October 2000

Limericks o' the Day


There once was a man from Ealing
Who pounding his pud with great feeling,
Then, just like a trout
He stuck his tounge out
And caught all the drips from the ceiling.
Contributed by
Keith R.


A holiday guest on the coast
Ordered breakfast of beans upon toast.
When he left for the station,
His loud eructation
Embarrassed his well-meaning host.
Contributed by
Ian R.


I once met a lassie named Ruth
In a long distance telephone booth.
Now I know the perfection
Of an ideal connection
Even if somewhat uncouth.
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was a musician named Seagel
Who learned how to fine tune a beagle.
He held up the mutt,
And blew in it's butt,
The sound that came out was quite regal.
Contributed by
Larry P.


There is a young girl from Texas
Who says she knows what real sex is.
It's give and it's take,
But make no mistake,
A girl will give more ... for a Lexus!
Contributed by
Denise E.


I once knew a man from France
Who always wears very tight pants
Now because they are white
And incredibly tight...
You can see just how his cock cants.
Contributed by
Denise E.


I know Richard and Dorothy Mott,
Neighbors who liked to fox-trot.
When Dorothy took chances,
With fast-stepping dances,
Her nickname became "Polka Dot".
Contributed by
Jan M.


I heard that she'd never say no
To oral sex. Just 10 bucks a blow.
But when down on her knees,
I said, "Oh, baby, please
Move up, you're too low, that's my toe!"
Contributed by
Jan M.


I have travelled the whole world 'round,
And I've heard many questions profound,
But in old Bucharest,
This question was best:
"Would you like to start fooling around?"
Contributed by
Jan M.


A beautiful girl from the West
Had fake tits installed in her chest.
She told the young surgeon,
"Did you know I'm a virgin?"
Anesthesia put that to the test.
Contributed by
Jimmy M.


I don't mean to tarnish your cheer,
But old Santa Claus is a queer!
He fondles the elves,
Who pleasure themselves
With a bugger up old Santa's rear!
Contributed by
Jan M.


Here are neatly turned odes of small span,
Much concerned with our bodily plan,
And the intercorporeal,
Highly sensorial,
Love-life of woman and man.
Contributed by
Jan M.


Her sidesaddle progress was slow;
No tracker would rate her a pro.
Said Godiva, "I rode
While the townspeople, 'Oh'd',
Not to win or to place -- but to show!"
Contributed by
Jan M.


From the world, his discovery brought cheers;
From his wife, it drew nothing but tears.
"For you see," said Ms. Halley,
He used to come daily;
Now it's once every 76 years!"
Contributed by
Jan M.


Each night father fills me with dread
As he sits in the dark by my bed.
It's not that he speaks
In gibbers and squeaks,
It's the seventeen years he's been dead!
Contributed by
Jan M.


Dutch artists named Vincent and Joe,
Bought vans that cost lots of dough.
A street race was held,
As onlookers yelled,
"Just look at that Vincent van go!"
Contributed by
Jan M.


Bigamy, they say, is a vice,
And more than one spouse is not nice.
But one is a bore,
I'd prefer three or four,
For the plural of spouse must be spice!
Contributed by
Jan M.


Back in the days of old Adam
The grass served as mattress for madam.
And they spent the whole day
Having sex in a way
That would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em.
Contributed by
Jan M.


Goldilocks has lots of guys;
Pinnochio's one, I'm advised!
She sits on the puppet,
And sticks his nose right up it,
And makes the poor fellow tell lies!
Contributed by
Jan M.


The Reverend Comer ran away,
Left town this very day.
He has indigestion
That comes from the question,
"Who told my wife that I'm gay?"
Contributed by
Don C.


An insufferable writer named Wise,
Was finally cut down to size.
When his peers had enough,
And were sick of his guff,
They gave him the "Phew"litzer prize.
Contributed by
Jan M.


An astronomiss happily sang,
"I've been screwed by the telescope gang,
They all had a bit o' me,
For I'm the epitome
Of the grandly impressive Big Bang."
Contributed by
Jan M.


An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!
Contributed by
Jan M.


A redneck lay with his sister,
And bundled and nibbled and kissed her.
But the kid was so tight,
And it was deep night,
Though he shot at the target, he missed her.
Contributed by
Jan M.


A young lady born under Aries
Consults the stars each time she marries.
Although she gets hope
From each horoscope,
Her husbands turn out to be fairies.
Contributed by
Jan M.


A young bride and groom of Australia
Remarked as they joined genitalia:
"Though the system seems odd,
We are thankful that God
Developed the genus Mammalia."
Contributed by
Jan M.


A worried young man from Stamboul
Found red spots on the end of his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic!
And wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
Contributed by
Jan M.


A young lady who fancied a man some,
Was had three times in a handsome.
When she clamored for more,
Her man became sore,
And said, "My name's Simpson, not Sampson."
Contributed by
Jan M.


A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
She found a good way
To combine work with play:
She shells C shells by the seashore.
Contributed by
Jan M.


A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an interesting facsimile."
Contributed by
Jan M.


A tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor
"Is it harder to toot, or
To tutor two tooters to toot?"
Contributed by
Jan M.

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