Limericks o' the Day
- There was a young fellow named Paul
- Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
- But the size of my prick
- Is God's dirtiest trick,
- For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'"
- A beautiful lady named Psyche
- Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
- One thing about Ike
- The lady can't like
- Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
- A hermit who had an oasis
- Thought it the best of all places:
- He could pray and be calm
- 'Neath a pleasant date-palm,
- While the lice on his ballocks ran races.
- A geneticist living in Delft
- Scientifically played with himself,
- And when he was done
- He labeled it: Son,
- And filed it away on the shelf.
- There was a young man named Cattell
- Who knew psychophysics so well,
- That each time he shit
- He'd stop, measure it---
- It's length, and it's breadth, and it's smell.
- There once a woman from Clover
- Who really enjoyed to bend over.
- When a guy got behind her
- Jumped all up inside her
- And fucked 'til the whole day was over.
- There was a young man of Madras
- Who was fucking a girl in the grass,
- But the tropical sun
- Spoiled half of his fun
- By singeing the hair off his ass.
- There was a young lady of Gloucester
- Whose friends they thought they had lost her,
- Till they found on the grass
- The marks of her ass,
- And the knees of the man who had crossed her.
- A sweet young strip dancer named Jane
- Wore five inches of thin cellophane.
- When asked why she wore it
- She said, "I abhor it,
- But my juices would spatter like rain,"
- There was a young man of Loch Leven
- Who went for a walk about seven.
- He fell into a pit
- That was brimful of shit,
- And now the poor bugger's in heaven.
- There was an old harlot of Wick
- Who was sucking a coal-heaver's prick.
- She said, "I don't mind
- The coal dust and grime,
- But the smell of your balls makes me sick."
- Peter, first Duke of Orange
- Was limited to a miserable four-inch,
- But technique in a keyhole
- Developed his P-hole
- "Til at last it got caught in the door-hinge.
- There once was a lady from Salem
- Who used to take cocks and inhale 'em.
- The fruits of these feats:
- Pubic hairs from her teeth
- Were saved until Fall when she'd bale 'em.
- The ancient orthographer, Chisholm.
- Caused a lexicographical schism
- When he asked to know whether
- "Twere known which was better
- To use "g" or "j" to spell "jism."
- There was a young girl of Penzance
- Who boarded a bus in a trance.
- The passengers fucked her,
- Likewise the conductor.
- The driver shot off in his pants.
- The Shah of the Empire of Persia
- Lay for days in a sexual merger.
- When the nautch asked the Shah,
- "Won't you ever withdraw?"
- He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia."
- "My body, by my own admission,"
- I told him, "is in top condition."
- I said with a snigger,
- "I worship my figure."
- Then he tried to embrace my religion.
- In the Garden of Eden they dwelt;
- And on his right knee, Adam knelt.
- He said to his Eve,
- "Do you really love me?"
- And that's when she answered, "Who else?"
- I told her, "Your bank accounts knotted,
- You've spent so much more than alloted."
- She said with a yawn,
- "I'm not overdrawn,
- It's just simply an under-deposit!"
- Most all husbands can testify
- To a wedding they cannot deny.
- 'Cause they know where and when
- They got married, but then,
- What exactly escapes them is why.
- For the prick-naming prize of Pinole
- This year's winner was Daniel O'Dole.
- He will tell you with bonhommie,
- "I call mine 'Metonymy,'
- Because it's a part for the whole."
- You've heard of the Duchess of York,
- She's twice been blessed by the stork.
- The Duke will fuck
- Naught else but a duck,
- While the Duchess she frequents the park.
- A lonely young lad of Eton
- Used always to sleep with the heat on,
- Till he ran into a lass
- Who showed him her ass---
- Now they sleep with only a sheet on.
- There was a young girl named Maxine
- Whose vagina was wondrously clean:
- With her uterus packed
- She kept safe from attack
- With a dill pickle, papulous, green.
- There was a young lad from Nahant
- Who was made like the Sensitive Plant.
- When asked, "Do you fuck?"
- He replied, "No such luck.
- I would if I could but I can't."
- A young baseball fan named Miss Glend
- Was the home team's best rooter and friend,
- But for her the big league
- Never held the intrigue
- Of a bat with two ball at the end.
- There was a young lady of Bhore
- Who was courted by gallants galore.
- Their ardent protestin'
- She found interestin',
- And ended her life as a virgin.
- A certain young man of St. Paul
- Consistently practiced withdrawal.
- This quaint predilection
- Created such friction,
- He soon had no foreskin at all.
- There once was a lass from Seattle
- Who had a habit of sucking off cattle,
- 'Till a bull from the south
- Shot a load in her mouth
- And made her ovaries rattle!
- There once was a man from Dundee
- Who was fucking an ape in a tree.
- The results were most horrid:
- All ass and no forehead,
- Three balls and a purple goatee!
- There once was a man from Boston
- Who had a very small Austin.
- There was room for his ass
- And a gallon of gas,...
- His balls hung out and he lost 'em!