Limericks o' the Day
- A cross-eyed young stud fond of sewing
- Was found out at sea, gently rowing.
- Two whores he had with him
- Claimed though he had rhythm
- Couldn't say he was coming or going.
- A father and son name of Perkins.
- Trichologists, coifed all the merkins
- Of the ladies in waiting.
- Then, extrapolating,
- They pickled them all with their gherkins.
- There once was a dyke name of Sue,
- Who loved to take girls out to screw.
- I'd never defame her---
- Can't say that I blame her---
- You see, I'm a lesbian, too!
- Old Gomez did naught to elate
- The heirs to his massive estate,
- From a trip to the Prado
- He'd returned a castrato
- And then quietly died -- intestate.
- The god Thor told the whore he was with
- Who he was, hence his great monolith.
- She exclaimed, "You ARE Thor!",
- When they got off the floor,
- "I'm tho thore I don't think I can pith!"
- Old Pontius instilled abject fear;
- As a Pilate, he was without peer.
- Was he sent back to Rome? No!
- Yet he said, "Ecce Homo!"
- Did he think that Christ (Jesus) was queer?
- I must say that I haven't the heart
- To tell George that he smells like a fart;
- Or impart to his wife,
- Who's the love of his life,
- That she's only a silly old tart.
- A randy young fellow with moxie
- Fucked a fat, syphilitic old doxie.
- When he looked 'tween her knees
- And saw millions of fleas,
- He regretted not fucking by proxy.
- There was an old codger named Wright
- Who did nasty things just for spite.
- He knocked up his daughter
- And then tried to abort her
- By biting her tits in the night.
- A disgusting young harlot, Louise,
- Had cunt hair right down to her knees.
- The crabs in her twat
- Tied her hair in a knot
- And constructed a flying trapeeze.
- A limerick's a poetic antic
- With undertones that are semantic.
- It's best if it's rude,
- Or crude, or just lewd,
- And its meter is frequently frantic.
- I remember consulting a Buddhist
- About limericks that he thought the lewdest.
- He replied as he leered,
- "I like them quite weird:
- They must deal with a fully dressed nudist."
- There was a young girl nicknamed Noodle
- Who'd fuck for merely a strudel.
- With her ass in the air,
- She'd buck like a mare,
- Too bad she was only a poodle.
- An Irishman name of O'Rourke,
- Who hailed from the county of Cork,
- Swore that though he was wild,
- He was without child
- 'Cause he thought kids were brought by the stork.
- A milkmaid whose name was McLeod
- Was pectorally quite well endowed.
- The size of her bust
- Would fill men with lust,
- But 'twas women whom she really cowed.
- There once was a man from Deep River,
- Who drank till he ruined his liver.
- He'd drink, then he'd drive
- (He's no longer alive)
- And he ended his days all aquiver.
- There once was a monk from Tibet,
- Who said to a woman he met,
- "You may find this odd,
- But I'm One with God,
- And HE wants to fondle your set!"
- A Chester man sure loved his scotch. Oh,
- He thought it made him feel so macho.
- One night when he binged
- He came really unhinged,
- So now he drinks only gazpacho.
- A man from the Island of Rhode
- Loves a toasty slug, snake, frog, or toad.
- He hates them when dusty,
- Demands them quite crusty,
- Unless they are served a la mode.
- The drugs that we use when we're ailin'
- Go by different names for retailin'
- Tylenol's acetamenophen.
- Advil's Ibuprofen.
- And Viagra is Mycoxafailin.
- Alas for the heftier women!
- There's no class when your ass is a brimmin'.
- It's refined when you dine,
- To lift less with the tine,
- And the torso would find it more slimmin'.
- Let's all cheer for L'Arts de Sade.
- Who says it should be outlawed?
- To whip ya and chain ya
- And otherwise pain ya
- Till you're feeling quite thoroughly pawed.
- Thoughts on the word "cunt", if you please...
- Some say it's vulgar and feel ill at ease.
- Yet a "prick" or a "cock"
- Elicits no shock.
- Why should cunt be any different than these?
- An old man who lived by the Nile
- Had dysfunction that was erectile.
- They grafted a boner
- From an equine donor.
- Now all the girls give him a smile.
- "What the hell is this stuff!",
- Wailed an irate Peter McDuff.
- "You twiddle my prick,
- Get it stiff as a stick,
- Then deny me the use of your muff!?!"
A response to the LOD of 1/23/00:
- If I may be brutally blunt,
- A prick or a cock is no cunt.
- Some call it a box
- For the storage of cocks,
- Whose insertion elicits a grunt.
- A sculptor named Auguste Rodin
- Did a sculpture once of a man.
- He called him "The Thinker,"
- I call him "The Stinker" --
- You can see he sits right on the can.
- A werewolf whose name was Malone
- Liked to dig up then gnaw on a bone.
- "His tastes were lupine,
- And now he's supine"
- Are the words carved into his headstone.
- A Marine sergeant named William Cox
- Made confession, then died in the box.
- His Fidelis was Semper,
- He died of distemper,
- But some said he'd died of the pox.
- There's a man in New York name of Bobby
- Who's delight in himself was his hobby.
- He rode the lift down,
- While "a goin' to town".
- He arrived when he came at the lobby.
- Our Bob likes to play with his zipper.
- It's his secret for staying so chipper.
- But he best take more care,
- Or himself he'll ensare.
- Then button style will seem much more hipper.