Limericks o' the Day
- There once was a man from Ealing
- Who pounding his pud with great feeling,
- Then, just like a trout
- He stuck his tounge out
- And caught all the drips from the ceiling.
- A holiday guest on the coast
- Ordered breakfast of beans upon toast.
- When he left for the station,
- His loud eructation
- Embarrassed his well-meaning host.
- I once met a lassie named Ruth
- In a long distance telephone booth.
- Now I know the perfection
- Of an ideal connection
- Even if somewhat uncouth.
- There was a musician named Seagel
- Who learned how to fine tune a beagle.
- He held up the mutt,
- And blew in it's butt,
- The sound that came out was quite regal.
- There is a young girl from Texas
- Who says she knows what real sex is.
- It's give and it's take,
- But make no mistake,
- A girl will give more ... for a Lexus!
- I once knew a man from France
- Who always wears very tight pants
- Now because they are white
- And incredibly tight...
- You can see just how his cock cants.
- I know Richard and Dorothy Mott,
- Neighbors who liked to fox-trot.
- When Dorothy took chances,
- With fast-stepping dances,
- Her nickname became "Polka Dot".
- I heard that she'd never say no
- To oral sex. Just 10 bucks a blow.
- But when down on her knees,
- I said, "Oh, baby, please
- Move up, you're too low, that's my toe!"
- I have travelled the whole world 'round,
- And I've heard many questions profound,
- But in old Bucharest,
- This question was best:
- "Would you like to start fooling around?"
- A beautiful girl from the West
- Had fake tits installed in her chest.
- She told the young surgeon,
- "Did you know I'm a virgin?"
- Anesthesia put that to the test.
- I don't mean to tarnish your cheer,
- But old Santa Claus is a queer!
- He fondles the elves,
- Who pleasure themselves
- With a bugger up old Santa's rear!
- Here are neatly turned odes of small span,
- Much concerned with our bodily plan,
- And the intercorporeal,
- Highly sensorial,
- Love-life of woman and man.
- Her sidesaddle progress was slow;
- No tracker would rate her a pro.
- Said Godiva, "I rode
- While the townspeople, 'Oh'd',
- Not to win or to place -- but to show!"
- From the world, his discovery brought cheers;
- From his wife, it drew nothing but tears.
- "For you see," said Ms. Halley,
- He used to come daily;
- Now it's once every 76 years!"
- Each night father fills me with dread
- As he sits in the dark by my bed.
- It's not that he speaks
- In gibbers and squeaks,
- It's the seventeen years he's been dead!
- Dutch artists named Vincent and Joe,
- Bought vans that cost lots of dough.
- A street race was held,
- As onlookers yelled,
- "Just look at that Vincent van go!"
- Bigamy, they say, is a vice,
- And more than one spouse is not nice.
- But one is a bore,
- I'd prefer three or four,
- For the plural of spouse must be spice!
- Back in the days of old Adam
- The grass served as mattress for madam.
- And they spent the whole day
- Having sex in a way
- That would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em.
- Goldilocks has lots of guys;
- Pinnochio's one, I'm advised!
- She sits on the puppet,
- And sticks his nose right up it,
- And makes the poor fellow tell lies!
- The Reverend Comer ran away,
- Left town this very day.
- He has indigestion
- That comes from the question,
- "Who told my wife that I'm gay?"
- An insufferable writer named Wise,
- Was finally cut down to size.
- When his peers had enough,
- And were sick of his guff,
- They gave him the "Phew"litzer prize.
- An astronomiss happily sang,
- "I've been screwed by the telescope gang,
- They all had a bit o' me,
- For I'm the epitome
- Of the grandly impressive Big Bang."
- An accident really uncanny,
- Befell an unfortunate granny.
- She sat down in a chair
- While her false teeth were there,
- And bit herself right in the fanny!
- A redneck lay with his sister,
- And bundled and nibbled and kissed her.
- But the kid was so tight,
- And it was deep night,
- Though he shot at the target, he missed her.
- A young lady born under Aries
- Consults the stars each time she marries.
- Although she gets hope
- From each horoscope,
- Her husbands turn out to be fairies.
- A young bride and groom of Australia
- Remarked as they joined genitalia:
- "Though the system seems odd,
- We are thankful that God
- Developed the genus Mammalia."
- A worried young man from Stamboul
- Found red spots on the end of his tool.
- Said the doctor, a cynic,
- "Get out of my clinic!
- And wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
- A young lady who fancied a man some,
- Was had three times in a handsome.
- When she clamored for more,
- Her man became sore,
- And said, "My name's Simpson, not Sampson."
- A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
- Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
- She found a good way
- To combine work with play:
- She shells C shells by the seashore.
- A wanton young lady from Wimley
- Reproached for not acting quite primly
- Said, "Heavens above!
- I know sex isn't love,
- But it's such an interesting facsimile."
- A tutor who tooted the flute
- Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
- Said the two to the tutor
- "Is it harder to toot, or
- To tutor two tooters to toot?"