Limericks o' the Day
- To succeed in the brothels at Derna
- One always begins as a learner.
- Indentured at six
- As a greaser of pricks,
- One may rise to be fitter and turner.
- There once was a floozie named Annie
- Whose prices were cosy---but canny:
- A buck for a fuck,
- Fifty cents for a suck,
- And a dime for a feel of her fanny.
- A hard-working waitress named Cora
- Discovered that drummers adore a
- Titty that's ripe
- And a cunt that is tripe---
- Now she doesn't work hard any more-a!
- There was a young fellow of Perth,
- The nastiest bastard on earth,
- When his wife was confined
- He pulled down the blind,
- And ate up the whole afterbirth.
- There is a young girl from New York
- Who is cautious from fear of the stork.
- You will find she is taped
- To prevent being raped,
- And her asshole is plugged with a cork.
- The wife of a red-headed Celt
- Lost the key to her chastity belt.
- She tried picking the lock
- With an Ulsterman's cock,
- And the next thing he knew, he was gelt.
- There was a young woman of Norway
- Who drove a rare trade in the whore way,
- Till a sodomite Viscount
- Brought cunt to a discount,
- And the bawdy house belles to a poor way.
- A vicious old whore of Albania
- Hated men with a terrible mania.
- With a twitch and a squirm
- She would hold back your sperm,
- And then roll on her face and disdain ya.
- There was a young fellow named Chick
- Who fancied himself rather slick.
- He went to a ball
- Dressed in nothing at all
- But a big velvet bow round his prick.
- There once was a girl from Alaska
- Who would fuck whenever you'd ask her.
- But soon she grew nice,
- And went up in price,
- And no one could touch her but Jesus H. Christ,
- Or possibly John Jacob Astor.
- There was a young lady named Bruce
- Who captured her man by a ruse:
- She filled up her fuselage
- With a good grade of mucilage,
- And he never could pry himself loose.
- A gruff anthropoid of Piltdown
- Had a strange way of going to town:
- With maniacal howls
- He would bugger young owls,
- And polish his balls with their down.
- A broken-down harlot named Tupps
- Was heard to confess in her cups:
- "The height of my folly
- Was fucking a collie---
- But I got a nice price for the pups."
- Roxanne was a cat burglar's daughter,
- Stealing diamonds the way he had taught her.
- Having hid the hot rocks
- In a pouch up her box,
- She would relish the search if they caught her.
- Tom, Tom, the piper's son,
- Let loose a fart, and away he run.
- But Tom fell in
- An old shit bin
- And ever since then Tom stinks like sin!
- There was a young belle from Bombay
- Who never had thought herself gay,
- Till a queen from Siam
- Said, "My dear, you're not jam!"
- And brought that one out right away.
- In has youth our old friend Boccaccio
- Was having a girl in a patio.
- When it came to the twat,
- She wasn't so hot,
- But, boy, was she good at fellatio!
- In Spring Miss May marries Perce,
- 'Til then their pash' they disburse:
- With a thin piece of rubber
- There's no need to scrub 'er---
- Of course, there's no harm to rehearse.
- There was a man from Far Rockaway
- Who could skizzle a broad from a block away.
- Once while taking a fuck,
- Along came a truck
- And knocked both his balls and his cock away.
- There was a young lady named Wilma
- Who said, "Oh now, please do not kilma.
- I love your advances
- And what's in your pantses,
- Do you think it could possibly fill-ma?"
- There was a young lady of Worcester
- Who dreamt that a rooster seduced her.
- She woke with a scream,
- But 'twas only a dream---
- A bump in the mattress had goosed her.
- An avid cross-dresser named Dave
- Wore a black leather skirt as a slave.
- But his Mistress was cruel,
- And so the poor fool
- Got to wear it that night in his grave.
- A Dutchman who dwelt in Dundee
- Walked in to a grocer's named Lee.
- He said, "If you blease,
- Haff you any prick cheese?"
- Said the grocer, "I'll skin back and see."
- A daughter of fair Ioway,
- While at sport in the toilet one day,
- Swallowed some of her pee,
- "And hereafter," said she,
- "I'll do it at lunch every day."
- There was a young Miss from Cape Cod
- Who at soldiers would not even nod.
- But she tripped in a ditch
- And some son-of-a-bitch
- Of a corporal raped her, by God!
- A sweet young attorney named Draper
- Once wore a tight skirt made of paper.
- While attempting to squat,
- It split up to her twat,
- Prompting two horny judges to rape her.
- A tourist who stopped at Capri
- Was had by an old maid for tea.
- When she wiggled he said,
- As he patted her head,
- "Ah, you're changing the 't' to a 'p'!"
- If I'd something to say I'd just do it,
- But my brain's behaving like suet.
- So comments,...I've none.
- Lets just say that I'm done,
- Though coffee might help, so I'll brew it!
- An old Jap samurai named Haki
- Once pickled his penis in saki.
- When the thing was quite dead
- He cried with bowed head,
- "Banzai! Requiescat in pace."
- A lecherous fellow named Gould
- Soliloquized thus to his tool:
- "From Cape Cod to Salamanca,
- You've had pox, clap, and chancre---
- Now ain't you a bloody great fool?"
- There was a young lady of Grotton
- Had to plug up her coosie with cotton,
- For it was no myth
- That the girl had the syph---
- She stunk, and her titties were rotten.