Limericks o' the Day
Part 1 of 2:
- There was an old girl in Havana
- Who slipped on the skin of a banana,
- Whoops! Went her feet,
- And she fell on her seat,
- In a most unladylike manner.
- Another old lady named Hannah,
- Slipped on that same derned banana,
- As she lay on her side,
- More stars she spied
- Than there are in the Star-Spangled Banner.
- There was a young woman of Sydney
- Who could take it clear up to the kidney
- But the thrust of Alphonse
- Barely reached to her mons
- So he left her unsatisfied didn't he?
- There was a young whore from Kaloo
- Who filled her vagina with glue.
- She said with a grin,
- "If they pay to get in,
- They can pay to get out again too!"
- There was a young Scotchman named Jock
- Who had a most horrible shock:
- He once took a shit
- In a leaf-covered pit,
- And the crap sprung a trap on his cock.
- There was a young royal marine,
- Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen".
- When he reached the soprano
- Out came only guano
- And his britches weren't fit to be seen.
- There was a young mouse named Gracian.
- As a lifeguard he was a sensation.
- All the lady mice raved,
- And screamed to be saved,
- By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation!
- There was a young man whose dong
- Was prodigiously, massively long
- Down the sides of his whang,
- Two testes did hang
- Which attracted a curious throng.
- There was a young man from St. Paul's
- Who read Harper's Bazaar and McCall's
- Till he grew such a passion
- For feminine fashion
- That he knitted a snood for his balls.
- There was a young man from Tucker,
- Who met a young lady named Smucker.
- A hotel room they rented,
- The arrangements contented,
- But after reading a flyer on sexually transmitted diseases they took in a movie instead.
- There was a young man from Pitlocherie,
- Making love to his girl in the rockery,
- She said look you've cum,
- All over my bum,
- This isn't a shag it's a mockery.
- There was a young man from Cape Horn
- Who wished he had never been born.
- He wouldn't have been
- If his father had seen
- That the end of his condom was torn!
- There was a young lady named Sutton
- Who said as she carved up the mutton.
- "My father preferred
- The last sheep in the herd;
- This is one of his children I'm cutting."
- There was a young lady of Durbar
- Who swore that no man could curb'er,
- But a man from Khartoum
- Knocked the top off her womb
- With a fifteen inch kidney disturber!
- There was a young lady from Chisworth
- Who asked a young man "What is this worth?",
- As she lifted her skirt,
- He became quite alert
- And declared "All I possess on this earth!"
- There once was a puppy named Grover
- Who lived in a city called Dover.
- His master was odd,
- And fed him green cod,
- Then flattened him with his LandRover.
The Chihuahua Man
- There once was a young man named McNameter
- Who had a penis of prodigious diameter.
- But it was not his size
- That gave girls surprise,
- It was his rhythm, iambic pentameter.
Percival K. B.
- There was an old man from China
- Who wasn't a very good climber.
- He slipped on a brick
- Which severed his prick
- And now he has a vagina.
- There was a young lady named Kinter,
- Who married a man in the winter.
- The man's name was Wood,
- And now, as they should,
- The Woods have a cute little "splinter".
- A mean and odiferous punk
- Ate Limberger cheese by the chunk.
- Combined with BO,
- And the farts that he'd blow,
- It was worse than a run over skunk.
- There was a young lady named Claire
- Who possessed a magnificent pair;
- Or that's what I thought
- 'Til I saw one get caught
- On a thorn, and begin to lose air.
- There was a young lady from Natches
- Who chanced to be born with two snatches.
- And she often said "Shit,
- Why, I'd give my left tit
- For a man with equipment that matches".
- A young lady from Madras
- Who had such a beautiful ass.
- Not rounded and pink,
- As you probably think,
- But grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
- There was a young lady from Exeter,
- And all the young men threw their sex at her.
- So, just to be rude,
- She would lie about nude,
- While her parrot, a pervert, took pecks at her.
- There was a young girl of Spitzbergen
- Where people all thought her a virgin,
- Till they found her in bed,
- With her quim very red,
- And the head of a kid just emergin'.
- There was a young girl of Angina
- Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
- From the love-making frock,
- (With the proper sized cock)
- Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
- There was a young gambler named Brock,
- Who ordered a bundle of stock.
- The stockbroker fumbled;
- The stock market tumbled,
- And now Mr. Brock is in hock.
- There was a young dentist Malone
- Had a charming girl patient alone.
- But in his depravity
- He filled the wrong cavity,
- God, how his practice has grown!
- There was a young corporal named Kildare
- Who was fondling a girl in a chair.
- On the forty third stroke,
- The furniture broke,
- And his gun went off in the air.
- There was a hooker from Honchu
- Who on peckers and penises did chew.
- Said a friend, "Why don't you
- Have them stick it to you,
- Then you could enjoy the sex too".
- There was a homemaker named Pat,
- Who couldn't sew, knit or tat.
- She baked bread for the fair,
- Won a blue ribbon there,
- And said, "Thank you, I kneaded that!"