June 2000

Limericks o' the Day


Two school-kids around Aberystwyth
Made love with the lips that they kissed with
But as they got older
They also grew bolder
Making love with the things that they pissed with
Contributed by
Jan M.


Two lesbians north of the town
Made sixty-nine love on the ground.
Their unbridled lust
Leaked out in the dust
And made so much mud that they drowned.
Contributed by
Jan M.


Two fussy old queers from Algiers
Were flustered and almost in tears,
For the buggers had spent
What they needed for rent,
And their landlord had said, "No arrears!"
Contributed by
Jan M.


Two elephants Harry and Faye--
Couldn't kiss with their trunks in the way,
So they boarded a plane,
They're now kissing in Maine,
'Cause their trunks got sent on to L.A.
Contributed by
Jan M.


Tom Doane, an elderly jockey,
Hung up his spurs and felt cocky.
"I've got saddle galls
On both of my balls."
But the doctor wrote down, "Gonococci."
Contributed by
Jan M.


To the builder, the younger King Tut
The loan institutions were shut
"To build pyramids
Takes quids upon quids
And those rocks are a pain in the butt."
Contributed by
Jan M.


To Stan, Ginger whined and then sighed.
Her vibrator battery died.
She got off instead
With ten minutes of head,
Then she gave Stan's old willie a ride!
Contributed by
Jan M.


Two roosters were bragging away,
Of their talent for waking the day.
As they stood there aghast,
Dawn sneaked quietly past,
And was announced by a donkey's loud bray.
Contributed by
Jan M.


To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective,
"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
Is your east tit the least bit
The best of your west tit,
Or is it a trick of perspective?"
Contributed by
Jan M.


To care for those stricken with gout:
To soothe the fear and the doubt
'Twas her ambition, she
Always wanted to be
A nurse, but it didn't pan out.
Contributed by
Jan M.


To be brief, the great action was done
There was artfully planted a son
Through a bodkin that filled her,
And wonderfully thrilled her
More fun than a son of a gun.
Contributed by
Jan M.


There once was a man from Trinity
Who took his sister's virginity.
He fathered his mother
And buggered his father,
And still got a First in Divinity.
Contributed by


The sultan got sore at his harem
And thought up this plan for to scare 'em:
He caught a wee mouse
Which he loosed in the house
The confusion is called harem-scarem.
Contributed by
Larry M.


A simple young farmer of Bray
Met a lass in his hayfield one day.
Said he, "If you want,
We could share a croissant,"
For he'd heard about rolls in the hay.
Contributed by
Pres G.


Thus endeth my lim'ricks, part two.
What next, you may ask, will I do?
Perhaps something bawdy,
Obscene, or just nawdy.
Who knows? If I don't, how can you?
Contributed by
Jan M.


Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz,
Was to do what man normally does,
She declared, "I'm a Soul
Not a sexual goal!"
So he shrugged and called someone who was.
Contributed by
Jan M.


This little throne we call our own
And we try to keep it neat;
So please be kind
With your behind
And don't shit on the seat.
Contributed by
Jan M.


They say that ex-president Taft
When hit by a golf ball, once laughed
And said, "I'm not sore,
But although he called "Fore'
The place where he hit me was aft."
Contributed by
Jan M.


There's a sports-minded coed named Sue
Who's been coxing the varsity crew.
In the shell, Sue is great,
But her boyfriend's irate
When she calls out the stroke as they screw.
Contributed by
Jan M.


There's a man in the city of Dublin
Whose prick is always him troublin',
And it's now come to this,
That he can't go to piss,
But the spunk with the piddle comes bubblin'.
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was an old whore from Castile,
Whose favors were thought quite a deal.
But the men that she screws,
All start singing the blues
When their pricks start to blister and peel.
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was an old sarge of Dorchester
Who invented a mechanical whore-tester.
With an electrical eye,
His tool, and a die,
He observed each sore pimple and fester.
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was an old man
From Peru, whose lim'ricks all
Look'd like haiku. He
Said with a laugh "I
Cut them in half, the pay is
Much better for two."
Contributed by
Jan M.


A taxi cab whore out at Ivor
Did the round trip for a fiver
Quite reasonable too
For a sightsee and screw
With a fifty pence tip to the driver.
Contributed by
Keith R.


There was an old man of the port
Whose prick was remarkably short.
When he got into bed,
The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was a young man named Houdini,
Who spilled some gin on his weenie.
So just to be couth,
He added vermouth,
Then slipped his girl a martini.
Contributed by
Robert F.


There was an old man of Duluth
Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
He fucked with his nose,
And his fingers and toes,
And he came through a hole in his tooth.
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was an old man named Peach,
Who mislaid his pearly false teeth.
Laid 'em down in a chair,
Plumb forgot they were there,
Then sat down and got bit from beneath!
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was an old maid of Duluth
Who wept when she thought of her youth,
And the glorious chances
She`s missed at school dances,
And once in a telephone booth.
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was an old fellow named Paul
Whose prick was exceedingly small
When in bed with a lay
He could screw her all day
Without touching the vaginal wall.
Contributed by
Jan M.

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