January 2000

Limericks o' the Day


A cross-eyed young stud fond of sewing
Was found out at sea, gently rowing.
Two whores he had with him
Claimed though he had rhythm
Couldn't say he was coming or going.
Contributed by
Laurence U.


A father and son name of Perkins.
Trichologists, coifed all the merkins
Of the ladies in waiting.
Then, extrapolating,
They pickled them all with their gherkins.
Contributed by
Laurence U.


There once was a dyke name of Sue,
Who loved to take girls out to screw.
I'd never defame her---
Can't say that I blame her---
You see, I'm a lesbian, too!
Contributed by
Laurence U.


Old Gomez did naught to elate
The heirs to his massive estate,
From a trip to the Prado
He'd returned a castrato
And then quietly died -- intestate.
Contributed by
Laurence U.


The god Thor told the whore he was with
Who he was, hence his great monolith.
She exclaimed, "You ARE Thor!",
When they got off the floor,
"I'm tho thore I don't think I can pith!"
Contributed by
Laurence U.


Old Pontius instilled abject fear;
As a Pilate, he was without peer.
Was he sent back to Rome? No!
Yet he said, "Ecce Homo!"
Did he think that Christ (Jesus) was queer?
Contributed by
Laurence U.


I must say that I haven't the heart
To tell George that he smells like a fart;
Or impart to his wife,
Who's the love of his life,
That she's only a silly old tart.
Contributed by
Laurence U.


A randy young fellow with moxie
Fucked a fat, syphilitic old doxie.
When he looked 'tween her knees
And saw millions of fleas,
He regretted not fucking by proxy.
Contributed by
Laurence U.


There was an old codger named Wright
Who did nasty things just for spite.
He knocked up his daughter
And then tried to abort her
By biting her tits in the night.


A disgusting young harlot, Louise,
Had cunt hair right down to her knees.
The crabs in her twat
Tied her hair in a knot
And constructed a flying trapeeze.
Contributed by
Shannon B.


A limerick's a poetic antic
With undertones that are semantic.
It's best if it's rude,
Or crude, or just lewd,
And its meter is frequently frantic.
Contributed by
Laurence U.


I remember consulting a Buddhist
About limericks that he thought the lewdest.
He replied as he leered,
"I like them quite weird:
They must deal with a fully dressed nudist."
Contributed by
Laurence U.


There was a young girl nicknamed Noodle
Who'd fuck for merely a strudel.
With her ass in the air,
She'd buck like a mare,
Too bad she was only a poodle.
Contributed by
Baxter A.


An Irishman name of O'Rourke,
Who hailed from the county of Cork,
Swore that though he was wild,
He was without child
'Cause he thought kids were brought by the stork.
Contributed by
Laurence U.


A milkmaid whose name was McLeod
Was pectorally quite well endowed.
The size of her bust
Would fill men with lust,
But 'twas women whom she really cowed.
Contributed by
Laurence U.


There once was a man from Deep River,
Who drank till he ruined his liver.
He'd drink, then he'd drive
(He's no longer alive)
And he ended his days all aquiver.
Contributed by
Laurence U.


There once was a monk from Tibet,
Who said to a woman he met,
"You may find this odd,
But I'm One with God,
And HE wants to fondle your set!"
Contributed by
Vishnu I.


A Chester man sure loved his scotch. Oh,
He thought it made him feel so macho.
One night when he binged
He came really unhinged,
So now he drinks only gazpacho.
Contributed by
Laurence U.


A man from the Island of Rhode
Loves a toasty slug, snake, frog, or toad.
He hates them when dusty,
Demands them quite crusty,
Unless they are served a la mode.
Contributed by
Laurence U.


The drugs that we use when we're ailin'
Go by different names for retailin'
Tylenol's acetamenophen.
Advil's Ibuprofen.
And Viagra is Mycoxafailin.
Contributed by


Alas for the heftier women!
There's no class when your ass is a brimmin'.
It's refined when you dine,
To lift less with the tine,
And the torso would find it more slimmin'.
Contributed by


Let's all cheer for L'Arts de Sade.
Who says it should be outlawed?
To whip ya and chain ya
And otherwise pain ya
Till you're feeling quite thoroughly pawed.
Contributed by


Thoughts on the word "cunt", if you please...
Some say it's vulgar and feel ill at ease.
Yet a "prick" or a "cock"
Elicits no shock.
Why should cunt be any different than these?
Contributed by


An old man who lived by the Nile
Had dysfunction that was erectile.
They grafted a boner
From an equine donor.
Now all the girls give him a smile.
Contributed by
Laurence U.


"What the hell is this stuff!",
Wailed an irate Peter McDuff.
"You twiddle my prick,
Get it stiff as a stick,
Then deny me the use of your muff!?!"
Contributed by
André G.

A response to the LOD of 1/23/00:

If I may be brutally blunt,
A prick or a cock is no cunt.
Some call it a box
For the storage of cocks,
Whose insertion elicits a grunt.
Contributed by
Laurence U.


A sculptor named Auguste Rodin
Did a sculpture once of a man.
He called him "The Thinker,"
I call him "The Stinker" --
You can see he sits right on the can.
Contributed by
Laurence U.


A werewolf whose name was Malone
Liked to dig up then gnaw on a bone.
"His tastes were lupine,
And now he's supine"
Are the words carved into his headstone.
Contributed by
Laurence U.


A Marine sergeant named William Cox
Made confession, then died in the box.
His Fidelis was Semper,
He died of distemper,
But some said he'd died of the pox.
Contributed by
Laurence U.


There's a man in New York name of Bobby
Who's delight in himself was his hobby.
He rode the lift down,
While "a goin' to town".
He arrived when he came at the lobby.
Contributed by


Our Bob likes to play with his zipper.
It's his secret for staying so chipper.
But he best take more care,
Or himself he'll ensare.
Then button style will seem much more hipper.
Contributed by

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