Limericks o' the Day
- There was a bus driver named Peter,
- Who could not have looked any neater.
- But his mustache looked funny,
- When he combed it with honey,
- Thus making his kisses much sweeter.
- There was a bluestocking in Florence
- Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
- Till a Spanish grandee,
- Got her off with his knee,
- And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
- There was a bleached blond named Dolores
- Who had an unusual clitoris.
- It's location remote
- Was deep in her throat
- Where she douched with a touch of Lavoris!
- There once was an odious brute
- Who made love in his Sunday-best suit.
- The result, as you'd guess,
- Was a wet, sticky mess,
- And a very chaifed maiden to boot.
- There once was pervert named Manny
- Who stuck his long prick up his fanny.
- Now he's flailing about,
- Seems he can't get it out.
- He can't shit, he can't piss. It's uncanny!
- There once was a young man named Springer
- Got his testicles caught in the wringer.
- He hollered with pain,
- As they rolled down the drain,
- "There goes my career as a singer."
- There once was a woman named Ann
- Who was said to be quite like a man.
- When nature did call,
- She ran down the hall,
- And went to the gentleman's can.
- There once was a witch from St. Rose,
- Who hated the wart on her nose.
- "I think you will find,
- That true love is blind."
- Said her date, a gnome with three toes.
- There once was a tailor named Fred,
- Who always got knots in his thread.
- Said the frustrated tailor,
- "I should be a sailor...
- The knots they tie get them ahead."
- There once was a Senator from Mass
- Who wanted a strange piece of ass.
- He lucked up and found it,
- But fucked up and drowned it,
- And now finds his future is past.
- There once was a queen of Bulgaria
- Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
- Till a prince from Peru,
- Who came up for a screw,
- Had to hunt for her hole with a terrier.
- There once was a man named Ted
- Who had pot growing out of his head.
- The cause of those weeds
- Was from smoking the seeds
- Or so I have heard it been said.
- There once was a man in Bombay
- Who was making explosives one day.
- He droped his cigar
- In the gunpowder jar...
- There once WAS a man from Bombay.
- There once was a man from Sutter,
- Who used to jerk off in the gutter,
- Till the tropical sun,
- Played hell on his gun,
- And turned all of his cream into butter.
- There once was a man from St. Pauls
- Who used to perform in the halls.
- His favorite trick
- Was to stand on his prick
- And roll off the stage on his balls.
- There once was a man from St. Paul,
- Who moaned about being so tall.
- At night, in his bed,
- Was his body and head.
- His feet had to sleep in the hall.
- There once was a man from St. Paul
- Whose prick was incredibly small.
- He got down on the rug
- And mounted a bug
- But the bug didn't feel it at all!!
- There once was a lady named Gail,
- Who decided to have a yard sale.
- She sold all her wares,
- Including the chairs.
- Now she's one upstanding female.
- There once was a lad from Beirut
- Who had seven warts on this root.
- He poured acid on these,
- And now when he pees
- He must grasp himself like a flute.
- There once was a Jew from Peru
- Who was vainly attempting to screw.
- His wife screamed "Oy vey,
- If you keep up this way,
- The Messiah will come before you"
- There once was a hooker named Gail,
- Who one day got locked up in jail.
- Butthe sheriff got hot,
- To be lodged in her twat,
- So Gail made her bail with her tail!!
- There once was a handsome young actor;
- While filming, he fell off a tractor.
- Though not in his script,
- He went to Egypt,
- To visit the Cairo-practor.
- A serious thought for today,
- Is one that may cause you dismay.
- Just what are the forces
- That bring little horses
- If all of the mares say, "Nay !"
- There once was a man named Crockett
- He stuck his cock in a socket.
- Some son-of-a-bitch
- Turned on the switch
- And Crockett went up like a rocket
- There once was a hacker named Ken
- Who inherited truckloads of Yen.
- So he built him some chicks
- Of silicon chips
- And hasn't been heard from since then.
- There once was a guy named Dave
- And to all the girls he did wave
- While pleading for pleasure
- His dick did they measure
- And the finger was all that they gave.
- There once was a Greek named Theopolis,
- Who lived quite near the Acropolis.
- But he soon moved away,
- To the U.S. of A.,
- And settled in Min-ne-op-olis.
- There once was a freshman named Lin,
- Whose tool was as thin as a pin.
- A virgin named Joan,
- From a bible belt home,
- Said, "This won't be much of a sin."
- There once was a fellow from Yuma,
- Told an elephant joke to a puma.
- Now his skeleton lies
- Under hot western skies.
- The Puma had no sense of huma!
- A farmer from out in Algiers,
- Planted some corn in his ears.
- When the temperature rose,
- He leapt to his toes.
- Now popping is all that he hears.
- There once lived a youth in Duluth,
- Who aspired to a life as a sleuth.
- But he soon changed his mind,
- For it shocked him to find,
- That the truth is so often uncouth.