Limericks o' the Day
- A thrifty young fellow of Shoreham
- Made brown paper trousers and wore 'em.
- He looked nice and neat,
- Till he bent in the street
- To pick up a dime, then he tore 'em.
- A soldier known only as Sarge
- Had sex with a hooker named Marge.
- Though only a grunt,
- He assaulted her cunt,
- And gave her a honorable discharge.
- A rooster became quite dismayed,
- With an orange in a nest, well displayed.
- He called to his chicks,
- "Mom's up to her tricks!
- Look at the orange `marma-laid'."
- A promiscuous man from South France,
- Got green rings surrounding his lance.
- Said the doctor, "Some screw!
- There's nothing to do,
- Except watch it rot into your pants!"
- A pretty young maiden from France
- Decided she'd "just take a chance."
- She let herself go,
- For an hour or so,
- And now all her sisters are aunts.
- Poorer, but wiser is she,
- It cost her a trip 'cross the sea.
- But, she learned with great joy,
- Unlike an American Boy,
- Scots don't have to unzip to pee.
- A pretty young lady named Vogel
- Once sat herself down on a molehill.
- A curious mole
- Nosed into her hole --
- Ms. Vogel's OK, but the mole's ill.
- A notorious hooker named Shore
- Would allow horny sailors to score,
- But employed every means
- Of avoiding Marines-
- She was rotten, they claimed, to the Corps.
- A naked hang glider named Cass,
- Was practicing landings on grass.
- But she sailed past the lawn
- And landed upon
- The sidewalk and scratched up her fundament.
- A man with a fever so dire,
- Had testes which burned like a pyre.
- He was heard to exclaim,
- As they put out the flame,
- "Goodness gracious, great balls of fire."
- A Magdalen Dean of Divinity
- Had a daughter who kept her virginity,
- The Fellows of Magdalen
- They must have been dawdling
- 'Twould never have happened at Trinity.
- A little adultery spices
- Our lives, but just look at those prices!
- If they charge all that dough,
- Men can't buy it, you know,
- And there'll be a frustrational crisis.
- A hard-headed cabby named Peter
- Was asked by a fare if he'd eat her.
- He said, "It's not free.
- I will only agree
- To go down while I'm running the meter."
- A gigantic young crewman named Tate
- Has a pecker whose weight is so great
- That his dates fear to screw.
- What's a stroke oar to do?
- He's reduced to just pulling his weight.
- A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd,
- Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred,
- Had achieved some renown
- For her tone going down -
- There's a nice civil tongue in her head.
- A certain young chap named Bill Beebee
- Was in love with a lady named Phoebe.
- "But," he said, "I must see
- What the clerical fee
- Be before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee."
- A cautious young chemist named Mound
- Was surprised (but not hurt) when he found
- That A mixed with B
- In the presence of C
- Made a hole (ringed with dirt) in the ground.
- A burlesque dancer, a pip
- Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
- But she read science fiction
- And died of constriction
- Attempting a Moebius strip.
- A bugger who buggered some sheep
- Tried to bugger a ewe in her sleep.
- She awoke with a start
- And she ripped a great fart.
- Now he's covered in shit three feet deep.
- A broken-down lecher named Tupps
- Was heard to confess in his cups:
- "The height of my folly
- Was diddling a collie -
- But I got a nice price for the pups."
- A braunschweiger eater named Kurst,
- Thought that his stomach would burst.
- But his doctor said,
- "Nay! Your stomach's okay;
- I'd say that your liver is wurst."
- "You, choirboy!" ordered the pastor
- "Bend over the pew for your Master!"
- He said with a moan
- As he slipped him a bone.
- "Now just wag your tail a bit faster!"
- There was a young widow of Nain
- Who the bedclothes did frequently stain,
- With such great inflammation
- Came such menstruation,
- Her cunt so long idle had lain.
- Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?
- He was blown down the street by a rocket.
- The force of the blast
- Blew his balls up his ass,
- And his pecker was found in his pocket.
- Don't dip your wick in a Wac,
- Don't ride the breast of a Wave,
- Just sit in the sand
- And do it by hand,
- And buy bonds with the money you save.
- A habit obscene and bizarre
- Has taken a-hold of papa:
- He brings home young camels
- And other odd mammals,
- And gives them a go at mama.
- There was a bulldog named Caesar,
- Saw a cat and decided to tease 'er,
- But she scratched and she spit,
- Till the big bulldog quit,
- Now Caesar just sees 'er and flees 'er!.
- There waa a young lady named Gay,
- Who was asked to make love in the hay.
- She jumped at the chance
- And took off her pants,
- She was tickled to try it that way!
Contributed by Mortimer
- "The testes are cooler outside,"
- Said the doc to the curious bride,
- "For the semen must not
- Get too fucking hot,
- And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
- There was a young man, a Maltese,
- Who could even screw horses with ease.
- He'd flout natural laws
- In this manner because
- Of his dong, which hung down to his knees.
- To his bride said the keen-eyed detective,
- "Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
- Has your east tit the least bit
- The best of your west tit,
- Or is it the faulty perspective?"