Limericks o' the Day
- 'Twas with glee and amusement I found,
- On your fertile and shamrockéd ground,
- A limerick tribe
- Of sexual vibe
- And deliciously potent sound!
- There was a young lady named Hitchin
- Who was scratching her crotch in the kitchen.
- Her mother said, "Rose,
- It's the crabs, I suppose."
- She said, "Yes, and the buggers are itching.
- There once was a lady who lay
- With her legs wide apart in the hay.
- She said to the Plowman,
- "Come on, do it now, man!
- Don't wait till my hair has turned gray!"
- An eccentric young boy, name of Billy
- Got his kicks tying strings round his willie.
- But one fateful night,
- He tied them too tight,
- And since then he's known only as "Millie".
- A big woolly dog named Lee
- Had a host of friends to see.
- So he paced the street
- On all four feet,
- But visited mostly on three.
- There was a young fellow named Puttenham
- Whose tool caught in doors upon shuttin' 'em.
- He said, "Well, perchance
- It would help to wear pants,
- If I just could remember to button 'em."
- A young jacker-off of Cawnpore
- Never felt a desire for more.
- In bold self-reliance
- He cried out his defiance
- Of the joys of the fairy and whore.
- There was a young fellow from Florida
- Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.
- When they got into bed
- He cried, "God strike me dead!
- This ain't a cunt---it's a corridor!"
Part 1 of 2:
- A spinster in Kalamazoo
- Once strolled after dark by the zoo.
- She was seized by the nape,
- And raped by an ape,
- And she murmured, "A wonderful screw."
Part 2 of 2:
- And se added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy,
- But I hope---yes I do---that I marry
- A man with a prick
- Half as stiff and as thick
- As the kind that you zoo-keeperss carry."
- There was a young woman of Geneva
- Whose life was all joie de vivre.
- When she grew too old to joie
- She employed a young boy
- To restore the joie to her vivre.
- A delver in relics collosal
- Unearthed a phenomenal fossil.
- He could tell by the bend,
- And the wart on the end,
- 'Twas the Peter of St. Paul the Apostle.
- A certain young fellow named Dick
- Liked to feel a girl's hand on his prick.
- He taught them to fool
- With his rigid old tool,
- Till the cream shot out, white and thick.
- The wife of an athlete named Chuck
- Found her married life shit-out-of-luck.
- Her husband played hockey
- Without wearing a jockey---
- Now he hasn't got what it takes for a fuck.
- There was a young gaucho named Bruno
- Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know.
- A woman is fine,
- And a sheep is divine,
- But a llama is Numero Uno."
- There was a young virgin named Violet
- Whose hope was to remain inviolate.
- But she let a man neck her
- And soon his hard pecker
- Had wedged itself firmly in Violet.
- There was a young woman of Cheadle
- Who once gave the clap to a beadle.
- Said she. "Does it itch?"
- "It does, you damned bitch,
- And burns like hell-fire when I peedle."
- A skinny old maid from Verdun
- Wed a short-peckered son-of-a-gun.
- She said, "I don't care
- If there isn't much there.
- God know it is better than none."
- There was an old Chinaman drunk
- Who went for a sail in his junk.
- He was dreaming of Venus
- And tickling his penis,
- Till he floated away in the spunk.
- There was a young fellow at Jesus
- Who developed a phallic prosthesis.
- He made use of this tool
- To thoroughly fool
- All girls who were known as P.T.'s's.
- I sat next to the Duchess at tea.
- She was just as a Duchess should be.
- But her gases abdominal
- Were quite phenomenal...
- And everyone thought it was me!
- There once was an indian maid
- Who declared she was not afraid
- To lie on her back
- In a tar paper shack
- For the purpose of just getting laid.
- There was an old sarge of Dorchester
- Who invented a mechanical whore-tester.
- With an electrical eye,
- His tool, and a die,
- He observed each sore, pimple and fester.
- A well-scented Dean from Tacoma
- Was given a special diploma
- For telling apart
- A masculine fart
- From a similar female aroma.
- A policeman from Camberwell Junction,
- Whose organ had long ceased to function,
- Deceived his good wife,
- For the rest of his life,
- With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
- A young physicist named Bill Schnieder
- Had a wife, but he couldn't abider.
- This frustated schmuk
- Ran completely amuck
- And buggered the super collider.
- There once was a young Aztec
- Who was fond of reading Steinbeck.
- When asked where she read,
- She said, "Always in bed,
- Especially when wearing Ko-tex."
- There were two young girls from Perth,
- Who were ridden with pox from birth.
- Said one to the other,
- "It's thanks to our mother,
- We're the rottenest fuckers on earth."
Part 1 of 2:
- There was a young lady from Troy,
- Who invented an exquisite joy,
- She filled up her cran,
- With strawberry jam,
- And had it sucked out by a boy.
Part 2 of 2:
- Now you can't blame the young lady from Troy,
- For inventing this exquisite joy.
- But for having to suck,
- When he wanted to fuck,
- Was fucking tough luck on the boy.