Limericks o' the Day
- Two school-kids around Aberystwyth
- Made love with the lips that they kissed with
- But as they got older
- They also grew bolder
- Making love with the things that they pissed with
- Two lesbians north of the town
- Made sixty-nine love on the ground.
- Their unbridled lust
- Leaked out in the dust
- And made so much mud that they drowned.
- Two fussy old queers from Algiers
- Were flustered and almost in tears,
- For the buggers had spent
- What they needed for rent,
- And their landlord had said, "No arrears!"
- Two elephants Harry and Faye--
- Couldn't kiss with their trunks in the way,
- So they boarded a plane,
- They're now kissing in Maine,
- 'Cause their trunks got sent on to L.A.
- Tom Doane, an elderly jockey,
- Hung up his spurs and felt cocky.
- "I've got saddle galls
- On both of my balls."
- But the doctor wrote down, "Gonococci."
- To the builder, the younger King Tut
- The loan institutions were shut
- "To build pyramids
- Takes quids upon quids
- And those rocks are a pain in the butt."
- To Stan, Ginger whined and then sighed.
- Her vibrator battery died.
- She got off instead
- With ten minutes of head,
- Then she gave Stan's old willie a ride!
- Two roosters were bragging away,
- Of their talent for waking the day.
- As they stood there aghast,
- Dawn sneaked quietly past,
- And was announced by a donkey's loud bray.
- To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective,
- "Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
- Is your east tit the least bit
- The best of your west tit,
- Or is it a trick of perspective?"
- To care for those stricken with gout:
- To soothe the fear and the doubt
- 'Twas her ambition, she
- Always wanted to be
- A nurse, but it didn't pan out.
- To be brief, the great action was done
- There was artfully planted a son
- Through a bodkin that filled her,
- And wonderfully thrilled her
- More fun than a son of a gun.
- There once was a man from Trinity
- Who took his sister's virginity.
- He fathered his mother
- And buggered his father,
- And still got a First in Divinity.
- The sultan got sore at his harem
- And thought up this plan for to scare 'em:
- He caught a wee mouse
- Which he loosed in the house
- The confusion is called harem-scarem.
- A simple young farmer of Bray
- Met a lass in his hayfield one day.
- Said he, "If you want,
- We could share a croissant,"
- For he'd heard about rolls in the hay.
- Thus endeth my lim'ricks, part two.
- What next, you may ask, will I do?
- Perhaps something bawdy,
- Obscene, or just nawdy.
- Who knows? If I don't, how can you?
- Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz,
- Was to do what man normally does,
- She declared, "I'm a Soul
- Not a sexual goal!"
- So he shrugged and called someone who was.
- This little throne we call our own
- And we try to keep it neat;
- So please be kind
- With your behind
- And don't shit on the seat.
- They say that ex-president Taft
- When hit by a golf ball, once laughed
- And said, "I'm not sore,
- But although he called "Fore'
- The place where he hit me was aft."
- There's a sports-minded coed named Sue
- Who's been coxing the varsity crew.
- In the shell, Sue is great,
- But her boyfriend's irate
- When she calls out the stroke as they screw.
- There's a man in the city of Dublin
- Whose prick is always him troublin',
- And it's now come to this,
- That he can't go to piss,
- But the spunk with the piddle comes bubblin'.
- There was an old whore from Castile,
- Whose favors were thought quite a deal.
- But the men that she screws,
- All start singing the blues
- When their pricks start to blister and peel.
- There was an old sarge of Dorchester
- Who invented a mechanical whore-tester.
- With an electrical eye,
- His tool, and a die,
- He observed each sore pimple and fester.
- There was an old man
- From Peru, whose lim'ricks all
- Look'd like haiku. He
- Said with a laugh "I
- Cut them in half, the pay is
- Much better for two."
- A taxi cab whore out at Ivor
- Did the round trip for a fiver
- Quite reasonable too
- For a sightsee and screw
- With a fifty pence tip to the driver.
- There was an old man of the port
- Whose prick was remarkably short.
- When he got into bed,
- The old woman said,
- "This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
- There was a young man named Houdini,
- Who spilled some gin on his weenie.
- So just to be couth,
- He added vermouth,
- Then slipped his girl a martini.
- There was an old man of Duluth
- Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
- He fucked with his nose,
- And his fingers and toes,
- And he came through a hole in his tooth.
- There was an old man named Peach,
- Who mislaid his pearly false teeth.
- Laid 'em down in a chair,
- Plumb forgot they were there,
- Then sat down and got bit from beneath!
- There was an old maid of Duluth
- Who wept when she thought of her youth,
- And the glorious chances
- She`s missed at school dances,
- And once in a telephone booth.
- There was an old fellow named Paul
- Whose prick was exceedingly small
- When in bed with a lay
- He could screw her all day
- Without touching the vaginal wall.