July 2000

Limericks o' the Day

Part 1 of 2:

There was an old girl in Havana
Who slipped on the skin of a banana,
Whoops! Went her feet,
And she fell on her seat,
In a most unladylike manner.
Contributed by
Jan M.


Another old lady named Hannah,
Slipped on that same derned banana,
As she lay on her side,
More stars she spied
Than there are in the Star-Spangled Banner.
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was a young woman of Sydney
Who could take it clear up to the kidney
But the thrust of Alphonse
Barely reached to her mons
So he left her unsatisfied didn't he?
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was a young whore from Kaloo
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They can pay to get out again too!"
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was a young Scotchman named Jock
Who had a most horrible shock:
He once took a shit
In a leaf-covered pit,
And the crap sprung a trap on his cock.
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was a young royal marine,
Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen".
When he reached the soprano
Out came only guano
And his britches weren't fit to be seen.
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was a young mouse named Gracian.
As a lifeguard he was a sensation.
All the lady mice raved,
And screamed to be saved,
By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation!
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was a young man whose dong
Was prodigiously, massively long
Down the sides of his whang,
Two testes did hang
Which attracted a curious throng.
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was a young man from St. Paul's
Who read Harper's Bazaar and McCall's
Till he grew such a passion
For feminine fashion
That he knitted a snood for his balls.
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was a young man from Tucker,
Who met a young lady named Smucker.
A hotel room they rented,
The arrangements contented,
But after reading a flyer on sexually transmitted diseases they took in a movie instead.
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was a young man from Pitlocherie,
Making love to his girl in the rockery,
She said look you've cum,
All over my bum,
This isn't a shag it's a mockery.
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was a young man from Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born.
He wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of his condom was torn!
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was a young lady named Sutton
Who said as she carved up the mutton.
"My father preferred
The last sheep in the herd;
This is one of his children I'm cutting."
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was a young lady of Durbar
Who swore that no man could curb'er,
But a man from Khartoum
Knocked the top off her womb
With a fifteen inch kidney disturber!
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was a young lady from Chisworth
Who asked a young man "What is this worth?",
As she lifted her skirt,
He became quite alert
And declared "All I possess on this earth!"
Contributed by


There once was a puppy named Grover
Who lived in a city called Dover.
His master was odd,
And fed him green cod,
Then flattened him with his LandRover.
Contributed by
The Chihuahua Man


There once was a young man named McNameter
Who had a penis of prodigious diameter.
But it was not his size
That gave girls surprise,
It was his rhythm, iambic pentameter.
Contributed by
Percival K. B.


There was an old man from China
Who wasn't a very good climber.
He slipped on a brick
Which severed his prick
And now he has a vagina.
Contributed by
B. Law


There was a young lady named Kinter,
Who married a man in the winter.
The man's name was Wood,
And now, as they should,
The Woods have a cute little "splinter".
Contributed by
Jan M.


A mean and odiferous punk
Ate Limberger cheese by the chunk.
Combined with BO,
And the farts that he'd blow,
It was worse than a run over skunk.
Contributed by


There was a young lady named Claire
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
Or that's what I thought
'Til I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin to lose air.
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was a young lady from Natches
Who chanced to be born with two snatches.
And she often said "Shit,
Why, I'd give my left tit
For a man with equipment that matches".
Contributed by
Jan M.


A young lady from Madras
Who had such a beautiful ass.
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think,
But grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was a young lady from Exeter,
And all the young men threw their sex at her.
So, just to be rude,
She would lie about nude,
While her parrot, a pervert, took pecks at her.
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was a young girl of Spitzbergen
Where people all thought her a virgin,
Till they found her in bed,
With her quim very red,
And the head of a kid just emergin'.
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was a young girl of Angina
Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
From the love-making frock,
(With the proper sized cock)
Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was a young gambler named Brock,
Who ordered a bundle of stock.
The stockbroker fumbled;
The stock market tumbled,
And now Mr. Brock is in hock.
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was a young dentist Malone
Had a charming girl patient alone.
But in his depravity
He filled the wrong cavity,
God, how his practice has grown!
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was a young corporal named Kildare
Who was fondling a girl in a chair.
On the forty third stroke,
The furniture broke,
And his gun went off in the air.
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was a hooker from Honchu
Who on peckers and penises did chew.
Said a friend, "Why don't you
Have them stick it to you,
Then you could enjoy the sex too".
Contributed by
Jan M.


There was a homemaker named Pat,
Who couldn't sew, knit or tat.
She baked bread for the fair,
Won a blue ribbon there,
And said, "Thank you, I kneaded that!"
Contributed by
Jan M.

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