresis,
- Converses with Jesus,
- And thinks he's the Queen of the May.
- The late Brigham Young was no neuter---
- No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter.
- Where ten thousand virgins
- Succumbed to his urgin's
- There now stands the great State of Utah.