Limericks o' the Day
- A cock of a fellow named Randall
- Shot sparks like a big Roman candle.
- He was much in demand,
- For the colors were grand,
- But the girls found him too hot to handle.
- John's testicles groaned and said, "Ouch!",
- As he fondled young Jane on the couch.
- Said the left, "I feel blue";
- Said the right one, "Me too",
- As they jiggled around in their pouch.
- A young corporate banker named Beatty
- Once had an affair with a lady.
- It wouldn't have been
- Such a sin, had she been
- A couple of years under eighty.
- There was a young curate of Kew
- Who kept a tom-cat in a pew.
- He taught it to speak
- Alphabetical Greek,
- But it never got further than Mu.
- Mr. Jones was a bass in the choir,
- Yet a man who loved "playing with fire"
- He wrestled a bear
- Who didn't play fair
- Now he's singing a full octave higher.
- There was a young girl of Bombay
- Who was put in the family way
- By the mate of a lugger,
- An ignorant bugger
- Who always spelled cunt with a K.
- There was a young maid of Klepper
- Went out one night with a stepper,
- And now in dismay
- She murmurs each day,
- "His pee-pee was made of red-pepper!"
- He looked and he saw and behold!
- She had tits that had broken the mold!
- He thought, "Oh, to touch...",
- But didn't do such,
- For, alas, she was just twelve years old.
- "It's true," confessed Jane, Lady Torres,
- "That often I beg lifts in lorries.
- When the men stop to piss
- I see things that I miss
- When I travel alone in my Morris."
- While the bill was debated, Miss Snyder
- Had a Senator thrusting inside her....
- To a knock at the door,
- She replied from the floor,
- "Go away - I'm attached to a rider!"
- There was a young man from St. James
- Who played the jolliest games.
- He lighted the rim
- Of his grandmother's quim,
- And laughed as she pissed through the flames.
- While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
- Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
- She explained, "They are flat,
- But think nothing of that --
- You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
- When the judge, with his wife having sport,
- Proved suddenly two inches short,
- The good woman declined,
- And the judge had her fined
- By proving contempt of the court.
- When the Duchess of Bagliofuente
- Took her fourteenth cavaliere servente
- The Duke said "Old chappy,
- I'll keep that cunt happy
- If I have to hire nineteen or twenty."
- When out on the warpath the Siouxs,
- March single file never by tiouxs,
- And by 'blazing' the trees,
- Can return at their ease,
- And their way through the forest ne'er liouxs.
- When our deficit descended to zero
- Our minister was considered a hero.
- He ascended the chancel
- But decided to cancel
- The sermon, and dance a Bolero.
- When I die, I just hope my main squeeze
- Stores my body in very deep freeze.
- Then when I thaw out,
- My nurses will shout,
- And it'll astound the MD's.
- When asked by the Duchess at tea
- If an eggplant I ever did see,
- I said "Yes," rather bored;
- She said, "Sir, you've explored
- Up a hen's ass much further than me."
- There once was a woman in China
- Who stuck dynamite up her vagina.
- She lit it on fire
- In suicidal ire.
- It blew her to South Carolina.
- When a corpulent spinster named Snow
- Was approached by a dwarf for a blow,
- She replied, "I have pride!
- Your request is denied!
- I could never, sir, stoop quite that low!"
- We've heard of that fellow named Blight,
- And his trip on that fabulous night,
- But his increasing mass
- Would have soon proved so vast
- He'd have been a most *singular* sight!
- We were painting the church steeple gray,
- When the wind blew our brushes away.
- We said to the pastor,
- "What a disaster!"
- He calmly replied, "Let us spray."
- There once was a guy from Toledo
- Who strained as he put on his speedo.
- He finally suceeded,
- But later conceded,
- "The damn thing, it kills my libido!"
- A fat man who couldn't be meaner
- Really liked to play with his weiner.
- After a day
- Of jerking away
- He found that his arms were much leaner.
- There once was a man named Hinckley
- Whose actions did certainly stinkley.
- He was such a pagan
- That he tried to kill Reagan
- To impress Jodie Foster, I thinkley.
- There was a chicken farmer from Hay,
- Who found his hens wouldn't lay;
- The trouble was Brewster,
- His champion rooster;
- You see, Brewster the rooster was gay!
- We thought we were going to die
- When the minister raised his arms high
- The benediction to say,
- But it wasn't his day,
- He'd forgotten to zip up his fly!
- We all know that tampons are spongey
- And oftentimes get rather grungy
- But why they have strings
- Among other things
- Is so that the crabs can all bungee.
- Undressing a maiden called Sue,
- Her seducer exclaimed, "If it's true
- That a nipple a day
- Keeps the doctor away,
- Think how healthy you must be with two!"
- Two fairies were flitting one day
- In the meadow where they liked to play,
- When the male made a pass
- At the other (a lass),
- Showing not quite all fairies are gay.
- Two starry eyed, reckless young beaux
- Were held up and robbed of their cleaux.
- While the weather is hot
- They won't miss them a lot,
- But what will they do when it sneaux?