May 2000

Limericks o' the Day


A cock of a fellow named Randall
Shot sparks like a big Roman candle.
He was much in demand,
For the colors were grand,
But the girls found him too hot to handle.
Contributed by
Larry M.


John's testicles groaned and said, "Ouch!",
As he fondled young Jane on the couch.
Said the left, "I feel blue";
Said the right one, "Me too",
As they jiggled around in their pouch.
Contributed by
Larry M.


A young corporate banker named Beatty
Once had an affair with a lady.
It wouldn't have been
Such a sin, had she been
A couple of years under eighty.
Contributed by
Trevor R.


There was a young curate of Kew
Who kept a tom-cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
Alphabetical Greek,
But it never got further than Mu.
Contributed by
Larry M.


Mr. Jones was a bass in the choir,
Yet a man who loved "playing with fire"
He wrestled a bear
Who didn't play fair
Now he's singing a full octave higher.
Contributed by
Larry M.


There was a young girl of Bombay
Who was put in the family way
By the mate of a lugger,
An ignorant bugger
Who always spelled cunt with a K.


There was a young maid of Klepper
Went out one night with a stepper,
And now in dismay
She murmurs each day,
"His pee-pee was made of red-pepper!"


He looked and he saw and behold!
She had tits that had broken the mold!
He thought, "Oh, to touch...",
But didn't do such,
For, alas, she was just twelve years old.
Contributed by
Tom A.


"It's true," confessed Jane, Lady Torres,
"That often I beg lifts in lorries.
When the men stop to piss
I see things that I miss
When I travel alone in my Morris."


While the bill was debated, Miss Snyder
Had a Senator thrusting inside her....
To a knock at the door,
She replied from the floor,
"Go away - I'm attached to a rider!"
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was a young man from St. James
Who played the jolliest games.
He lighted the rim
Of his grandmother's quim,
And laughed as she pissed through the flames.
Contributed by
Chris A.


While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
She explained, "They are flat,
But think nothing of that --
You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
Contributed by
Jan M.


When the judge, with his wife having sport,
Proved suddenly two inches short,
The good woman declined,
And the judge had her fined
By proving contempt of the court.
Contributed by
Jan M.


When the Duchess of Bagliofuente
Took her fourteenth cavaliere servente
The Duke said "Old chappy,
I'll keep that cunt happy
If I have to hire nineteen or twenty."
Contributed by
Jan M.


When out on the warpath the Siouxs,
March single file never by tiouxs,
And by 'blazing' the trees,
Can return at their ease,
And their way through the forest ne'er liouxs.
Contributed by
Jan M.


When our deficit descended to zero
Our minister was considered a hero.
He ascended the chancel
But decided to cancel
The sermon, and dance a Bolero.
Contributed by
Jan M.


When I die, I just hope my main squeeze
Stores my body in very deep freeze.
Then when I thaw out,
My nurses will shout,
And it'll astound the MD's.
Contributed by
Jan M.


When asked by the Duchess at tea
If an eggplant I ever did see,
I said "Yes," rather bored;
She said, "Sir, you've explored
Up a hen's ass much further than me."
Contributed by
Jan M.


There once was a woman in China
Who stuck dynamite up her vagina.
She lit it on fire
In suicidal ire.
It blew her to South Carolina.
Contributed by
Joshua K.


When a corpulent spinster named Snow
Was approached by a dwarf for a blow,
She replied, "I have pride!
Your request is denied!
I could never, sir, stoop quite that low!"
Contributed by
Jan M.


We've heard of that fellow named Blight,
And his trip on that fabulous night,
But his increasing mass
Would have soon proved so vast
He'd have been a most *singular* sight!
Contributed by
Jan M.


We were painting the church steeple gray,
When the wind blew our brushes away.
We said to the pastor,
"What a disaster!"
He calmly replied, "Let us spray."
Contributed by
Jan M.


There once was a guy from Toledo
Who strained as he put on his speedo.
He finally suceeded,
But later conceded,
"The damn thing, it kills my libido!"
Contributed by


A fat man who couldn't be meaner
Really liked to play with his weiner.
After a day
Of jerking away
He found that his arms were much leaner.
Contributed by
Joshua K.


There once was a man named Hinckley
Whose actions did certainly stinkley.
He was such a pagan
That he tried to kill Reagan
To impress Jodie Foster, I thinkley.
Contributed by
Joshua K.


There was a chicken farmer from Hay,
Who found his hens wouldn't lay;
The trouble was Brewster,
His champion rooster;
You see, Brewster the rooster was gay!
Contributed by
Larry M.


We thought we were going to die
When the minister raised his arms high
The benediction to say,
But it wasn't his day,
He'd forgotten to zip up his fly!
Contributed by
Jan M.


We all know that tampons are spongey
And oftentimes get rather grungy
But why they have strings
Among other things
Is so that the crabs can all bungee.
Contributed by
Jan M.


Undressing a maiden called Sue,
Her seducer exclaimed, "If it's true
That a nipple a day
Keeps the doctor away,
Think how healthy you must be with two!"
Contributed by
Jan M.


Two fairies were flitting one day
In the meadow where they liked to play,
When the male made a pass
At the other (a lass),
Showing not quite all fairies are gay.
Contributed by
Larry M.


Two starry eyed, reckless young beaux
Were held up and robbed of their cleaux.
While the weather is hot
They won't miss them a lot,
But what will they do when it sneaux?
Contributed by
Jan M.

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